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HR called me in for questioning today regarding the missing toilet paper in the men's bathroom on the executive floor on 34. And while I promised I had nothing to do with it, the fact of the matter is, I had everything to do with it. 

I don't have anything against the executives on the 34th floor. This was simply a task that Gladstone had to complete today. This was strictly business.

It was also Kessler's idea, so while technically I had everything to do with it, conceptually, I had very little to do with it. 

Triplet the VP of HR let me leave after 15 minutes of interrogation once she thought she had uncovered a new, promising lead. I told her that I caught sight of Fernandez walking down the hallway carrying a plastic bag filled with something fluffy.

Gladstone was told to stash the toilet paper in Fernandez' office, behind the couch. 

When I left Triplet's office, I saw a cute, young blond girl leaving  Maxine the Recruiter's office. The girl was wearing a professional, but tight blue dress that hugged her body like a surgeon's glove. Well, maybe not that tight, but that's how I imagine it now. 

As I passed by Maxine, I whispered, "Hire her!" then quickly caught up to the girl as she was leaving the HR lobby. I held the door for her and she thanked me.

"They're going to hire you," I said.

"Really?" she said, surprised. "How do you know?"

"I just told Maxine to hire you when I passed by her. My opinion in this place goes a long way. So when you do get hired and start, make sure you stop by and thank me."

She looked at me only half believing. I get that a lot from women for some reason.

She asked me what I did that was so influential in the company. Now at this point, if you say Technology, the person knows you're lying because everyone is acutely aware that an IT professional has no power in any company, no matter what level you are. 

"I'm Director of Finance," I said.

While Finance has no power in any company either, they act like they have all power in every company and therefore everyone believes that they have all power, including the CEO. 

"What's your name?" I asked.


"I'm Jason. Look me up after you start."

I walked away with a happy little song in my heart. Someone at this company was sourcing high-quality talent; that's one thing this company has done consistently well. And hopefully they will hire the talent in question so that I can get my hands on her while she's still young and impressionable. 

Reader Comments (11)

Hey wait... my daughter just went on a job interview. You don't think...?! Nah, couldn't be...

July 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdannybelize

Really? "I walked away with a happy little song in my heart"?? Whatever happened to things like "I wanted to tear that shit up"?

July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLynx

Dannybelize: Lock her up man. If it's not me, it's someone else. Men are dogs. Of course, you know that...

Lynx: Satire, baby. Of course I want to tear that shit up. And I will. You think I've ever heard a happy little song in my heart? Find my heart first, if you can.

July 23, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

I start my new job next week. I hope my job is as fun as your job. (Most likely not.)

"I walked away with a happy little song in my heart." I can't stop laughing at that.

July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterp-huong

I'm betting she's one of Chelsea's friends.

July 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

P-huong: I can help you bring fun to the new job. Just follow my lead. Just make sure you wear protective goggles.

daNanner: If only...

July 23, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

She looks thick.

July 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Tech Babe: (You're right, but that's not really her....)

July 24, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Just read the blog from the beginning, can't wait to find out what happens next!

July 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSwirleydude

Tech Babe: (You're right, but that's not really her....) -July 24, 2009 | Jason X

Who is the chick in the picture?

August 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNinez

Just a blond chick. A representation of Kelsey. I could find a better representation, but I just slapped that up there quickly. If I really wanted to represent her correctly, I'd show a pic of a perfect ass. Her ass is a fucking sculpture.

August 4, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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