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« Inauguration Day | Main | Hello Kitty »
Tuesday
Jan132009

Fernandez Eats Cinnamon Raisin Bagels on Wednesdays

Fernandez eats cinnamon raisin bagels on Wednesdays only because he believes cinnamon raisin bagels are Mulhausen's favorite. Fernandez believes this because Mulhausen has led him to believe this. Mulhausen has led him to believe this because he knew that Fernandez would eat cinnamon raisin bagels on Wednesdays just to be a motherfucker.

In reality, Mulhausen won't eat cinnamon raisin bagels because Pangbourn believes they are poisoned. Mulhausen wants Fernandez to eat cinnamon raisin bagels on Wednesdays because he also now believes they are poisoned and he wants Fernandez to die. 

The contractors also now want Fernandez to eat cinnamon raisin bagels on Wednesdays because they also want Fernandez to die. 

The contractors want Fernandez to die for a variety of reasons. Fernandez has decided that contractors are the enemy and should be shunned at all costs. As a result, he has instituted a few rules regarding contractors:

  •  Contractors will be excluded from eating bagels on Wednesdays. 
  • Contractors are not allowed to see the agenda for any meeting they attend; they are not allowed to ask questions in the meeting and can only speak when providing solutions; however, if an employee offers a solution, the contractors must cover their ears. 
  • Contractors cannot be copied on any emails that are sent by employees unless the employee is sending the email directly to the contractor; contractors my respond to emails they are not copied on only if they have a solution to the problem described in the email. 
  • Contractors are allowed to use the restroom only if there are no employees present; if a contractor is using the restroom when an employee enters the restroom, the contractor must execute early termination of restroom activities and leave immediately. 
  • Contractors are not allowed to use office supplies. Period.
  • Contractors are not allowed to fraternize with employees. If a contractor is found socializing with an employee, their contract will be terminated immediately. However, if an employee makes light of the moment in the presence of a contractor, the contractor is obligated to laugh light heartedly; boisterous laughing is discouraged.
  • If a contractor has lunch with an employee, the contractor is obligated to buy lunch (even though the contractor will charge the cost back to the company anyway). 
  • Contractors are not allowed to be smug even though they are smarter than Fernandez and his kiss-ass employees; contractors must pretend to be dumb, even though they are providing all the solutions and saving Fernandez's ass. 
  • Contractors are not allowed to read this blog. If you are a contractor and reading this blog, close the window immediately and resume working. Any contractor caught reading this blog will be terminated immediately and escorted out of the building, regardless of relative value to the project and regardless of how bad your termination will look to senior management and regardless of how devastating the termination will be to the project.

It has been determined that Fernandez is gay. No offense to homosexuals. But Fernandez does not know what the fuck he is doing. 

Fernandez eats cinnamon raisin bagels on Wednesday because he is an idiot. And people want him to die. 

Reader Comments (9)

Mmm, now I want a cinnamon raisin bagel.

January 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternadzb21

That Fernandez sounds like a Douchebag Extraordinaire. But, he is probably an insult to the realm of Douchebaggary. I mean, come on, who eats fucking cinnamon raisin bagels on Wednesdays?! Now I have to change my safe word from cinnamon to something else...

January 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Nadzb21: Watch out, they might be poisoned. I have something safe and tasty for you that you might like better.

Far: I think you should change your safe word to "Douchebaggary".

January 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Jason X: Well, as long as you don't mind me calling you a douchebag, I guess I could change it to that...

January 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Far, you know I liked to be demeaned back while I'm demeaning you. Works out great.

January 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Well done sir...well done!!! I love contractors! Too bad they don't get the respect they deserve in most places, especially at this place, in particular.

January 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Well, it took me a week (and hours of lost work productivity), but I have read through every single thing you have posted, Mr. X. I must admit, you fall somewhere between pariah and idol for me, and I appreciate the fact that you put it all down for our amusement.

Thanks for the window into your interesting life.

January 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Shoe: I'm glad I can entertain you and especially on the company dime. Thanks for reading! Hopefully I can keep the entertainment coming in a steady stream.

January 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

"coming in a steady stream..."

Haha, you and your double entendres, Mr. X.

You have another acolyte to add to your page hits, rest assured.

January 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

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