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« Una | Main | The Exorcism of Jason X »
Friday
Mar062009

Therapy is Working

Therapy is working.

Fred the Therapist believes I'm more insane with every session.

And although I'm only telling him the truth, he believes I'm lying. He believes the stories are all in my head. So if he believed my stories were true, he'd also believe I was sane and it was the rest of the world that was insane. But that would also make him insane, so he'll never believe that.  

For example, I told him how I convinced Conklin to murder his slutty wife. And even though she's dead, it's not because we murdered her. Is it my fault that Conklin's slutty wife was killed accidentally during our failed murder attempt? I didn't tell her to run out into the middle of the street while Conklin was trying to drop a credenza on her head from the second floor balcony. 

Regardless, Fred the Therapist did not believe a word of it. He believes that I made it all up in my head. 

I also told him about my failed suicide attempt. It was only a failure because I never really intended to commit suicide but everyone else believed I did, which made it a failed suicide because I didn't kill myself. Again, everyone else is insane. 

I told him about the time I burned to death in the pretend fire during Fire Drill Friday. The only reason I know I burned to death in the pretend fire during Fire Drill Friday is because HR told me so. I was reprimanded for not exiting the building during the pretend fire and that I was burned alive as a result. Most people wouldn't be reprimanded for burning to death. So again, who's really insane? 

I've been bringing Skittles to Therapy so that I can throw them at the window of the office of the woman with jet black hair and glasses. Not only to get her attention, but also to disrupt meetings she has in her office. She finds it funny. Other people in the meetings don't.

Fred the Therapist thinks I'm trying to feed the birds with Skittles. I've actually pulled out my condom sling shot and tried to peg a few birds during therapy. That was fun. 

I believe the woman with jet black hair and glasses is an exhibitionist. Not because she's flashed her tits at me or anything, but because she drops her pen a lot. 

She drops her pen, bends over and picks it up. Her ass is really worth it, let me tell you. So either she's clumsy or she's trying to draw my attention. I'd like to think the latter. 

Today there must have been a birthday celebration in the office or something because she came back with a piece of pie. She stood at the window while she ate it and stared out at me.

I really like the way she eats pie.

She mouthed, Want some?

And that's about all I could take.

The woman with jet black hair and glasses got a visit from me right after tree therapy. I walked into her office and said, I'm here for pie.

She laughed instead of calling security. I asked her to have a drink with me. She accepted my invitation. I asked her why she wasn't nervous about having drinks with a crazy person who she met in a tree outside her window during tree therapy.

For some reason, it turns me on, she said.

My kind of girl.

So we tried to nail down a date.

"Next Friday?" she asked.

"Can't," I said. "Got an exorcism."

"Performing one?" she asked.

"No," I said. "It's actually being performed on me."

Didn't seem to phase her.

"During the week then?" she asked.

"Wednesday night?"

"Can't Wednesday," she said. "Cock fight in East LA."

I didn't ask.

"Tuesday?"

"Perfect."

Well, the date is set. She seems reasonably insane, so this should be very interesting. I don't even know what the fuck she does. Forgot to ask. She doesn't know what I do either. I did get her name though.

Una.  

..

Reader Comments (10)

Send tree Doc my way, I'll have him saying you are sane in no time:)

March 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAupair

I need to carry around a bag of Skittles. It seems to get rave reviews.

March 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

why aren't you writing for Hollywood?

March 8, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdananner

Aupair: Sounds like you have some talent I should tap

Shoe: Always comes in handy. Didn't have any last night though. I regretted that.

daNanner: I am writing for Hollywood. They just don't know it yet.

March 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Apparently tree therapists are not as groundbreaking as they sound. It will always be an inconvenient time for a historically disenfranchised minority (here, the patient) to receive the benefit of the doubt as regards mental hygiene.

Una is a wonderful name suggesting both off-the-grid sensuality and the Anglican Church.

March 8, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpariah

Um...condom sling shot?

March 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSabina

I am going to write to Larry Flynt and suggest he make a porno based on your (work) life story. I expect a 10% of the gross for a finders fee though.

March 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

BTW: What ever happened to Ha-Neul the Cannibal?

March 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Pariah: Yes. True. I think.

Sabina: A Skittles weapon I developed in my office. Works well on people as well as birds.

Matt: 10% is very reasonable.... Ha-Neul the Cannibal is still an active User. As long as she believes I'm insane, she will continue to try to eat me.

March 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I like Una. I hope this one turns out well.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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