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« Tawny the Temp | Main | Interrogation »
Saturday
May162009

Lost

After reading through the Wall Street Journal on Friday, I realized why my company is so disconnected from the rest of the business world.

Our office building has crash-landed on a desert island in the middle of the south Pacific and we are Lost

We have been cut off from the rest of the civilized business community and are forced to come up with our own crude policies, procedures, and methodologies with the limited resources this island has to offer. 

We are constantly thwarted by "The Others," who are also known as Corporate IT. They try to infiltrate us, pretend they are working with us--but really, they're working against us. Their agenda is sabotage, not synergy. I see right through their ruse. 

Fernandez used to work for Corporate IT; I don't think he ever really left. In fact, he's probably still their leader. Let's call him "Has-Ben". 

The SOX initiative, also known as the Karma initiative (what your company reaps, so shall your company sow), has been here since I arrived. This initiative is run by E&Y, who has enforced the use of the most inept and ineffective controls in order to satisfy government compliance, and more importantly, to pretend to ensure the safety of our company.

For example, any change order, data fix, or enhancement request that is intended to go into the system needs my email approval at every stage of the process. I have been told by E&Y, if I don't check my email every hour and click the "Approval" button, the company will explode. 

So every hour, I click to save our company from a cataclysmic disaster. 

The leader of the island may very well be Smithee. Nobody has ever seen him, although many purport to have spoken to him in person so that others will think he or she is cool. This took the pressure off of me to pretend my imaginary boss was real, since everyone else started pretending he was real for me. At this point, so many people have seen my imaginary boss, I'm beginning to believe he might be real after all.

I am constantly surprised by the fact that we continue to make a profit in this business with so many incompetent business people working against that goal. But this is, after all, the business of licensing. And with a brand like ours, it simply sells itself. 

Both the island and brand are mystical. They transcend time and space, as well as the complete ineptitude of its inhabitants.   

The good thing about this island is there are a lot more women to fuck than just a single Kate.  So although I've had the opportunity to leave the island on a submarine, I have declined because there's just too much pussy to pass up for freedom. 

I'm afraid, my friends, I will be stranded in this company forever. 

Reader Comments (6)

Have you ever seen the movie "Severance"? Maybe your company needs to go on a retreat. Heh-heh.

May 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFloraIsadora

I am lost when it comes to Lost references. They actually lost me in season one when after two eps they lost episode three and went straight into re-runs. At that point, I lost any interest along with the ability to remember when the damn show came on. I did try to get back into maybe a month later, but by that point I had lost my place along with my ability to comprehend what the hell was going on.

Did I mention I was lost? With any luck, this post will get lost on the way to posting to the blog as it lost any value after the first sentence :\

May 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Once, long, long ago, it occurred to me that if my bosses actually told me what I was supposed to do and what goal we were hoping to reach by my doing it our company would run much more efficiently. When I suggested this to them they handed me a glass ball and a yard of black velvet.

However, they didn't tell me what I was supposed to do with these, either...

May 19, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

Psst...come to the other side of the island. I'm disguised as one of "The Others" and I'm well on my way to gaining the respect required to lead 2/3 of the tribe. They will soon adhere to my leadership and then, and only then, can I hit 'em with the big "FUCK YOU" bomb and you and I can rule the island!!! (or have sex all day...)

May 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Get back to work.

And don't try any of that loophole bullshit, I can't be killed.

May 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlan S.

FloraIsadora: No, haven't seen the movie. Good flick? A retreat with this company would be deadly. Although I'd probably get some good tent sex.

Shoe: I enjoy being lost. That's why I like the show. Oh, and seeing Kate's sweaty body.

msfitznham: I should try that glass ball and velvet trick. I like confusing people.

Tech Babe: Your end goals are always in line with mine. That's why I like you.

Alan S.: That's why I'm beginning to believe you're real myself. Because I didn't write this. Fuck.

May 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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