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« The Return of Blair | Main | Bite Me »
Monday
Apr062009

Suicidal but not Insane

HR is questioning my insanity.

Apparently insanity in the workplace costs the company money. And if I'm not demonstrating enough insane tendencies at work, Tree Therapy is no longer cost effective. 

But it bothers me that HR thinks I'm sane. Because for them to truly think I'm sane means they must be sane themselves. And if they're sane, it makes me question my own sanity. The fact of the matter is, now that they think I'm sane, I very well may be insane. 

I decided to prove them wrong by going up to the roof of the building to pretend I was suicidal again. But for some reason, I couldn't get anyone's attention up there this time. I decided to use my Blackberry and send a message to Triplet, the VP of HR, to let her know I was on the roof again.

After twenty minutes, Minoo the HR Coordinator came up to the roof and told me Triplet wanted to see me in her office. I was irritated that nobody came up to try to talk me down. The last time I was on the roof, it was by accident, and they called the police and fire department to get me down, then made me call the Suicide Hotline once a day.

And while Minoo the HR Coordinator did not try to talk me down, she did try to talk me into roof sex. I wasn't sure how sex with her would be without fucking her on her Hello Kitty bedspread. 

Of course I did it. I'm not insane.

So after another twenty minutes, I went down to Triplet's office and complained that nobody was taking my suicide attempt seriously. I also complained that nobody was taking my insanity seriously, especially given I was once again suicidal. 

"In light of the current economic climate," Triplet explained, "suicide is not considered insane behavior. In fact, suicide is on the rise again because of the current economic climate and viewed as a more sane reaction to the crisis than some of the other more desperate alternatives." 

"What about Jason's smirking revenge?" I asked desperately. "I have an alter ego who's causing chaos in this company."

"Again," she said, "the economy is driving everyone to believe they are someone else because they can't believe this is happening to them."

Triplet further explained that the company was no longer able to invest in the sanity of its employees because sanity overall is a shrinking commodity. The company has decided that insanity promotes out-of-the-box thinking and will therefore be more beneficial to the company because creativity is more crucial than ever during this economic hardship.

"So even if you are still insane," she said, "the company will benefit."

When I finally left Triplet's office I had no more doubts about my sanity because I was assured that the company was still very much insane. 

Well, no more Tree Therapy for me. Back to the grind of delegating all my work to other people so that I can take credit for more while doing less and spending my time at work fucking my users.

I'm really feeling the pinch of this recession.

..

Reader Comments (6)

Love it. You even make the economic downturn work for you.

April 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdananner

Most of my coworkers are convinced of my insanity, and have been convinced of it for a very long time. However, I only became truly frightened for my own sanity when I read this and saw the sanity in HRs assertions.

Oh god...

April 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

I take your sane insanity seriously. Meet me at the tree.

April 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Does this mean no more insane pills for Blair?

April 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermalackey

dananner: I think I can pretty much make anything work for me. Not sure why, it's just a skill I was born with.

msfitznham: Yeah... Makes you think....

Tech Babe: It's raining. You're going to get really wet.

Malackey: No more insane pills. But I haven't used the ones I have. So I'm still good for Blair.

April 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Pretty good writing bro

April 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPyerse

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