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« Interrogation | Main | Swine Flu Friday »
Saturday
May092009

Fernandez' Monthly Presentation

Kessler hates Fernandez more than anyone, including me.

This is because Kessler knows more about Fernandez than anyone. Kessler is the Exchange Manager, so he has access to everyone's email. Listen and take heed:

Your password is encrypted, so even the Exchange technical team can't get into your mailbox without changing your password first. If your password suddenly no longer works, you know someone has gotten into your email. 

But the Exchange technical team can still get into your email without you knowing. They take a backup of everyone's mail box every night. It creates a separate instance of your entire email account on a separate backup server. So anytime they feel like it, the Exchange guys can go onto the backup server and change your password there, then get into your email. Your password in production never changes.

This is one of Kessler's favorite hobbies. He has so much shit on everyone in the company, including me, he could blackmail his way to riches in no time.

Fernandez should have known this. But after all, he is an idiot.

One of the things Kessler found in Fernandez' email box was a message from Fernandez to Fessler complaining about Kessler.

Kessler had saved Fernandez' ass on several occasions, so to find out that Fernandez was blaming shit on him behind his back--that wasn't even his fault--made Kessler more than a little bitter.

Kessler also found email messages from Fernandez to the stupid, naive, father-figure-fucking little whores he was somehow hooking up with. This is how we first found out Fernandez, that tiny stick of a man, was actually a player

One of Kessler's other hobbies is to fuck with Fernandez. He has honed this skill very well, unlike yours truly (remember my mental instability?). 

On Thursday night after work, Kessler decided to fuck Tami the Help Desk Analyst on Fernandez' desk. Another thing to remember: always sanitize your desktop in the morning when you come in; you never know who's been fucking where after hours at the office. 

To Kessler's great surprise and delight, Tami the Help Desk Analyst started her period. So things got a little messy. Not just bloody messy, but blood-clotty messy. This was a real thick and chunky salsa like visit from Aunt Flo.  He apparently broke the dam with the angry sex he was enjoying atop Fernandez' desk. 

Kessler did not make any effort to clean up any of the mess they left on the desk. He noticed a clean copy of one of Fernandez' presentations in his inbox. Kessler decided to clean his cock with it.

The next morning was hilarious except for one thing. Fernandez believes the only person capable of doing something this disgusting is me. Kessler knows this, which is why he had no fear of getting caught.

I already have an appointment to meet with HR on Monday.

Even so, it's still fucking hilarious.  

Reader Comments (12)

It's kind of like Kessler bloodclotblocked you. With his cock.

May 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason Nassi

Why does this make me laugh SO HARD...!! *unmuffled laughter*

May 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

@jnassi: Yes, he did. Good term: "bloodclotblocked". And, unfortunately I liked it.

Far: Cuz you know its true.

May 9, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Red wings at the office. God you people aim high

May 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLynx

I don't know whether to laugh or cry...or laugh.
But what's really disturbing is that I feel sad I don't have to sanitize my desktop in the morning when I come in.
You broke me. :p

May 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Troy

"This was a real thick and chunky salsa like visit from Aunt Flo." Thick n' chunky typically happens on Day 1 & 2 according to my aunt FLOW chart here.

Too bad this didn't happen on Cinco de Mayo. The salsa woulda' come in handy for someone, I'm sure.

May 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

Lynx: We do what we can.

Lisa: I'm disturbed by it too. And I'm getting blamed for it. I have the best friends....

Tech Babe: Now that's even more disturbing.

May 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Wow. Just, wow. LMAO

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

I used to sniff my desk to see if it smelled like that hottie in accounting, but one day I smelled ass. I've sanitized ever since.

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSniff sniff sniff

Shoe: This shit happens.

Sniffsniffsniff: That's what I'm saying. I can imagine what a blacklight would reveal.

May 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I am laughing so fucking hard at this one. Kessler rules! I definitely prefer random acts of terrorism when messing with people so I have less of a change getting caught.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

M: He's a piece of work, all right.

September 17, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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