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« John Yaya | Main | Kelsey »
Tuesday
Jul282009

Team Building

Fessler, our CIO, has decided that the IT department needs more team spirit. He does not believe team building is an essential component of any successful organization, but he does believe HR believes this. He also believes that the only way to get HR off his back is to do what they say.

Since HR contributes no value to the organization, they feel every department should also contribute nothing at least once in a while.

The best way to get each department to contribute nothing once in a while is to force them to do activities HR pretends are important but in reality add no value. Like team building.

And although Fessler hates his own direct reports and spends as little time as possible with them, he is forcing the rest of us to spend more time with the people we hate so that everyone will somehow enjoy their time at work even more and therefore become more productive.

Mulhausen has assigned me to be a member of the official company IT Team Spirit Committee.

Rah rah. 

I have no team spirit.

The closest I've ever come to team spirit was the time I tried to get Blair and Maricruz to double-team me.

Others on the committee are Adler from the PMO, Maggie the Drunk, Fiona the Cunt, Dinton, and chaired, of course, by Tefft.

Adler has the personality of a door knob. He was not chosen for his motivational skills, but most likely because he runs the PMO and therefore has nothing better to do.

Maggie the Drunk was probably chosen because she obviously knows how to have fun at work.  

Fiona the Cunt was picked by Mulhausen because he knows I hate her, and like an evil science experiment, wants to see something catastrophic happen. 

While Dinton is a real person, he is seen even less than my imaginary boss Smithee. I'm sure he'll contribute quite a bit to this effort.

And good old Tefft. I'm sure she'll come up with some very creative team building ideas that will completely polarize the participants.   

We met today for the first time.

I was immediately opposed to doing anything that involved velcro. However, I did offer up ideas on using Jello and whipped cream. Nobody seemed interested; not surprising with this group.

Tefft's recommendation was a series of competitions that we could do in and around the building. For example, "Blind Driving". Yes, this is exactly what first comes to mind.... So basically, you have a car race from point A to point B in close proximity to the office building. There are four people on each team. The driver is blindfolded and the other team members in the car must provide verbal instructions to guide the driver to the finish line.

Nothing brings a team closer than good mulit-car collision. 

She also recommended "Group Mandela" where people are imprisoned somewhere in the building and have to learn to get along for an extended period in closed quarters with very little food and a man-made toilet.

My recommendations on additional competitions:  

  • Panty raid
  • Paint ball with acid
  • Alternatively, paint ball on acid
  • Divide into teams and make group pornography (I get to pick the teams)
  • Toilet paper the competing film studio's water tower
  • Commit group suicide with poison Kool-Aid

The only person who liked my ideas was Fiona the Cunt. This is because her goal for this committee was the same as my goal for this committee: to get kicked off this committee. 

I have to say, it was weird being aligned with Fiona the Cunt for the first time.

Very, very weird....

Reader Comments (11)

Nice Twitter Widget.

July 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDj Skunk Diesel

Team building via Fight Club comes to mind. That way everyone wins: the "loser" wins for participating in team building while the "winner" wins for beating the crap out of someone he/she always wanted to.

July 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

They do say that politics makes strange bedfellows... Who knows how far this new fellow-feeling could take you?

July 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

"paint ball on acid" = FUCKING BRILLIANT!

July 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFlower

You forgot to mention a Rattlesnake Round Up (Although that could be saved for Project User Pool Mayhem ;)

July 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSwirleydude

Pfft. There's gotta be some way you can turn this around to your own personal advantage. Doubles sack race anyone?

July 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnona

Count me in to assist in the orchestration to execute your future team building competition recommendations.

July 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

DJSkunk: Ain't it?

Far: Anything "Fight Club" is a good idea.

msfitznham: Don't even think about that... Ewwww. Yeech. Impossible. Never going to happen.... She does have nice tits...

Flower: I wonder if Paintball on X would work. Too many group hugs.

Swirleydude: I like the sound of it. Has a nice rattle to it.

Anona: You're right, there always is a way... Haha, double sack sounds good.

Tech Babe: You're counted in. Hopefully I'll be team building with you later.

July 29, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

I see a roll in the hay (or in a tree) with Fiona the Cunt in your future.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

How about cooking? It could also be a good idea for team building to break the traditional ways of Team Building. Creative Cooking for Team Members could also be good as long as you have a very good facilitator.

All the best!

July 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGuest Speaker

Uh... Okay.

August 1, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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