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« The Energy Project | Main | John Yaya »
Tuesday
Aug042009

Kessler Got Penguined

The only way for anyone to speak to Skeffington, the CEO of our company, is to speak to his assistant Charmaine. However, Charmaine got tired of dealing with everyone who wants to speak to Skeffington, so she hired her own assistant. Now, the only way to speak to Charmaine is to speak to her assistant Beth. However, Beth has been instructed to never allow anyone to speak to Charmaine. 

The only two people who speak to Charmaine directly are Skeffington and Kessler.

Charmaine speaks to Kessler because Kessler is the only person who can help her resolve computer issues for Skeffington. Although Skeffington never really has computer issues because Skeffington never does anything on the computer. It's really Charmaine who does all Skeffington's computer work, so Kessler is really resolving computer issues for Charmaine.

Apparently, Charmaine has developed a fondness for Kessler.

Kessler knows this because the last time Kessler went up to Charmaine's office on the executive floor to help her with a computer issue, Charmaine pulled down his pants and started sucking his dick. 

No one was more surprised than Kessler; likewise, no one was more angered than Kessler when Skeffington interrupted with a phone call and demanded Charmaine run into his office immediately--leaving Kessler waddling after her with his pants around his ankles. 

Just like a penguin. 

How dare that motherfucker interrupt a blowjob.

For the last week or so Kessler has been obsessed with revenge. He wanted Skeffington to feel just as exposed and vulnerable as he was left, standing in Charmaine's office with his pants around his ankles.

Penguined.

I said, "Like when you take a shit and realize you're out of toilet paper and have to waddle around your place looking for it?"

I laughed. But Kessler was inspired by the joke. His eyes lit up and he produced an evil grin.

So today, when Skeffington walked into the executive wash room to take a shit, he found no toilet seat covers in the first stall. There's no way an executive is going to take a shit without a toilet seat cover; executives are all about covering their asses. 

So Skeffington went to the only other stall, used a toilet seat cover and took a shit. Once he was finished, he reached for the roll of toilet paper, which had been rigged by Kessler, so that when he tugged, the whole roll fell to the floor. 

Unfortunately, there was a little pool of water directly below--also rigged by Kessler. So the roll of toilet paper was suddenly soggy and unusable. 

Skeffinton just got penguined. 

He most likely waddled back to the other stall where he found the toilet paper roll empty. 

Since Skeffington keeps his cell phone in his suit jacket and since he never wears his suit jacket to take a shit, he couldn't call Charmaine. 

He most likely then waddled around the corner to get some paper towels, but alas, there were none. 

He then had to waddle over to the door, open it up, and call for help. 

Since Charmaine had told Kessler when Skeffington takes his daily shit, Kessler and I just happened to be on the floor at the time he started yelling out the bathroom door.

Kessler got his revenge.

And he'll do the same thing again next week. And then again the next week.

Don't piss off Kessler, even if you don't know you're doing it. And don't ever interrupt him while he's getting a blowjob at work. Some things are just unforgivable. 

Reader Comments (10)

I agree. Interrupting a blowjob is unforgiveable!

August 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

He needs to put glue on the toilet seat covers. Something semi permanent.

August 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjasoninhell

Shit and I thought my office pranks were bad - nailing a fortune 100 CEO like this is just plain awesome

August 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Hoss

Pretty effin sneaky. I'll be sure not to piss Kessler off. I wonder what the twitter equivalent of getting penguined is?

August 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSkunk

The scary part is that Skeffington is actually regular....

August 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdananner

Matt: Word.

Jasoninhell: Nice one. I'll let him know.

The Hoss: Kessler has a way with execs.

Skunk: Yeah, I like Kessler being on my side. Not sure about Twitter, but I'm sure we can come up with something.

DaNanner: Psyllium Husk.

August 7, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

LMAO! Love it!

August 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMs_Hayward

HAHAHAHAHAHA Good one. While we're at it he can saran wrap the toilet seats.

September 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

I just found this, and am laughing so hard that I'm crying. Thank you.

November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRhiannon

Rhiannon: You're welcome. I'll pass your thanks onto Kessler.

November 9, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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