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« 24 (-16) | Main | Under the Bus »
Tuesday
Jun302009

Tree Sex in Miami

While Blair is keeping Smithee at bay until Gladstone's return from his boondoggle in New Orleans, I'll tell you a quick story about my trip to Miami.

First day, I fell out of a tree trying to fuck a local Cuban girl I met at a bar.

Her name was Dominga. After a couple of tequila shots at the bar, we started talking about the differences between Miami and LA.

I brought up the fact that people in Miami for some reason don't indulge in the popular LA practice of tree sex. This immediately caught her attention and she actually believed this was a common activity among Angelenos.

"Why?" she asked. "Why would you have sex in a tree?"

"Have you ever done it?" I asked.

She had to think about it for a minute. "No."

I told her there was almost nothing better than fucking in a tree. And of course, it's not something that can be explained; it's something that must be experienced.

I told her:

  • It was one of the Kama Sutra positions.
  • It's what started the sexual revolution in the 60's.
  • It's how Demi snagged Ashton.

A couple more shots, some fondling at the bar, and Dominga was ready to climb a tree.

We found a tree on the other side of the parking lot, which was not very well lit. It was a good tree for climbing; a good tree for sex.

While Dominga seemed good at climbing trees, she was not very good at staying in a tree.

Maybe it was the tequila.

We started making out on a nice sturdy limb, then I snaked my hand up her skirt and just when the real wood was about to come out, she decided to steady herself on a limb that wasn't there.

She fell forward, I tried to catch her, but she swung to my back and I slid down the side of the trunk of the tree scraping my side to shreds; then I fell to the ground with Dominga on top.

Luckily, it was my ass that broke the fall, not my wood. Dominga jumped clear before I hit, otherwise she would have broken my fall.

Dominga laughed at first, then she got up and steadied herself. She looked relatively unscathed, though shaken up. Definitely, shaken up.

Which is probably why Dominga then puked on the tree.

I looked up at her and smiled.

"Well," I said. "I guess this is why people in Miami do not have sex in trees."

Reader Comments (9)

Tree virgin...amateurs! =)

June 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Knotty!

June 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPeg

Hahahahahaha

July 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Note to self: Do not walk underneath trees while in Miami.

July 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

Damn Tequila

July 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSkunk Diesel

It's a good thing you can scroll through these posts with one hand. Very cool, actually. Keeps my cold damp basement warm and smeilling like salt water, though. On a scale of 1 - 5, 5 being the best, I'll score it at 300. Good use of periods and commas, too.

Best,
@AndyCrash at Twitter

July 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCrash Kelly

your ass is big

July 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjudah

woha post, info, topic mate
Nubiles.net Priscilia - Long black haired priscilia displays her tight ass on the chair

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September 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommentereredBlispelry

Nice site. Can't say anything bad about a site full of sex.

September 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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