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« Sexorcism | Main | Una »
Friday
Mar132009

Fire Drill Friday the 13th

It was Fire Drill Friday today, and in honor of Friday the 13th, I thought I'd instigate some trouble. 

The last Fire Drill Friday, I stayed in my office and was burned to death by the pretend fire. This did not sit well with HR, so they scolded me for not taking the pretend fire seriously. 

My sources told me today that there would be a fire drill at 11:30am, so I made sure I was on the 2nd floor when it occurred. I walked down one set of stairs and ventured over to the appointed spot at the side of the building to wait for everyone else.

Once everyone was down, they checked off all the names. All but one.

"Smithee?" I said. "My boss? Where is he?" 

I thought it fitting that my pretend boss should burn to death in the pretend fire this time instead of me. 

However, I let the floor leader know that I could not in good conscience leave my boss to burn in the pretend fire, so I ran back in the building to save him.

See? I take pretend fires seriously.

After I ran into the building, I then went out the back and over to Starbucks for a triple venti non-fat vanilla latte, no whip, no foam.

Later in the afternoon, I was called down to HR.

Triplet, the VP of HR, has lost all expression in her face now when she speaks to me. She no longer reacts with shock or frustration, she just simply folds her arms and questions me as a matter of process. I believe she has conceded that she can't win and is just going through the motions now.

It's very disappointing.

"Why did you run back into the building?" she asked. "The fire drill was not finished."

"To save Smithee from the fire," I said.

"There was no fire. It was a drill."

"But if the fire were real, he'd be burned alive," I said. "I couldn't have that on my conscience."

"But he wouldn't have been burned alive because there was no fire, so you would be guiltless."

"If I have to pretend the fire is real, I have to pretend the consequences are real. And if I let someone pretend to die on my watch, then I have to pretend to feel guilty."

Triplet just stared at me with that blank expression. I thought for a moment she was going to snarl, but she stayed firm. Then she made some notes. 

"How's therapy?" she asked.

Interesting. When I speak like her about the seriousness of pretend fires, she thinks I'm insane. 

"Excellent." I said. "I met a friend in the tree. She's a lot of fun."

Triplet made some more notes. Probably something like, Schedule more therapy sessions per week for Jason.

I got off pretty easy this time I guess, probably because I'm insane. It's nice to have that golden ticket. Even so, I still can't believe people think I'm the one who's insane.

Well, I have to get ready for my exorcism. Have a great weekend. 

..

Reader Comments (9)

It's nice to have you as inspiration when I have nights like this. Gives me hope. It's not us, it's them. I always knew it.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

I love the "I met a friend in the tree" part. You're a genius. Most likely you truly are clinically insane, but a genius nonetheless.

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdannybelize

you are hilarious i love this post

March 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkate

I really don't get why everybody is so anti-insane.

March 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

Next fire drill, you should pretend to be the 'burn victim" when everyone's running out and see who runs back in to save you. Might be a pleasant surprise.

March 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

The worst or perhaps best part is, I don't see the insanity at all, u simply made perfect common sense..

March 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjosapienza

I always love HR....

What would happen if you had sex with triplet?

March 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZorro

Msfitznham: It's always them. Never us. Remember that.

DannyBelize: I thank you on both counts.

Kate: Thanks for reading. People are ridiculous. All around us.

Fishy5: I don't either. But I'm working to change the image of the insane. They've gotten a bad rap for far too long.

Tech Babe: I tried that last time and most people seemed to have a look of glee when they saw that I was going to burn to death in the pretend fire. No cute stragglers stayed to attend to my wounds.

Josapienza: Careful, don't let HR hear you say that or you'll be up in the tree with me.

Zorro: Triplet is a cougar with big tits but nothing I could bring myself to ever tap because she's just not cute. I cannot take that one for the team.

March 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I was wondering how in the last fire drill, you were the one to get flack since Smithee and Dinton obviously didn't show up. The execs don't get their time wasted by this crap...

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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