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« Post Mortem | Main | Sext »
Friday
Jan302009

How to Drive Your Boss Mentally Insane

I decided this week that Fernandez was a good candidate to drive mentally insane. Since he's already headed in that direction, all he needs is a little nudge.

I started by rearranging things slightly in his office every time he's away.

I started small. I moved his pen holder from the right side of his desk to the left. I moved file folders from the left to the right side. I moved some items on his top shelf to the next shelf down, and some from the next shelf down to the top. 

His large whiteboard has all kinds of diagrams and numbers all over it. I switched arrows and changed digits. These crude drawings are very important to him because he put the idiotic message DO NOT ERASE at the top of the whiteboard. 

Whenever I find the DO NOT ERASE message on a whiteboard in a conference room, it immediately prompts me to erase everything. If someone is stupid enough to work out a problem on the whiteboard and choose not to copy to notes, they deserve to lose everything. It's just like a person working on a Word document for hours without saving. Don't be an idiot. The DO NOT ERASE message is my cue to teach someone a lesson. That's why I'm such a good mentor.

But with Fernandez, this was my opportunity to fuck with his mind.

Lingering outside his office after making the changes, I heard lots of muttering and mumbling to himself. He has been very irritable. 

I then started making bigger changes. I swapped pictures on two walls of his office. I made sure I walked into his office right when he returned. He noticed immediately and said: Who switched my pictures?

I looked at him like he was crazy. That's how they've always been.

Then I started repeating myself. I popped into his office and said:

"I ran the numbers and the project is 10% under budget. We're looking very good." 

Then five minutes later:

"I ran the numbers and the project is 10% under budget. We're looking very good."

He said, "You just said that five minutes ago."

Again, I looked at him like he was crazy and said, "No... I just now ran the numbers. I didn't know five minutes ago."

He sat there staring at me, swearing with his eyes that he had heard me say the same thing just five minutes ago.

"Deja Vu?" I said. Then I smiled. "Either that or you're cracking up."

I left him contemplating that idea.

I stopped at a prank store and picked up a high frequency transmitter. I plugged it into the outlet behind his shelves. The device emits a high frequency sound that can't really be heard but will stress the fuck out of you. 

He seems to be getting a lot of headaches lately.

This is just the beginning. 

Reader Comments (11)

Being OCD in the extreme I'd normally feel sympathy for this poor schmuck but this is SO deliciously evil I just can't do it. I can only wish to be a fly on the wall so I'd have a ringside seat for the show.

January 31, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

Msfitznham: You are a closet me. I know you. I know what entertains you. You are a good person, but I also know that it bothers you when good things happen to bad people. This is a case where bad things happen to bad people so you're happy about it. Feel good, because it's just good karma.

January 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I used to have a high frequency ringtone that used to annoy the hell out of people. It is only audible if you are under 35-ish which made it excellent for using in class back in college. The only problem was that I would get glares from eveyone in the class everytime it went off. The professors, who couldn't hear it, would be none the wiser.

February 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Clever stuff...I wonder what the over/under is on him going postal? I'll take the under...

February 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

To give you inspiration to drive Fernandez mentally insane , here are some of the things I have tried, er...I mean heard about:

(1) Superglue items to his desk...then keep asking for items when you go into his office

(2) Replace his whiteboard markers with permanent markers ... then conveniently use them in front of him on his whiteboard

(3) Speak to him in pig latin...then look blankly at him when he doesn't understand

(4) Cover the infrared light on his optical mouse

(5) Place tape on the cord to the handset. Unplug the cord running into the handset and put scotch tape over the end. Plug it back in. They can answer their phone, but can't hear or speak to anyone...then keep calling him

(6) Turn the volume up to maximum on all items that make noise in his office

(7) Change the resolution on his computer monitor to the lowest setting

(8) Install VNC on his computer and remotely control it from yours

(9) Put vaseline on his phone handset or headset earpiece

(10) Swipe his car keys

(11) Hide a piece of sushi in the back of his bookshelf or back of his drawer

P.S. Is there any other type of insane besides mentally...?

February 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Matt: Yeah, that high frequency idea I'd like to use on my neighbor's kid. I won't hear a thing.

Shoe: Let's see how this week goes. I'm not ready to lay down bets yet.

Far: All great ideas. I'm going to use them. I've used that phone/tape trick before. That really pisses people off. I added "Mentally" to insane because I wanted to make sure people took it literally, not figuratively.

February 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Jason X: I'm with you on the DO NOT ERASE thing. Firstly, I don't like when someone tells me to not do anything. And secondly, I don't like when someone tells me to not do anything. But the arrow direction switching is something I will now keep in my back pocket. (or purse)

Far: I've performed the actions in items 2, 4, 6, 7, 10. Although #10 also involved a police report.

February 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

There's always putting his stapler in Jello idea from the show The Office. A couple of other ideas from there is inching his desk in one direction every time he leaves his office and my personal fav which might not work because it depends on style of phone is slowly filling his phone's receiver with nickels so he will slowly get used to the added weight then completely taking all the nickels out so it hits him in the face. My favorite pranks are always the slow-played ones.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

M: All good ideas. Mine backfired, and I ended up in tree therapy.

September 16, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Dear Friends, Happy April Fool's Day!!

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!

Happy April Fool's Day!

April 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPaula

That is probably why you are where you are and he is the boss. Your should be doing your work. Try that approach or just leave if your so miserable.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenternotadrone

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