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« FML | Main | The Energy Project »
Friday
Aug212009

Perception is Everything

Blair does not appear to like Kelsey, the new Licensing Apparel Coordinator, solely because she has a smoking hot body. 

On the other hand, most men at the company appear to like Kelsey emphatically, solely because she has a smoking hot body. 

Blair does not appear to trust me solely because she trusts me. If she trusted me and appeared as though she trusted me, she could no longer trust me because I would know that she trusted me. 

Yes, it's twisted and fucked up, but that's the way her mind works.

So Blair always appears to not trust me so that I will always try to prove that I am trustworthy. 

I told Blair not to worry about this new girl because she already had a thing for Kornfeld, Blair's boss, the Director of Finance. Blair confirmed this with her spies, who said Kelsey was already talking about the Director of Finance.

Although this was kind of odd on the surface because Kornfeld is average looking at best, it was no surprise since he is the Director of Finance. Everyone knows the Director of Finance wields a lot of power in this organization, and women gravitate toward power. 

What Blair doesn't know is that Kelsey believes I am the Director of Finance. Kelsey believes this because I told her that I was the Director of Finance on the day she interviewed for the job. I told her this so that it would appear that I had the power to actually get her hired. And I did this so that she would be in debt to me if she did get hired. Once you have a woman in debt to you like that, your chances of fucking her are that much greater. 

Once Kelsey started, she did try to stop by my office to thank me. However, she assumed I was Kornfeld, since he's the Director of Finance. But since Directors spend most of their days in back-to-back meetings, she did not find Kornfeld in his office.

Luckily, I found her first.  

Kelsey appears to be too young to be in a serious relationship. So I figured this would be easy. After all, time is of the essence; it won't take long before she finds out I'm really not who I say I am.

The ring finger should be the first thing I check on a woman. For some reason, it's the last. Maybe because there are so many other areas of the female body I'm more concerned with; or maybe it's because a ring just doesn't change anything for me. Probably the latter... 

I mentioned drinks and she showed me the rock on her finger. 

"I'm engaged," she said.

"It's just a drink," I said. "Not a big deal."

It's never "just a drink." And everyone knows that. So those who still refuse after that statement will either take more work or will eventually become a lost cause.

But those who agree... Know exactly where it's headed and are down with it--if not overtly, deep down inside. 

After a moment of hesitation, she asked, "What time and where?"

That's the beauty of a woman who decides to get married too young. She's not ready, she knows it in the back of her head, and it just takes a little nudge from someone like me to help her better understand that fact. I don't necessarily change the outcome, but I help her explore her doubts. 

I'm such a giver.

Reader Comments (14)

Corrupting an engaged woman? You're such a sinner.... Wait I do the same thing.

In the words of Tucker Max. "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell"

August 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSkunk

I was kind of hoping for Vodka and Tequila.

August 21, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Bonus points if she's Mormon.

August 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

That's the way *her* mind works? Then Blair is a cad.

August 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpeg

Tech Babe: I doubt it. She's meeting me for drinks. If she were Mormon, she'd only meet me for arts and crafts.

Peg: Never heard her called that before, but most likely applicable. Essentially, she's psychotic. And if only she wasn't so goddamn fantastic in bed, I might have an issue with it...

August 22, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Nice article. Much that you have written is true. Not too many things in the world are more fun than testing the waters.

Especially, trespassing to fish someone's else's pond. Without a license.

August 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergstarene

Where the fuck were you when I was getting married too young? More importantly why don't more men make this charitable contribution to the prevention of divorce?

August 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBubbles von BonBon

gstarene: For the man I see two sides: getting fucked or fucking. I prefer fucking.

Bubbles von Bon Bon: Trust me, I'm trying to spread the word. Along with as many women who need it as I can.

August 22, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

mmm...vodka and tequila....Patron anyone?

August 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

I actually think you're doing her a favor, and almost playing the role of a marriage counselor. It appears that there's obvious doubt in her mind to getting married, and you're helping them bring them to the open and address them. It'll really be better in the long run.

August 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNickTheFnIcon

Matt: Don Julio.

Nick: You and I think alike. Ultimately, I bring couples closer together. Or, if it's not meant to be, I drive them apart for their own good. I'm such a saint.

August 27, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Your're a fuckin' liar, but I like your story!

September 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJune YAsol

Yasol: True, I'm a fucking liar. That's how I get away with the shit I do and the women I fuck.

September 18, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

I was wondering why you told Kelsey you were the Director of Finance. Nice decoy.

September 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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