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« "Be My Valentine" | Main | Tree Therapy »
Friday
Feb132009

Friday the 13th

Ch-ch-ch-ch... Ah-ah-ah-ah...

I'm not superstitious. I don't knock on wood, or carry a rabbit's foot, or care about walking under ladders. 

Zombies are a fact, so don't even go there.

The point is, I do not associate bad luck with Friday the 13th. Although...

Today was really fucked up. And for a day to be this fucked up, something unnatural was at work. Something calculated. Something evil.

When I came in today, my assistant Teri gave me the Oh shit look as I walked up. She nodded toward my office. This was not just the Oh shit Mulhausen or Fernandez is already being a dick this early in the morning look. This was the Oh shit, Blair is here and she looks pissed look. 

I walked into my office and there she was, sitting in the chair across from my desk with her arms folded and that death stare she's cultivated into a brand. 

"What's up?" I said.

"You fucked Maricruz," she said like a stone cold killer. 

I, of course, shot her a look of complete dismay.

"Bullshit," I said. "Who told you that?"

"She did."

Well, I didn't expect that. She got up and left the office. 

I went over to Maricruz's office, but before I could get there, she saw me, got up from her desk and slammed the door. I stopped, looked around wondering what the fuck was going on.

This was just the first wave.

I got angry emails, voicemail messages, text messages, and IMs from Athena the Lesbian, Lucia, Lissa the SOX Auditor, Ha-Neul the Cannibal, Minoo the HR Coordinator and even Jeni-Fire, who I haven't even had sex with yet.

Suddenly, apparently, the pussy was out of the bag.

I've dealt with one User finding out about another User before; but never all of them at once.

Which is why this was something evil, not just plain bad luck.

I spent the day trying to do damage control, but most of it was in vain.

Sitting in my office, completely blown away by this predicament, I tried to come up with a reason for it all. What goes around comes around, and maybe I was finally getting what I deserved. Finally, karma had caught up to me on a day made for this sort of shit. A day that causes this sort of shit... If you're the superstitious kind.

But since I'm not, I knew I needed to find the real source of this chaos. I needed to find Jason Voorhees and unmask him.

If anyone would know, it would be Chelsea the Intern.

I called her into my office and she was already smiling. She knew exactly what was going on because someone had also tried to manipulate her. But since she's a prostitute, she didn't give a shit that I was fucking everyone else, so the manipulation didn't work on her. 

And what she told me made perfect sense.

I went up to the floor where Mulhausen and Fernandez have offices....

I walked up to the cube outside their offices and unmasked Jason Voorhees. And there was the face of unimaginable evil; a face so hideous, so disgusting, I almost gagged.

"Enjoying your day?" she asked.

That evil whore. That bitch. That cunt.

Fiona the Cunt sat there with a smug expression on her face, so utterly satisfied she couldn't help squirming in her chair with excitement.

How the fuck did she know about all of them?

There was only one answer: Gladstone.

Happy Friday the 13th to me.

..

Reader Comments (11)

Few things:

(1) First of all, sorry, that's pretty fucked up.
B. Why the fuck haven't you off'd that cunt yet?!?! and
iii. Why the fuck haven't you off'd that cunt yet?!?!

February 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Sigh....that's some fucked up shit man. I swore I mentioned to watch out for them a while ago.

February 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNnamdi

There's always an evil, vicous bitch hiding in the wordwork, waiting on the chance to eff it all up for somebody else... Bad luck, indeed. But look at it this way: Now it's HER turn in the barrel!

February 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

Tech Babe: Murder is illegal. Remember what happened to her sister? That was an accident and I still got blamed.

Nnamdi: I know. You're right... You told me so...

Msfitznham: She's going in the barrel all right. That's for damn sure.

February 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

I forgot to add Fi-Ho'-na to the "things to rage against while up in a tree" list. Well, when crap like that happens, it's time to find a silver lining:

.....
.....

....I got nothin', sorry Mr. X. But when I do, I'll let you know. *shrugs*

February 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Well Mr. X, I had a day to collect my thoughts (and become a Twit...terer)...

Gladstone needs to know there are consequences for his actions. Y'all both play the same game up in there, and he broke the rules. It's especially egregious since he know how sheisty Fiona is, and how she has an axe to grind with you.

I would suggest putting his User Pool on blast as was done to you. Two wrongs don't make a right though. But a New Wrong might give you some satisfaction.

Perhaps a 'misdelivered' letter meant for Gladstone inadvertantly placed on Fiona's desk. A letter from the 'clinic' stating that, "Unfortunately Mr. Gladstone, the tests have come back positive, and you do have that incurable venereal disease that we discussed during your office visit." That may be a more appropriate way to piss in his Wheaties and cut off that information pipeline in the process.

As far as your User Pool is concerned, sometimes you have to prune the flowers for them to really blossom (that's my silver lining, took me a whole day too). I would think that some will migrate back your way after the anger wears off and is replaced with some horny. Some won't. But c'est la vie, such as it is.

February 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Shoe: Gladstone is a slave to the pussy. While I'm addicted to pussy, it does not control me. So it's hard for me to punish him too badly for what he was manipulated into doing. But using him now to get to her is a very good idea. And he would definitely be down for it. He feels very guilty and knows he owes me big time for being such an idiot.

I agree with your assessment on the User Pool. Right now, nobody is talking to me. That will change. Burning down the stable is good to do from time to time and we'll see who comes back.

February 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

OMFG! I missed this. I knew something like this would happen. I'm trying not to be too gleeful over it, but honestly, I find it hilarious.

Time to rebuild your pool I suppose.

Count me out!

February 19, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdananner

I know Fiona's a cunt and all, but...I just don't like when the word cunt is used as an insult. Don't you love cunts?

February 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSabina

Sabina: I do love cunts. But I also love my own dick and it doesn't stop me from calling someone a dick. But maybe that's because I don't actually consider it an insult because I'm also a dick. Regardless, I do see your point. Maybe I should call her "Fiona the Gash" instead.

February 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I don't like this one bit. Fiona the Cunt is trying to research you through Gladstone. She likes to slow-play her hands and build it up to something big. She needs to be offed.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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