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« Under the Bus | Main | Smithee in the Sky with Diamonds »

My Left Nut

Last week, my imaginary boss Smithee threatened to remove my left nut by Monday if I didn't pay Tawny the Temp for sexual services rendered

I didn't pay on Monday and I still have my left nut. 

Normally, I am not very intimidated by threats; even less so when I am being threatened by an imaginary person.

At the same time, I adore my nuts. 

It's kind of like being in the Hatch on Lost and typing in the magic number every 108 minutes so that the world doesn't end. 

If there's even the slightest possibility that my precious nut might be be removed, maybe I shouldn't take this imaginary person's threat too lightly.

I decided to compromise.

I sent Smithee a coupon for one free session of sex with Chelsea the Intern. I told him it was better than getting the cash, since Chelsea the Intern charges more than Tawny the Temp. A real value deal.

I did not get a reply. Nor did I lose my nut. 

However, today, I got another email from Smithee asking for a status update on all my projects. This was odd for three reasons:

  1. It was strictly business
  2. It came from Smithee's company email account and we changed the password just last week
  3. I did not send the email to myself

I then came to the realization that while Gladstone is not the one fucking with me, he is somehow responsible without knowing it.

"Who are you sleeping with?" I asked him.

"I'm not sleeping with Fiona anymore," he said. 

"That's not what I asked. Who are you sleeping with? Who's in your User Pool?"

Gladstone hesitated, but then rattled off the list. Nobody that had a grudge against me, as far as I could tell. But I still felt like he was holding out on me. 

"That's it?" I asked.

"That's it," he confirmed.


Today I was called down to HR by Triplet, the VP of HR. She informed me that there was a performance problem.

"Says who?" I asked.

"Smithee," she said.

"You spoke to him?" 


"Face to face?"

"Well, via email," she said.

Now my imaginary boss is complaining about my performance. This is very disturbing for me. Smithee and I have always had such a good relationship. Well, it was a little rocky when Nick Zima was playing him, but that was all resolved a long time ago. 

Now I feel he's just out to get me. 

"Let's get him down here," I said. "I want to face my accuser." 

Triplet made the call. My assistant Teri answered, and no surprise, Smithee was in a meeting. 

I stood up.

"Please reschedule the meeting for a time that Smithee can attend," I said, and left Triplet's office.

I now see that this is more than just settling an unpaid debt. In fact, this has nothing to do with Tawny the Temp. This is a grudge. The performance complaint is just the first strike. It's going to get worse. Much worse. This is a grudge, all right. This is war. 

Reader Comments (12)

Your not fooling me. Your Smithee man.

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDj Skunk Diesel

Already hear the Drums of War.

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNnamdi

Well, I did try to tell you this was more serious than you thought...You have a serious leak of info and we all know who that is, so why don't you just grab him by the left nut and make him talk? This will escalate fast...

June 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Troy

You need to find out who Gladstone has told the email password to...or who has access to reset them. That should narrow down the number of suspects.

June 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

DJ: Yeah, I thought I was Smithee too.

Nnamdi: Oh, it's coming all right...

Lisa: You're right. Time to take his left nut.

Matt: Agreed. I'm convinced Gladstone is the key to it all.

June 19, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

LOL I just love your life...It's like watching a XXX version of The Bold and The Beautiful. Please get your own sitcom soon. Oooh and can I be the commentator? You know, your very own xoxo girl?

June 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Troy

I don't know Jason...this is going way out of whack (even for you). No one FUCKS with Jason X! Without you knowing, that is.

Meanwhile, I'll keep the popcorn fresh and watch the drama un-fold. Butter?

June 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Lisa: I'm always in need of a good xoxo girl, sitcom or not. You've got the job...

Tech Babe: Let me butter that for you.

June 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I'll hold you to it! And to start our professional relationship on a good footing, I'll even do it without a quid pro quo clause. :p You're slowly but steadily corrupting me...

June 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Troy

...Glad...stone. *cracks knuckles*

June 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Lisa: That's what I do...

Shoe: You're so right. I'll prove it sooner or later...

June 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Kessler is completely fucking with you. No one else from IT would be this creative.

September 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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