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« Catch-22 | Main | Imaginary People »

Innocent by Reason of Insanity

Insanity is working for me in more ways than one.

While I am not insane, everyone believes that I am insane because I was trying to make Fernandez believe he was insane by acting insane myself. 

Every once in a while my devious plans backfire. 

And every once in a while, my devious plans that backfire, end up working to my advantage. 

And that's exactly what's happening now.

Because I was deemed mentally unstable at work, HR has forced me to go to therapy. This works to my advantage because I do this on company time.

However, tree therapy is a little weird. 

While I am not insane, standing up in a tree for therapy seems insane and makes me feel less sane than I really am. However, standing up in a tree for therapy puts me in a position to stare into the office window of the woman with jet black hair and glasses who just happens to be gorgeous and who seems to like staring back.

Which makes me think she might be insane.

Once again, another advantage. I like psychotic women.

I like psychotic women for a variety of reasons, some of which are:

  1. Great sex
  2. Never a dull moment
  3. Never predictable
  4. Never want to be in a serious relationship with them

Something very interesting happened today which made me realize this insanity thing has yet another advantage. 

Maricruz came into my office this morning to see me. Yes, the very same Maricruz who wouldn't speak to me on Friday the 13th because she had been turned against me by Fiona the Cunt who told her I was fucking Blair, among others.

But she heard that HR had determined that I was insane and forced me up into a tree.

"You poor thing," she said with sympathetic brows raised. "The stress has driven you to do... Well, insane things."

I looked at her for a moment not quite understanding her angle. But then it hit...

Maricruz had come to realize that the insanity had driven me to fuck other women, which of course, is the only plausible reason I could possibly have to fuck someone who wasn't her. And more importantly, insanity was the only forgivable reason I could possibly have to fuck someone who wasn't her.

Next came Lucia:

"I'm so sorry," she said. "I had no idea. Is it because of me?"

Ah yes. Christian guilt. Lucia was worried that she had driven me to fuck other women by driving me insane. 

Athena the Lesbian was next:

"It's because I confused you with my lesbian tendencies, right?" she asked with a very concerned Lesbian look on her face.

As news travels, I'm sure I'll get more sympathy from the other Users. Although Blair will not be so easily convinced. I'm not sure insanity is really going to change anything for her. But we'll see. 

Fiona the Cunt was on my floor when both Maricruz and Lucia each stopped by. I looked out at Fiona and smiled. She shook her head with a dopey look on her face, unable to comprehend how this could have possibly worked out in my favor. 

Trust me. I don't know how it always seems to work out for me either. It just does. 


Reader Comments (9)

Hill Air Re: Us!

Fiona tried to drain all the water out of the User Pool, but most of it is just flowing back in. She didn't heed the laws of gravity.

Mr. X, like I was saying about insanity, it's mysterious and alluring. Those ladies want to fix you so badly. Try to act broken in between your moments of laughter, lol.

February 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Your boss is pretend, but others think he is real. You might be crazy. A woman in your life is named Maricruz (Mary-Cross) -- Jason, I have figured it out. You are Jesus. Your cross is the tree. Mary is Mary (of the Cross) and since religion is false your Father is pretend.

What prize do I win?

February 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter@outragd

Was going to post a comment about your post Jason, but after reading @outragd's comment===>FUCK. Impressive analysis. Heh...

February 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Shoe: that's exactly what I'll be doing. I agree, women do want to fix men, even nut cases like me.

@outragd: Damn it! My cover is blown. You figured out that I'm Jesus. Well, I guess you win eternal life then.

Tech Babe: The truth shall set you free.

February 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I give up.

February 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternadzb21

Ha, you're more like the anti-Christ than Jesus Christ. But it's all good, gotta love sticking around for the ride. Can't wait to see how you're going to get Fiona back.

February 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlex V.

I vote this all ends up with a blow job in the tree. That is a suitable solution.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAsh

Blow job in a tree. That works for me.

February 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Um you just made that rhyme. Double points.

February 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAsh

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