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« My Left Nut | Main | Pimps and Hos »

Smithee in the Sky with Diamonds


After my imaginary boss sent me that kind email threatening to remove my left testicle if I didn't pay his ho, I decided a little tree therapy was in order. I tried to explain to Fred the Therapist:

"My imaginary boss sent me an email," I said.

"The imaginary boss you made up that everyone else believes is real?"

"That's the one."

"Was it an imaginary email or a real one?"


"Did you send it to yourself?"

"Not that I recall."

"Then I see your dilemma. I don't think the tree is going to help."

At that moment, I saw Una in her office on the second floor. She still had that sweet, sexy, insane look in her eye as she watched me standing in the tree. Since Fred the Therapist couldn't help me with my dilemma, I decided to go see what Una could do.

A blowjob and sex on her desk.

Well, Una didn't solve my dilemma, but visiting her was a good diversion.


I decided I wasn't insane. So if not insane, who could have sent me the email? Only someone who had access to the mailbox. There are only three:

I interrogated each, including Nick via phone who was on location in Brazil. They all swore it wasn't them and that they hadn't given out the email password. I interrogated Gladstone a little more closely.

"You sure you didn't say anything to Fiona?" I asked.

"Of course not," he said.

"What do you mean, 'Of course not'? You fuckin' told her all my shit, why wouldn't you tell her this?"

"I said nothing about Smithee. I swear."

I didn't know what to do. So I fucked Lucia in the Comm Closet.


I confronted Tawny the Temp in the kitchen.

"Who the fuck do you work for?" I blurted out once I had her pinned up against the counter and microwave.

"You know who I work for."


"That's right."

"Have you ever seen him?"

"No," she said. "I got a request through my agency for a temp job. It's a great gig. Everyone around here is so fucking sexually pent-up. The money is great--when people pay... 30% goes to Smithee." 

I immediately thought: How come I only get 20% from Chelsea

Then I got suspicious. Is Tawny the Temp just playing dumb? Or...

"Are you Smithee?"


"Do you have a pimp that doesn't really exist?"

"Make up my own boss? That would be insane," she said. "Smithee is real. You should know, he's your boss."

I was beginning to think insanity was again the answer.

I went and found Chelsea. I complained about the 20%, so she fucked me in my office and reminded me that I get that shit as a bonus. 


I had lunch with Blair. I asked her if she had seen Smithee lately. She said yes, just this morning. I knew immediately Blair was as insane as ever and that she had nothing to do with this.

I had sex with Blair that night on a swing set in the park. 


I got another email from Smithee, but this time from a private gmail account ( It said:

Pay Monday or lose your nut.

I should probably just pay. I don't like my testicles being threatened. This whole thing is really stressing me out. So I let Maricruz sooth my nuts last night in the bleachers at the high school. 

But the question remains: Who is Smithee?

Reader Comments (17)

Mr. X

I have my suspicions regarding Smithee's real identity, but have been instructed to keep it to myself, or else...

June 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

dumbshit should have asked tawny how she got him his 30%. If he's a real person, the money has to go somewhere......

i say it's tawny.

June 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternrgins

msfitznham: Come on, let's hear it....

nrgins: She gives the money to her agency, then the agency pays Smithee somehow. That's all I've got so far.

June 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

The Temp Agency. The Temp Agency is a covert prostitution operation. You should bring in another temp and see who or what they send you. If the new temp rates like Tawny, then you may have something here.

nrgins...good thinking!

June 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Tech Babe: No, I think Smithee (aka whomever thinks he/she is Smithee) called an escort service/agency and ordered her from there. I doubt Apple Temps supplies prostitutes. Although it wouldn't be a bad idea.

June 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Check billing. The person using Smithee's name and account could also be picking up Smithee's paychecks. May lead you to an address or at the very least a new lead.

June 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNnamdi

I think it's Tech Babe!!!

June 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

I just hope this doesn't happen to you: "Where's My Money??" I'd hate to see, about your pretty face all messed up...

P.S. I'm not going to say I *am* Smithee, but I'm not going to say I'm not either...

June 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Hmm...just hmm. *rubs chin deep in comtemplative thought* I'm still not swayed from my initial assessment, but I will take your word for it that he does not have the capacity for it.

Gladstone. (said like 'Newman')...don't know about that dude, but I don't like him. That's why I don't follow his @$$ on the twitter. That might deserve further scrutiny.

I will say it's good that you aren't letting threats of eunich-ization hinder you from having a good time. Huzzah.

June 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Nnamdi: Checking all possibilities... I WILL figure this out. And hopefully keep my left nut.

Matt: A possibility I have not explored, but is definitely plausible and worth some scrutiny.

Far: Yeah. Looks painful. I don't like pain.

Shoe: Yeah, I don't trust him either. But he's not that clever. I won't count him out just yet.

June 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Gladstone is working on acquiring another mistress, I would definitely question him further.

June 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

baNanner: He's always working on that acquisition. Any luck with this one?

June 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Mmm I think you should think about why "Smithee" changed emails. That must mean he/she knows you're looking into that angle and is afraid you'll discover something. So what is there to discover that you haven't already? I say retrace your steps from the beginning. You're missing something and you're too busy having sex to see it. Yeah, I know I'm asking the impossible here...but it's your ass--or left nut to be exact.
And the "real" part in the addy is also suspicious. Why would that person assume there's a fake Smithee running around the company? Could you have two blackmailers? Who have you told about the nut threat?

June 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Troy

omg this has been deemed "The Nut Threat". It made me giggle. Ten bucks says it's one of the girls at the office. Now which one...hmmm...I think you need to personally interrogate each and everyone of them in the haunted conference room.

June 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

I think it's Una. Just a feeling.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMike

this has to be one of your most entertaining misadventures yet!

my money is on fiona. havent heard from her in a while have you?

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZorro

Lisa: He went to personal email I think because he didn't want to threaten me over business email, since I can bring that to HR. Maybe? Yeah, whomever it is, they have the entire inside scoop about Smithee. I'll figure it out, don't you worry....

Ash: The Nut Thread. I like that.

Mike: Unaaaaaaaaaaa!

Zorro: My first thought is Fiona too. But she usually shows her hand quickly. She wants me to know exactly who's fucking with my life. So I'm not so sure...

June 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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