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« Tree Sex in Miami | Main | My Left Nut »

Under the Bus

Fucking over your imaginary boss is not as difficult as it sounds.

I'm sure Smithee thought he was in a good position to fuck me over because he does not exist. However, there were a few factors he might not have considered.

While Smithee cannot say I am one place if I am actually someplace else, I can always say Smithee is anywhere because he is always nowhere.

And while Smithee cannot say I am doing one thing if I am actually doing something else, I can always say Smithee is doing anything because he is always doing nothing.

On Friday, Smithee accused me of having sex in the Comm closet with with Minoo the HR Coordinator at noon. I was actually having sex in my office with Lucia at noon; my assistant confirmed that I was in a meeting at that time.

Smithee also accused me of flirting with Maricruz at 3:00pm when I was supposed to be in a Marketing meeting. I was actually flirting with Lucretia at 3:00pm when I was supposed to be in a Home Furnishings meeting.

I told Teri to create a second fake schedule for me. I was almost positive Smithee's only sources of intel were Tawny the Temp and Gladstone. So I told Gladstone about the Comm closet and flirting with Maricruz; and Tawny got a look at my schedule. 

And they proved my theory.

Now it was my turn. 

As I mentioned, since Smithee is imaginary, I could have said anything. But I didn't want it coming from me. So I decided to unleash pure relentless fury on Smithee; a force so fierce and evil, once set in motion, it becomes impossible to stop. 

I told Blair that Smithee thought she was fat.

Okay, it didn't come out that blunt. I let the cat out of the bag in a much more subtle way. Had her drag it out of me; made it something I pretended I didn't want to tell her. Something that slipped.

I changed Smithee's email password again, but told nobody this time. On Friday, he sent Blair a couple of flirty emails; I know just what Smithee needs to say to get her all hot and bothered. Then I dropped the fat bomb. 

By the end of the day, Triplet wanted to see Smithee in her office. And not because I complained about anything; Blair submitted the complaint--for sexual harassment. 

Nobody seems to be able to reach Smithee. 

I don't want Smithee fired. He's been a great boss up until now. But I do want the evil spirit that has possessed his imaginary body to be exorcised from him. This will hopefully do it. 

I'm in Miami this week. But I'm going to pull a Jack Bauer on Gladstone's ass when I get back. He will give me answers. One way or another.

Reader Comments (13)

Don't ream him too badly, that's my job.

June 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

What a great way to get back at Smithee. Kudos, Mr. X, kudos.... you are my hero .. (no I'm not that drunk... well, maybe just a little.... yeah, just a little).

June 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

I disagree daNanner, ream Gladstone as if enjoyed sex with half dead slave labour children. He may do the same job as you and me, but hes doing it badly.

June 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNik

Fun four all.

June 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGstarene

Well, if you go with Nik's suggestion, I get to watch.

June 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

*Sits back with arms folded in a knowing look* Mmmhmm.

June 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

daNanner: I'll ream him; I think your "job" is a little different.

Far: We like you drunk. And sober. But drunk too.

Nik: Don't worry, he's gettin good when I get back. I always wanted to torture someone.

Gstarene: That's four sure.

Shoe: I know, I know...

June 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I stay away from buses. No. I take that back. I take the driver's seat...ALWAYS! And that's what you need to do. Someone once said, "if you're not on the bus, you're under it." (I'm the bus...ENJOY THE RIDE!)

June 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Smithee's getting a sexorcism? and TechBabe wants you to do her on a bus? I need more coffee...

June 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim

"So I decided to unleash pure relentless fury on Smithee"=> the moment I read this, I LMAO (no spewing though) I knew! BLAIR!! I just love her. I was certain she'd come through. She's like the Terminatrix in Terminator 3.
Excellent move btw, Mr. X. I salute you.

June 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Troy


It's not Gladstone. It's your server, also known as Hal3000.

June 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

Now that I've re-read this while sober (I think), I await your Jack Bauering of Gladstone's ass.... Give it to him good Mr. X...

June 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Tech Babe: Dirty girl #1

Kim: Dirty girl #2

Lisa: If used correctly, Blair can be more effective than a Decepticon when it comes to annihilation.

msfitznham: Hal3000 will be more difficult to torture.

Far: I will. Oh I will...

June 30, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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