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« The Blair Pool | Main | Blair and I are Finished »

The Velcro Obstacle Course

After I crammed down a juicy burger at the Division picnic yesterday, I lined up to race on the Velcro Obstacle Course. It's  like a blow up bouncy house, but with tunnels and things to climb over.

Two people race at once to make it a quick, competitive challenge. You put on a Velcro suit and crawl through the Velcro course, getting stuck to walls, etc. as you go.  

There were two lines. I counted back to figure out who I was lined up with to race. This might have been a coincidence, but have a feeling it wasn't.

Looks like I would be racing Szymanski.

That little fucker wanted to race and beat me just to rub it in my face because it now looked like I also lost Blair to him. He's younger than me, in better shape--but not necessarily more athletic. I suspect he's gay but just hasn't come out yet.

I didn't look around, but I knew Blair was watching. She did not want me to win. However, knowing Blair, she also did not want me to lose. Typically, Blair is the kind of person who roots for a team to lose instead of rooting for the other team to win. But in this case, she would be disappointed no matter what the outcome.

I zipped up, loosened up my arms, and was ready to roll. 

Adrenaline was pumping through my body. I could not let this idiot beat me. He was so confident, so utterly cocky, I just had to put him in his place. I was like a bull ready to bust out of the gate.

I heard "Go!" and without hesitation dove through the first Velcro tunnel.

My shoulder got stuck, so I yanked hard and ripped it right out. But what exactly did I rip out? I heard a Pop! and at first ignored it. But when I got out of the tunnel and tried to grab the rope to pull myself over the wall, my right hand extended only part of the way. I looked down at my hand knowing my brain was telling it to grab the rope, but there it hung in the wind, unwilling or unable to grab the rope.

I grabbed the rope with my left hand and swung up on top of the wall. Straddling the wall, I looked down and saw there was another wall with a rope. I wasn't sure what happened to my shoulder, but my right arm was useless. If I went down and tried to come up another wall, I wouldn't make it. So I leaped across, gimp arm and all, and rolled off the top of the wall down to the next tunnel.

I hobbled through the tunnel like a goofy dog and rolled out at the end. 

There stood Fessler with his right hand held high. Apparently, fucked up shoulder and all, I had beaten that little bitch Szymanski.

Fessler was looking for a high five. I tried to raise my arm, but could only manage to raise it slightly. He met me half way.

I quickly took the Velcro suit off, pulled up my sleeve and found my shoulder bone lowered and poking out in the wrong place.

I tried to pop it back in, but apparently it doesn't work that way--at least not the first time you dislocate a shoulder.

There was so much adrenaline coursing through my body, I hadn't felt any pain yet. But then it came. Holy shit. I have never felt that much pain in my life.

An Ambulance showed up, and when they tried to lift me up onto the gurney, I thought I was going to puke. How happy was I that I crammed that burger down my pie hole right before the race? It was embarrassing enough that was lying on the grass writhing in pain in front of everyone I work with, now I was going to puke for them as an encore. 

Somehow I held my cookies. They carted me off to the hospital, shot me up with Morphine and some other junk, then snapped that fucker back into place. I've got it immobilized now. I'm not supposed to be typing with two hands, but what the fuck.

I caught a glimpse of Blair when they were putting me into the ambulance. She had a genuine look of concern on her face. It's rare you ever see Blair concerned about anyone other than herself. This was truly a unique moment...

But fuck Blair. She wants Szymanski, she can have him. I dislocated my shoulder at the beginning of the race and I still beat that pussy...

Reader Comments (10)

That's not what I was expecting when you twitterred you hated velcro, but -Ouch! A dislocated shoulder is a bitch, the first time around. By the 3rd or 4th time, on the same shoulder, pain gets a bit more tolerable. And yes, that's speaking from experience.

I'm glad you beat the pussy! Blair's loss=)

September 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

I've learned one thing: I hate pain. With my arm in a sling, maybe I'll get some sympathy sex next week. Not sure how to maneuver with this thing though...

September 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Dude, we're gonna have to slap a hazard light on your ass. Last week the ankle. This week the shoulder. Someone better give you some easy lovin' before you actually break something.

September 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

I totally don't buy the idea that you're done with Blair. I'm willing to bet that you two will be back together before the end of next week.

September 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDustinM

I keep hearing that. In fact, I already have emails from Gladstone and Conklin laying down money on that bet. But that's it. I'm out. I am finished with Blair forever. Blair is not heroin. She's just a piece of ass. And there's plenty of ass to go around. So I'll take all bets on this. I AM NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH BLAIR.

September 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Oh yeah, you'll totally get some from this. Women are totally into the Florence Nightingale thing.
It'll give you a good excuse to moan at random times too. :P

September 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPrincess of the Universe

Late response, but hell yeah, a dislocated shoulder was the worst pain I've ever felt! I'm catching up with the blog and it is awesome.

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterchris

Chris, thanks for the comment. And thanks for reading!

January 1, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

screw blair.... Screw kazy... Whatever his name was. Your better than both of them. Ouch your poor dislocated shoulder. Ummmm what happen to ur ankle? Should i send u some orange cones to carry around u at all times? Ha ha. Just playing.

June 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbrenda

Brenda: Actually, not a bad idea. I like it. I want to put them around my desk for protection.

July 1, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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