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« Friday the 13th | Main | The Flea Flicker »
Tuesday
Feb102009

Tree Therapy

At 2:05 pm today I was out on a limb. An actual limb of a tree. 

This is called therapy.

I knew trees were good for sex, but apparently they're also good for mental health counseling. 

I was asked to meet with Skeffington the CEO yesterday. Everyone is concerned that my work-related mental health may be a financial liability for the company, so even the CEO felt the need to reassure me that everything would be just fine and that I was still a valued employee even though I was now mentally insane.

Skeffington confessed that his own neurotic behavior led the Board to recommend he seek therapy himself. He told me that he had been seeing a very progressive, forward thinking therapist that had worked wonders on him and said he could do the same for me.

Which is why I found myself up in a tree at 2:05 this afternoon. 

Unlike my fantasy of lying on a comfortable leather couch discussing my problems with a hot female therapist wearing Gucci black horn rimmed glasses, her dark hair pulled back tightly in a bun and her white button down shirt exposing cleavage and a black bra underneath... I got Fred, a balding new age therapist who seems more unbalanced than I ever pretended to be. 

According to Fred, the tree isolates you from the rest of humanity, while at the same time gives you a forum to address the world. You shout out your issues and then leave them up in the tree when you leave. 

"What's on your mind?" he asked. "What bothers you?"

"Well..." I said. "Let me think..."

"Don't think!" he yelled. "Just shout it out. Tell the world what bothers you!"

I hesitated for only a moment, feeling quite a bit of pressure to tell the world something quickly. He was very demanding.

"Walmart!" I blurted out. "Walmart creeps me out!"

It's all I could think of on the spot like that.  But apparently he liked it. I went off on Walmart for a while and the people that frequent the super store. I feel dirty every time I go into the place.

I went with that theme for a while. I'm okay with Target, but not Khols. Ross Dress for Less is just silly. I like upscale stores like Nordstroms and Banana Republic. Makes me feel clean. Although I had dirty sex with a 20-year-old in the changing room at Banana once. Maybe that's why I like the place. 

While I was standing in the tree discussing my issues with various department stores, I looked across the way at the office building next door and noticed there was more to this tree thing than I thought.

In the second floor office stood a woman with dark hair pulled back in a bun, horn rimmed glasses and a white button down shirt... Oh fuck. She was hot. And that was her office. 

Therapy just got a whole lot better. 

Reader Comments (7)

Now you just need to get him fired from the three and replaced with the hot chick. If anyone can do it, Jason X can.

February 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternadzb21

I laughed out loud. Your's is a funny tale of screwing with guys in the office. I'm going to share it with the guys in the office tomorrow. I retweeted.

February 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterripcrd

*from the tree.

February 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternadzb21

Mr. X, for your consideration...

Things to rage against while up in a tree:

Traffic (why not)

Tree Huggers (ripe with irony)

Sushi (even if you like it, actually, esp. if you do, it bothers you because it's so tasty)

Clothing (and the fact it's so...covering)

Commercials (why is the volume is always louder than the show?)

Kids (...on second thought, scratch that, he'll want to delve into your childhood and then it'll get all serious)

Skittles (you only like the reds, it should be all reds in the package)

People who hate bird watchers (and don't forget to bring your binoculars while up in said tree and watch 'the birds' *wink*)

Oh, and Therapists... Therapists bother you.

February 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

I hate Walmart too. The people always have this blank look on their faces, they're like retarded zombies. And they leave pallets in the middle of fucking aisles. Seriously, Walmart sucks.

February 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

Nadzb21: I'm okay with Fred; he's entertaining. Meanwhile, I have the view of the girl in the office to entertain me.

Ripcrd: Thanks man. Now following you on Twitter.

Shoe: Excellent ideas. You also gave me an idea with the Skittles...

Fishy5: Yeah, Walmart makes me feel dirty. Not in a good way.

February 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Ooh...monkey! Rooftop therapy is good too. Although might start that whole suicidal trend again.

February 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

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