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« How to Sleep with Your Enemy & Still Remain Enemies | Main | How to Get Inside Your Enemy's Head (and mouth) »

How to Steal Cookies from a 13-Year-Old

Pangbourn drugged and then had sex with his assistant's 13-year-old sister when she tried to sell him Girl Scout cookies

Since Pangbourn has contributed so much to this company, including the Bomb Threat Checklist, Human Resources has decided that this means he has done nothing wrong.

Also, given the incident happened over a week ago, HR says enough time has passed that we should all just move on. 

HR issued this statement:

Whatever you think about this so-called "horrific, indisputably grotesque crime," it would be irresponsible of this organization to ignore the monumental contributions Pangbourn has made that have directly impacted this company's bottom line. 

Debra, his assistant, has forgiven Pangbourn, since her 13-year-old sister is too young to really understand the concept. We do, however, anticipate that when she's reached the age of 45, she will long since gotten over it and ultimately forgive him completely.

Regardless, the Girl Scouts of America are not satisfied. It seems that after the rape Pangbourn did not give the girl money for the cookies he took. They had this to say:

Apparently in this country a man with executive status can get away with drugging and raping a Girl Scout and not pay one dime for her cookies. We are not going to let him get away with this.

While the police have been notified, apparently they have their hands full with all the blatant violations of the new laws regarding the use of mobile phones while driving. They won't be available for comment until early next year. 

One of Pangbourn's executive peers also commented:

Osmund: Since it was just rape and not rape-rape, and definitely not rape-rape-rape, I don't know what the big deal is. Just because someone is drugged and repeatedly says "no" to forced intercourse, doesn't mean you have been rape-raped or even rape-rape-raped. He's an executive for god sake. What did she ever do for this company? She sold a few cookies. Get a real job, then come complain.

Before HR had issued their statement, it was thought that Pangbourn had gone into hiding. However it was later discovered that he was actually just stuck in the bathroom, having been penguined by Kessler.

Sooner or later, as long as Kessler is around, executives at this company will pay for their crimes.  

Reader Comments (23)

Most likely this will come before a judge sometime in the future. I'm sure Pangbourn and his attorney will have reached a settlement to pay for the cookies that he ate.

October 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergstarene

Do we know what kind of Girl Scout Cookies they were? That will be the ultimate deciding factor in this case.

October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

Gstarene: He may not have even eaten the cookies, but done something far more horrific to them.

M: I believe they were Samoas. I feel bad for saying this, but I'd eat those cookies too.

October 21, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

It's all about the Thin Mints ... and really? really? -smh-

October 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commentershameless

He should definitely @ least pay for the cookies. Maybe buy a couple of extra boxes, too?

October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJ.R. LeMar

Well done. Mr. X. That is all.

October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBubbles von BonBon

I'll cover the cost of the cookies. But Pangbourn will get his payback in 45 years. He's got time to go buck-wild.

October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

"and definitely not rape-rape-rape" hahaha

October 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternrgins

Shameless: Really-really.

J.R. LeMar: I agree. Penance should at least cover the cost of her lost cookies. And then some.

Bubbles von BonBon: Thanks, and thanks for stopping by. We love your bubbles.

Tech Babe: If experience has shown us anything, it's shown us that you can't get away with rape. Unless you're famous. Then you can get away with rape and child molestation. And some really bad recent movies.

nrgins: Definitely. Rape is the new "not rape".

October 22, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Oh Lord... "Apparently in this country a man with executive status can get away with drugging and raping a Girl Scout and not pay one dime for her cookies. We are not going to let him get away with this." I don't know what to say. It sounds totally idiotic to me xD haha...

October 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTrine

Ah doubt Pangbourn has t'much t'wo'ry about. Judges doesn't like t'make rape cornvickshuns, it means they'd acshully hafta does thar jobs.

October 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLurette Yellho

Trine: Yes, my place of employment is just that.

Lurette: If judges are as incompetent as the execs at my company, then you're right. Pangbourn has nothing to worry about.

October 24, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

I'm beginning to suspect that the "forbidden fruit" from the tree of knowledge was actually cookies. Therefore, man cannot be condemned for craving cookies as even the seminal man was tempted...

Want a cookie...?

October 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

well, I'm conviced Pangbourn is Randal proving how buck-wild the younger counterparts are. and i bet he went ass-to-mouth too. Fucko.

October 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterandy065

Far: I'm always up for your cookies.

Andy: Who the hell is Randal?

October 28, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

dude, havent you seen Clerks and Clerks2?

October 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterandy065

Polanski is Pangbourn's biggest fan...she said she was 25, right?

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStatic

This response is for the picture & its caption, use a dictionary & you'll know why I'm not. Too many people use the word pedophile with out having any clue it meaning. Of course while looking up pedophile you'll also have to look up prepubescent because you probably have no clue what that means either.
I am in no way condoning sex with an underage person, just want people to start use word properly.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteruse a dictionary

actually im no pedofile.. cuz im 13 too

May 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

judge: so they werent thin mints?

June 1, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergreg

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