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« Fernandez' Monthly Presentation | Main | Suspicious Tits »
Friday
May012009

Swine Flu Friday

Pangbourn, the company's Executive Sponsor of the Emergency Response Team, issued a statement regarding the Swine Flu today: 

Dear colleagues:

I'd like to take a moment to talk about Pandemic Planning and Awareness. Influenza A (H1N1) also known as "Swine Flu" must not be taken lightly.

As we all know, there is an outbreak in Mexico. 27,000 may already have died from the flu. While only 7 deaths have been confirmed, it has been confirmed that at least 26993 deaths are unconfirmed.  

The deadly virus has crossed the border into San Diego as it has been confirmed that a San Diego man was infected by the virus. It is still unconfirmed that he has died from the deadly virus because it was confirmed that he has fully recovered. Do not take this as a positive sign; it has only been confirmed that he has not died "yet" from the virus. It has not been confirmed that he will "never" die from the virus. Never is a long time; I dare them to confirm that.

Symptoms are: 

  • Sneezing
  • Coughing
  • Diarrhea
  • Vomiting
  • Headaches
  • Fever

Basically, all the normal symptoms of the flu.

Please take the following precautions:  

  • Cancel all business trips to Mexico
  • Stay away from Mexicans
  • If you are a Mexican employee, please work from home
  • Call security if you see a coughing Mexican
  • Wash your hands often; you may wear surgical masks and gloves at work. However, scrubs are not necessary
  • Do not eat pork or pork products; they say you cannot contract this virus from eating pork, but let's not take any chances
  • Do not eat chicken or chicken products; if you've ever been to a farm, you know chickens mingle with pigs. Again, we must not take any chances
  • Do not eat Mexican food. I don't think I need to explain further

These are simple rules to follow. Remember, this is a pandemic. A pandemic is worse than an epidemic; in fact, the definition of a pandemic is: a big epidemic. Google it. 

As the Executive Sponsor of the Emergency Response Team, I will take it upon myself to quarantine you if I suspect you have the Swine Flu; I have a conference room set up for this very purpose. If you feel any of the symptoms, stay home or I will quarantine you until the authorities decide what to do with you. 

Thank you for your on-going support and cooperation. 

Well, I feel safe knowing Pangbourn is on the case. Hopefully he doesn't realize I have Mexican blood in my veins. 

Reader Comments (12)

"Hopefully he doesn't realize I have Mexican blood in my veins. "

Are they opening the concentration camps in the parking lot yet?

May 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNick

Interestingly enough, the same kind of email was disseminated throughout my company as well. We have a huge office in Mexico City. Any one who was just out there on business is not allowed to come back into the L.A. office without a clearing note from their doctor.

I just had Mexican the other night and a bacon dbl cheeseburger earlier in the week. I better down a bottle of Goose to wash it all out.

May 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

This is an example of the few reasons I like living in Greece.
We never panic unless teetering at the edge of the cliff, half the body already in the air. And we never panic because we never think ahead. Because if the Greek government thought ahead, they'd realize they don't have the infrastructure to take any preemptive measures and they'd panic.
I really LMAO with one the measures though. They had airport personnel hand out leaflets with info about the swine flu to all passengers only coming INTO Greece--because if you're stupid enough to travel abroad, you deserve to catch the flu, but if you do, they want to know so they can put you in quarantine.
Oh, and they did it wearing rubber gloves. I admit that threw me. I mean, you don't touch someone by handing a piece of paper, and you never touch the paper again, so WTH? Haven't figured out why yet.
"Hopefully he doesn't realize I have Mexican blood in my veins. "
Well, if it's from your mother's side of the family, you're in the clear. If your last name is Mexican, he'll probably figure it out, but by the time his excellent deductive skills go into gear, zombies will have eaten us all.

May 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Troy

Now I know for certain that I live in a region that operates from a completely different mindset: Here in Alabama the only signs of panic I noticed were due to the potential thread to weekend sports events.

Ah, well... Breakfast calls and I have a real craving for double bacon Welsh Rarebit generously garnished with Pico de Gallo.

May 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

"I'm a little piggy, oink oink oink, oink oink oink..." -Cartman

The hysteria is almost hysterical, were it not for the people dying part.

May 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Nick: That's next on Pangbourn's agenda.

Tech Babe: I had Mexican the other night too. But she hasn't been to Mexico in a while, so I think I'm in the clear.

Lisa: Rubber gloves. I wore them with the Mexican the other night. Not that I was afraid of the flu; we were playing doctor.

msfitznham: Yum. I'm hungry now.

Shoe: Cartman is the best.

May 2, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

yeah, dont eat pork just to be safe. wow. you should start an advice column, and you could call it "uninformed opinions based on fox news headline feeds"

May 4, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersteven p

Steven: Haha, actually that's not a bad idea at all. Just looked at their website; there's a lot of material there to fuck with.

May 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Just quarantine me with you and let's fuck all day.

did she really write that or were you twisting someone's words again? There are more and more cases. School I work at had a vague moment of panic and canceled a mother's day activity. I have an eprep background with my kids school near san andreas fault. I've followed this closely. There are some ties to the 1918 pandemic. It was very mild in the the spring, came back in the fall and killed about 2% of those it infected. It infected 1/3 of world's population. (Can't completely remember numbers- buzzed and don't give a shit.) Also "Tamiflu" is currently ineffective with some strains of the flu. If it crosses and mutates, HMMMM lovely. Ineffective.

Personally, I'd rather risk getting it now, and close my asinie little school for awhile!

May 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdevilbluedress

A friend was worried about going to a mexican restaurant... I said, as opposed to any other restaurant that has a large hispanic contingency in the kitchen?

We opted for Swiss food. Kidding about the swiss food.

I had carnitas.

Touche'

"yeah, dont eat pork just to be safe. wow. you should start an advice column, and you could call it "uninformed opinions based on fox news headline feeds""

That is already a network, Fox News, and a party, the Republicans.

Sound bite america... but remember, biting pork is unsound.

I heard you get swine flu from desktop blood clots. *gag*

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFox Legal

Devilbluedress: I opt for the fucking all day.

Swine flu over... I eat Mexican food. Especially female Mexican food.

FoxLegal: You could probably get a lot of things from desktop blood clots. Don't forget to sanitize.

May 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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