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« Maricruz is Insane | Main | Fire Drill Friday the 13th »
Sunday
Mar152009

Sexorcism

UrbanDictionary.com has two definitions for Sexorcism:  

1. sexorcism
  Major orgasm, feeling as if head could spin. 
2. sexorcism
  A religious ceremony created to forever banish sexual activity from human experience. 

 

Let's go with the first definition. 

Lucia is very religious which is why she wants to exorcise the demons from my body. She has exorcised other things from my body before, but never demons and never in the name of religion. So I told her I would guide her through the process.

I thought it only fitting that the exorcism take place in our company's haunted conference room 3402 starting at 10:00pm on Friday the 13th. 

I set the mood with some candles which gave it a real horror flick mise en scene, evil-enhanced with Black Sabbath's Megalomania

I told Lucia the fudge and caramel topping was to be dripped on my body during the exorcism to draw the demons in my body closer to the surface of my skin; I told her that demons have a thirst for sugar like vampires for blood. 

I told her that I could not obtain holy water, so I went with the next best thing: holy vodka.

She asked what made it holy, and I said it was Grey Goose, the only vodka the Pope drinks.

Although she brought bondage cuffs, there really wasn't anything to hook them to on the conference table. So I took off my socks, put them on my hands and told her that even if the demons took control of my hands, they wouldn't be able to see through the socks, so she'd be safe. 

We then took a couple of shots of holy vodka to cleanse our souls. And then another. And then another. Lucia was getting pretty loopy. 

Then Lucia took off my shirt, had me lie down on the conference table and she placed the crucifix on my chest. Then she opened her Bible and started reading with a nice little slur:

Deus, in nómine tuo salvum me fac, et virtúte tua age causam meam. Deus, audi oratiónem meam; áuribus pércipe verba oris mei...

At that moment Gladstone came crashing into the conference room with Stephanie from Softlines. He was drunk and horny and did not expect to stumble in on an exorcism. 

I hadn't really spoken to him since the last Friday the 13th

Both Gladstone and Stephanie from Softlines stood there with blank expressions on their faces as they looked over the room; the candles, the music, the crucifix on my bare chest.... And the socks on my hands.

"Uh, hey Jason," Gladstone said. "What's going on?"

"It's an exorcism," Lucia said. "I'm trying to get the demons out of him."

Gladstone's eyes got big; a gleeful big. Stephanie from Softlines seemed frightened.

"Can we watch?" Gladstone asked.

"No," I said. "No heathens allowed."

Gladstone went away dejected. He knew he really fucked up with Fiona the Cunt and my User Pool; I could tell it had been killing him--well, when he wasn't fucking around with his own User Pool. Maybe I've made him suffer long enough.

Once they were gone, Lucia got back to her Bible reading. 

I told her I could feel the demons inside and it was time to use the fudge and caramel sauce. 

She started with my chest. I told her to lick the sauce off my skin and it would bring the demons out. 

So she licked.

I told her the demons were moving. Lower. So she licked lower. And lower.

Pants came off.

There was only one place those demons were going to exit my body, and it was pretty obvious where at that very moment. So I told Lucia she'd need to suck them out. And to do that, she'd have to suck really hard.

I told her to put some holy vodka on the exit point and then start sucking. 

Well, let me tell you... She sucked every last dirty little devil out of my body that night. 

She was so happy to finally cure me of possession, she praised the Lord and then asked me to sodomize her. 

..

Reader Comments (12)

holy shit....this is the first i've read of your "stories" i'm guessing there are others like this? pretty cool :)

March 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrachelkorrin

"I told her to put some holy vodka on the exit point and then start sucking. "

Thank you, Father Jason

March 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHoney

Rachelkorrin: Typically I try to keep religion out of my blog, but sometimes you just have to exorcise some demons.

Honey: In the name of all that's good and pure, I do what I can to keep the workplace holy.

March 15, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Holy vodkha...will never thought in a million years that would be permitted in exorcism.

March 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpaintbrush

I must say I'm quite impressed with your knowledge of vampires and their blood lust. I cannot confirm it mirrors a demons craving for sugar, but it seems to have resulted in a successful sexorcism, so I fully support your methods. Best of luck keeping the demons at bay.
Pamela

March 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPam Ravenscroft

Two things:

(1) Call me a demon and a vamp. I've got the sugar thing down but can't find any takers to test out the latter.

(2) Did you have your recommended dose of pineapple juice?

March 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

I'd like to caution you Mr. X, it generally takes more than one sitting to exorcise all the demons. Tricky fellows, they are, hiding in the deep recesses. You should urge Lucia to practice persistence in this matter until you're all...clean.

LOL @ Gladstone the Heathen, leaving with the sad face. Consequences of breaking the first rule of The User Pool...

March 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

I loved this post. I believe I am due for an sexorcism myself.

March 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

"even if the demons took control of my hands, they wouldn't be able to see through the socks"

That shit's funny.

March 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPFont

Paint Brush: Holy vodka is the only way to exorcise.

Pamela: The demons never left. I'm still fully disfunctional.

Tech Babe: Are you sure you've never had a taker to test out the latter?

Shoe: Yes, Gladstone gets what he deserves. And yes, the demons must be exorcised on a regular basis to make it stick (or sticky).

Matt: Everyone should experience an exorcism at least once. Or at least a sexorcism.

Pfont: Thanks. I enjoyed pulling the wool over the demon's eyes.

March 17, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Great idea, but will this work over the long run?

July 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNina-Muellerson

"I put my socks on my hands." Hahahaha. Hmm Halloween is coming up, I may have to try one of these myself. Gladstone better make it up to you soon. It's been a month since he's fucked up royally.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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