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« How to Steal Cookies from a 13-Year-Old | Main | Adverse Friday »

How to Get Inside Your Enemy's Head (and mouth)

Friday night was the night I intended to execute an offensive against Fiona the Cunt, who has been my sworn enemy since  Conklin's Slutty Wife accidentally died while we were trying to murder her

I successfully executed the plan, enlisting the help of Kessler and Chelsea the Intern. But then things got weird. Mainly, when I fucked Fiona the Cunt.

Admittedly, most of my devious plans are directly tied to a goal of fucking someone.  

But in this case, all I wanted to do was get the bitch off my back. When a plan backfires and I end up fucking a hot piece of ass as an accidental result... Can't be all bad. 

After work, we met at an Italian restaurant for drinks and dinner as the ICATT (Integration Committee of Associated Technology Teams), formally known as ITTSC (I.T. Team Spirit Committee). The team is made up of  TefftAdler from the PMOMaggie the Drunk, Dinton, Fiona the Cunt and myself, with Tawny the Temp as the "scribe". 

Dinton did not show up, since he has not been seen by anyone for over a year. 

Maggie the Drunk was already drunk when she showed up and decided to take a nap as soon as we all sat down. 

Adler and Tefft ordered wine, Fiona the Cunt and Tawny the Temp ordered tequila shots with me. I knew getting their white trash asses sloshed before the main event would be easy.

But I also knew these two evil bitches had a plan of their own. And I'm sure part of it entailed getting me drunk.

Of the entire group, Fiona the Cunt and I got along the best. In part, because we each had an agenda; in part because the group was so goddamn boring.

Tefft kept talking about how PETA was going to save the world as she chow-ed down on her Veal Parmesan. Adler just spoke to hear himself speak even though nobody else was listening to a word. Maggie the Drunk snored, head on the table. 

Once we were finished eating, Tefft had a surprise activity for us. And when I say "surprise activity," I mean surprise for everyone but me. 

Right next to the Italian restaurant was a little shop called the "Psychic Eye" psychic readings.

Not only did I convince Tefft we should eat at this restaurant, I also convinced her it would be fun for each of us to get a psychic reading.  

All of this was carefully staged. Chelsea the Intern knew the psychic because they used to strip at the same strip club. Her former stripper name was Uzzi and her new psychic name was Urzla. For a nominal fee, Urzla would tell Fiona the Cunt anything we wanted her to say.

The goal was to convince Fiona the Cunt that I had nothing to do with her sister's death. Which I didn't. Technically.

Any other kind of offensive would result in an all out war, which if you've read anything about this bitch, you know, would be a risky undertaking. She's a formidable adversary. 

The risk of this approach was that she wouldn't buy the bullshit. But again, her white trash roots gave good odds that she would.

While nobody else was in the room with Urzla and Fiona the Cunt, Kessler and Chelsea the Intern were in the back listening.

Even if Fiona the Cunt didn't ask about her sister, Urzla would bring her up. That's what psychics do. They tell you who's been asking about you from the netherworld.

Conklin's dead slutty wife essentially confirmed that I had nothing to do with her accidental death. 

Afterwards, I watched Fiona the Cunt's expression carefully, trying to determine whether that blank stare showed any indication of either belief or disbelief. It revealed nothing.

But once we were all saying good-bye for the night, Fiona the Cunt walked up to me and asked if I'd stay and have a drink with her.

Tawny the Temp was livid and asked her what the fuck she was doing. Fiona the Cunt told Tawny the Temp to go fuck herself and then we went down the street to a Mexican bar to get a drink. Just the two of us. 

I did not expect it to work this well. Urzla didn't give away too much or two little. She was probably a great stripper in her day too.

We had some margaritas and a couple more shots and Fiona the Cunt told me that she had me all wrong and that she didn't blame me anymore.

I'm not exactly sure how we got into the next situation, but suddenly we were out in the parking lot, her mouth around my cock. I then turned her around, pulled down her jeans, pulled her black panties to the side, bent her over the hood of someone's car and started fucking her like an animal.

Headlights were occasionally hitting my bare ass and I think I heard more than once someone's voice saying, "Get a room." Funny how sex and tequila drown out the rest of the world. We're lucky we didn't get arrested.

Since she's on another floor, I have successfully avoided Fiona the Cunt so far this week. I'm not sure what to expect. Has she come to her senses? When the alcohol wore off, did she realize how stupid it all was and that I played her? 

Regardless, she can't deny that was fucking hot-ass indecent exposure. In fact, oddly, I'm still thinking about how good it was.

Reader Comments (20)

You say there was tequila involved? It turns us into mindless whores with only one thought in our heads, and that thought is, of course, 'cock'. She might regret letting you fuck with her (ha), and she might not remember it.

October 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRhiannon

You are such a nasty man and a good writer! I love it. If only work could be so interesting... ;)

October 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGoddess Aphrodite

Congrats on finally shagging Fiona the Cunt, who may not be such a cunt now that you shagged her, but keep the name because it just rolls off the tongue. Also saves you the time of making up a new nickname for her. Fiona the Fucked Cunt, Fiona the Former Cunt, etc, etc...

Now let's all just pray it wasn't so she has ammunition for Friday the 13th, Part II...

October 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterchrisbaker3

Rhiannon: That's exactly why I feed you women so much tequila. It truly is the best medicine.

Goddess Aphrodite: Thanks. You just have to make it interesting. And not get fired. I decided I need alcohol in my office, so that's what I'm doing. Will it get me fired? We shall see. But it will definitely make things interesting.

Chris: Haha, yeah, I'll keep the name. And who knows what the fuck is going through her head. This could all be a part of her own master plan. She's that fucking devious.

October 13, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

if you think she was a cunt now i can tell you she will be even worse now

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterunsinkablejax

'Regardless, she can't deny that was fucking hot-ass indecent exposure." --- Sounds like it. That should make the next time you see her rather amusing, because I bet she'll feel awkward as shit hahaha.

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkassiass

Unsinkablejax: Nobody can be worse than Blair. And I love that bitch.

Kassiass: Maybe, but I don't think she's capable of feeling awkward. I'm expecting a "fuck me" look. But we'll see.

October 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

I love sex in the parking lot! If I remember correctly, the last time all it took was 2 Chimays and the cutie Persian boy to squeeze my thigh and we fucked like rabbits up against the security booth next to a Christian Reading Room.

Then he took me to his office overlooking Staples Center and fucked me some more on his desk.

Good times!

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGPGirl

Jason X: Hahaha well, I hope it's a "fuck me" look for your sake. Might as well make use of the cunt.

October 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkassiass

GPGirl: That sounds like a very good time. Personally, I love office sex in a high rise at night against the office window. Great view and you're essentially fucking in front of the world.

Kassiass: Exactly, that's what they're there for...

October 15, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Looks like your "fuck or fight" response may have taken you into deeper waters than you intended. Just watch your back Mr. X, fucking someone that evil only gets you fucked ... and not in the good way. She is called The Cunt for a reason. She may be using the Bite the Cock that Fucks You* ploy. Never underestimate a Cunt, their unpredictable and highly maniacal natures have a way of screwing you in the end*...whether literally or figuratively, it ain't gonna feel good. Guard your nether regions, my friend...

*Disclaimer: Unless you're into that kind of thing, then totally go for it.

October 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

I don't know. I've avoided her all week. I have a feeling she's avoiding me too. We can probably do this forever. Although... Maybe just one more fuck next week.

October 16, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

She's spent all the time she's known you trying to figure out how to get back at you.

You think some tequila and a psychic is going to get her to drop her guard?

She might not have planned your little encounter but think about it: she knows your MO. She's got you down. Probably in a manila folder wrapped in twine. She can predict how you react and what you're doing is experimenting to record her reaction.

She's already on the next step man. She has the upper hand. Can't say I didn't warn you.

Now I know you won't listen to me so my suggestion is to get close enough to her that you figure her plan out before she sets her trap.

October 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZorro

If you are going to fuck her, fuck her outside of the office so she can't slap you with a sexual harassment suit or something. Wait, how the hell have you avoided one of those the whole time you've worked there?

October 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

Because its not sexual harassment if they scream oh god yes and dont stop over and over M...

October 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNik

M: Nik makes the point. I have a very good eye for "invited" sexual advances. It's the idiots who don't recognize lack of interest but proceed anyway and get slapped with sexual harassment charges. I'm very good at this...

October 20, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

I'm just saying don't let your guard down. If that bitch screams rape, you are a dead man.

October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

M: You're absolutely right. I take way too many chances and this particular cunt, no matter what the fuck happens in bed, is not one to give an inch to, let alone 8.

October 21, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Ah w'dn't wo'ry t'much about whut she specks. Speakin' fum th' white trash point of view of a woomin who has been fucked bent on over th' hood of a car on mo'e than one occashun . . . Wal, ah doesn't speck much,epp ah do git paid fo' thet kind of thin' these days.

October 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLurette Yellho

I already have one angry prostitute trying to collect money from me; let's hope Fiona the Cunt doesn't expect payment too...

October 24, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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