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« Lost | Main | Fernandez' Monthly Presentation »
Thursday
May142009

Interrogation

HR called me down for questioning on Monday regarding the Bloody Presentation incident.

Triplet, the VP of HR, offered me a seat, then paced around me like a blood thirsty buzzard. Her fantasies of being "The Closer" were more alive than ever. She must have just watched an episode the night before. 

She showed me exhibit "A", the bloody presentation.

"Someone get a nose bleed?" I asked.

She stopped in front of me and gave me a scrutinizing eye--as if she could determine with just a look if I were lying.

"No," she said. "We suspect this is menstrual blood." 

"Someone used Fernandez' presentation as a tampon?" I asked.

Triplet did not like this comment as represented with a sneer.

"Fernandez believes you're responsible," she said.

"Not possible," I said. "I'm not expecting my period for another two weeks."

Heavy sigh.

"Fernandez believes you had sex on his desk with a woman who was on her period," she said.

"I would never have sex on his desk with a woman who was on her period." 

Triplet squinted her eyes at me. "And if she wasn't on her period?"

"I don't have sex, period," I said. "No pun intended."

"Really..." she said with cynicism. "Why is that?"

"I'm married." 

Triplet hates when she can't intimidate me. The more she tries to intimidate me, the less intimidated I become. The less intimidated I become, the more intimidated she becomes. The more intimidated she becomes, the more frustrated she becomes and eventually abandons her fantasy of being "The Closer". 

At that point she sat down at her desk.

"Can you account for your whereabouts last Thursday night?" she asked.

"Yes," I said. "I was in a tree."

"More therapy?"

"Not that kind of a tree," I said.

"Who can verify that?"

"The woman who was up in the tree with me."

"What were you doing up in a tree with a woman?"

"Bird watching."

"At night?"

"Damn," I said. "Is that why we didn't see any birds?"

Triplet just shook her head. She picked up her pen ready to scribble.

"What was the woman's name?"

"She wants to remain anonymous," I said. "Her husband doesn't like her bird watching."

When I left Triplet in her office, she was completely frustrated. But she should be used to that by now. She just can't win. I don't know why she even tries anymore.

Fernandez has been pissy all week. Kessler has been happy all week.

I love my job.  

Reader Comments (9)

They held on to the salsa covered presentation.....gross!!

May 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercaptialn

Evidence. Maybe they should do a DNA test.

May 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

What a great move: Stonewall her with the facts! I've always admired your style.

May 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

I'm still dying off of this one:

"Not possible," I said. "I'm not expecting my period for another two weeks."

They might as well give you a second office stationed in the HR Dept. as many times as they call you in, it'll save you the trip, Mr. X...

May 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

First of all, I'd pace around you too. You're too good to look at. :D
"Not possible," I said. "I'm not expecting my period for another two weeks." ==>ROTFLMAO Really, this is a video-worthy moment. I would pay anything...
"I'm married."==> Lalalalalala
I love your job too. Are there any openings for young, aspiring, eager to work, petite Greek redheads? Just saying...

May 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Troy

Msfitznham: HR is too easy. Just too easy.

Shoe: You're probably right. But since they believe I'm the anti-Christ, they pretty much want me as far away as possible.

Lisa: As long as you have an opening I can fill, I'm pretty sure I can find you a spot.

May 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Aaaw that's so sweet...I think.
OK, but I'll come next month. My ring has to heal first.

May 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Troy

Still grossed out. But Jason X wins again. You're right about Triplet. You'd think she'd know better by now. Or maybe she wants you to take her on the floor.

May 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

I cannot believe you pulled those one-liners with a straight face. Still fucking hilarious.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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