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« Lucretia | Main | I Am Jason's Smirking Revenge »
Tuesday
Mar242009

Project User Pool Mayhem

I have decided that Smithee will be this company's Tyler Durden.

Although Smithee does not exist, everyone believes that he does. I am the only one who does not. Which means, everyone at this company but me has a split personality. 

Things around here are going to change. 

Everyone knows this because Smithee knows this.

Smithee handed out an assignment today. The task was to start an argument with one person and let them win.

Nobody wins an argument at this company. The rule in this company is to argue a point in a meeting and never back down, even if the counter point is inarguable. 

Everyone who is a member of the User Pool Fight Club went into meetings today prepared to start an argument that they would inevitably back down from and concede victory to their opponent. 

This single act of corporate terrorism has caused a significant amount of chaos within the company today. 

People left meetings with blank stares on their faces. It confused people to the extent they could not function properly in subsequent meetings. 

Gladstone argued with Tefft about minority recruiting and conceded that only white candidates should be hired. I met with Tefft soon after regarding the Easter celebration and she agreed that this year we should highlight the pagan attributes of Easter.

Petrizzo argued with Kornfeld about the budget for application development on his project and conceded that we did not need any money to complete the project. Kornfeld then signed my expense report without question which included three sushi nights for the team in one month. 

McKinney argued with Mulhausen about network security and then conceded that Mulhausen can use "password" as his password and would never have to change it. Mulhausen soon after purchased double stuff Oreo cookies from me, even though I'm drawing customers away from his own sale of his daughter's Girl Scout cookies

Kessler argued with Pangbourn that his laptop keeps malfunctioning because he keeps dropping it. Kessler conceded that the laptop was really malfunctioning because someone was trying to blow Pangbourn up. Pangbourn went to his car tonight without having his assistant check for a bomb.

I argued with Plotkin that because of the bee incident, he really did not need the wheelchair anymore. I conceded that he truly couldn't walk and would be in the wheelchair the rest of his life. By end of day, he got up and walked as if Jesus had healed him.

My staff made similar concessions with similar results.

Project User Pool Mayhem is beginning to create the kind of chaos this company has never before witnessed.

Only in sanity are we no longer a part of Project User Pool Mayhem. 

..

Reader Comments (8)

Perfect execution Mr. X!

Ready to deploy Project User Pool Mayhem in my workplace.

March 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

LOL, that was crazy. I could imagine Smithee's next assignment being: Everyone must solve a problem in the office as if they were MacGyver, with only the office supplies on hand ("I fixed the server with a paper clip and a post-it, sir."). Smithee might find that rather amusing, esp. since he directed the pilot episode.

March 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

wow, can't wait for the next assignment for the team

March 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercaptialn

Soon your coworkers will be Jack's cold sweat.

March 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSabina

I think you should have Smithee institute "have sex with a co-worker day". That could be one very tiring day for you.

March 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Matt: I respectfully submit that Mr. X already has that day instituted, It is called Tuesday. Or is it Wednesday? Monday?...lol

March 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Oh, the insanity.

March 28, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Instead of selling cookies or candybars you could start selling soap.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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