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Post Mortem


Pronunciation: \ˌpōs(t)-ˈmȯr-təm\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin post mortem after death

1 : done, occurring, or collected after death <postmortem tissue specimens>

2 : following the event

The Post Mortem in the world of Technology is something that occurs after a project or initiative has been delivered. The intention is to dissect the project to determine what went right and what went wrong and to come away with lessons learned. 

But nobody does this at my company on a consistent basis. They only do it when they want to show everyone that you fucked up. 

Adler from the PMO called a Post Mortem to discuss the failed pilot I just pulled the plug on last week. Adler is the hardest working person in I.T.  He's also the person who adds the least value. 

He loves moments like these when he can assemble his PMO and chair an inquisition against me. And I also love moments like these so that I can confuse him and make him look like an idiot.

Adler: Why do you think the pilot was a failure?

Me: Because it was a success.

Adler looked at me, then looked at his team as if he maybe didn't hear me correctly. But they all also had that same befuddled look on their faces.

Adler: But the pilot failed.

Me: Exactly. 

Adler started getting uncomfortable. He rearranged himself in his seat. 

Adler: Failure is the opposite of success. So how could a failed pilot be a success?

Me: The purpose of a pilot is to test a concept out to determine whether or not we should spend the money to fully develop it. This was a bad idea to begin with, but the business wanted it, so I ran a pilot to prove to them that it would fail. I accomplished my goal which makes this project a success.

I then stood up, thanked them for their time and left the conference room. 

The Post Mortem always makes me think about my own death. After I die, I hope people will make tasteless Post Mortem jokes about me. You know, like Heath Ledger jokes:

Accountants around the world today are in a state of panic. It appears that they lost a Ledger. 

Let's say I was found dead in my place. What might be said?  

  • Looks like Jason X got stiff for the last time.
  • Tip for women: How to pick up Jason X... Use a stretcher.
  • How do you become a member of Jason X's User Pool? Necrophilia.  

I know, pretty lame. So if anyone can think of any others, let me know. I want to be prepared for death with a stockpile of tasteless jokes. Even if nobody tells them, I'll imagine that they will.

Reader Comments (6)

Jason X: Going down.

February 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternadzb21

Nadzb21: I like that one. Yes, I did laugh.

No more takers? I thought there'd be plenty who'd like to revel in my death with a few tasteless jokes. If no joke, how about a good way for me to die? I'd like to go out with a bang. Something dramatic. Something that would work well in the film version of The User Pool.

February 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Jason X should die at his happiest. As you said; go out with a bang.

February 8, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternadzb21

Jason X died and found himself standing before St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter looked at him, let out a laugh and said, "You've gotta be shittin me! That Jesus, such a kidder..."

*drum roll*

February 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Fernandez: "Jason X was pushed off the roof by some jealous husband."

Mulhausen: "Well, he was Good To the Last Drop."

*drum roll*

February 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Either that or we can have a full out Comedy Central Roast of you. Leaving a videotape of yourself will always creep people out. You could always leave stupid embarrassing shit to people in a will. That would be a good last "Fuck You" to people.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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