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« How to Plan Your own Death | Main | When It Rains, It Pours Bizarre »
Monday
Dec212009

Holiday Party 09

How do they expect us to get really fucked up at the holiday party and make idiotic decisions we'll very clearly regret in the morning if all they serve us is beer and wine?  

Even though they tried to limit alcohol spend last year with limited drink tickets, they still had a full bar. These tickets, by the way, were very easy to counterfeit, so it really didn't matter.

Since last year's IT theme was "Christmas in Iraq," to be fair, Tefft decided this year should be "Christmas in Israel."

She asked for all the Jewish programmers to dress in what she perceived to be the traditional Israeli garb which was actually more akin to the Amish. We only have two Jewish programmers who both refused to wear what she requested, so she told them, Fine, then just wear normal Israeli clothes: anything in khaki or camouflage

The two tried to explain to Tefft that Jews don't celebrate Christmas, but then again, neither do Iraqis. 

Since we've been downsizing, there wasn't really anyone new to pick up on at the holiday party, so I decided I'd just keep it simple this year and hook up with Blair at the end of the night.

Even the simple plans never work out quite right...

Kelsey would be with her angry fiancé, so really all I had to worry about was Fiona the Cunt. So I thought.

Apparently wine does wonders to make women horny. So some of the people I thought had moved on, had other ideas once the wine started flowing.

It's like all my sins were coming back to me in the form of very horny women. Maricruz, Blendi the Unvirgin, Ha-Neul the Cannibal, Minoo the HR Coordinator, Lissa the Sox Auditor, and even Jenny, Pengilly's Assistant. It was the Ghosts of Christmas past and they all wanted to fuck me. 

Okay, not the traditional Scrooge story, especially in light of the fact that this was not punishment in the traditional sense. One by one would be fine; but this was a fucking zombie attack. Even Kelsey ended up making an attempt, despite the presence of her angry fiancé. He was busy tormenting Kornfeld, who he still believed was the one who fucked Kelsey

Gladstone, Kessler, Conklin, Petrizzo and Yaya were off trying to make time with their Users, so I decided to find an empty set and drink Goose from the flask I had in my jacket. I just wanted to wait it out. 

I found myself on the set of a game show my studio produces. So I sat on the host's desk, pulled out my flask and started drinking. 

After a few minutes, I heard the set door open and close. Someone followed me in. I thought I had eluded everyone, but apparently not. 

But I was surprised to see who walked out into the dimly lit stage: It was Jane from Softlines. The lesbian who tried to turn Athena the Lesbian into a lesbian. 

"I need a stiff one," she said. "And I knew you'd have one."

I smiled and extended her the flask. She took the flask and guzzled. She then handed it back to me.

"Thanks," she said. "But that's not what I meant." 

Took me a moment, then I looked at her surprised and said:

"I thought you wouldn't get within fifty yards of a boner."

"Just an act," she said. "I'm more pansexual. I just don't like guys hitting on me all the time, so I act like a hardcore dyke. I still need to get dick once in a while. Like tonight." 

Sometimes when plans go awry, they go awry in a good way. I don't know what pansexual is, but if it means a lesbian wants to take a spin on my dick, I'm down. 

And it was good.

Merry fucking Xmas. 

Reader Comments (4)

No "JackAss Award" at your party? Now I'm jealous. At least you had lesbian pussy. Doesn't work out quite nice if the tables were turned. No way I'm having gay dick!

December 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Sounds like a non-event. Political correctness has killed the pooh

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPeterP

Cool blog, really loved it

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLucy N.

Pansexuality is when a person is attracted based on perceived personality strengths and weaknesses they find attractive. Nice body is generally secondary to them and gender doesn't usually enter into it. It's a bit weird

May 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercroisvoix

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