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« The Double Team | Main | Blameless Again »
Tuesday
Sep292009

Tough Economy

The Company has decided to discontinue CPR training. The thought is that if someone keels over on the job, it should be considered a part of natural attrition. 

When someone is leaving the company for a higher paying job, the Company does not counter offer in order to keep the person. Likewise, if someone is trying to die, the Company feels we should not stand in their way. 

Why train people to do something that the Company does not support? Like saving lives. 

In addition, the Company will save money on the cost of CPR training and eliminate the loss of productivity that is incurred while people are training to save something that has become such little value to the organization. 

The best way to cut costs is to cut the labor cost. 

The Company does not like layoffs. This always results in poor publicity. Natural attrition is always the best policy and as such, the Company will step up its efforts to make this the unhappiest place to work in town. Or even on Earth, for that matter.

As a result of this initiative, the Company will discontinue or at least limit the following perks at work in order to motivate people to quit:

Free snacks - They have replaced the snack drawer in the kitchen with a vending machine that only offers pickled snacks, such as pickled pig knuckles and pickled garlic. 

Free water - No water is to be used for consumption, tap or otherwise.

Air Conditioning - Will be turned off during peak times because that's when it costs the company the most and makes the employees the happiest.

Healthcare Benefits - In order to support Obama's government sponsored universal healthcare proposal, the Company is discontinuing business sponsored healthcare coverage; this will cut company costs, make employees unhappy, and bump up the number of people without healthcare coverage, further supporting the cause.

The Parking Garage - The Company will now charge $50 dollars a month for parking. If you choose not to use the parking facility, you will have to park off the lot and down the street a half mile away. Either way, employees will be reminded to be pissed off every day both when they arrive at work and leave. 

Recognition and rewards - There will be no more recognition for a job well done. The Company feels socialism is the wave of the future and as such, we must all be treated the same. There never have been rewards, and now, there never will be.

On-site Gym - will be closed for renovation. Working out promotes health, and health does not promote death. Once again, the Company wants to encourage natural attrition. Incidentally, there will be no renovation since the Company simply does not have the budget.

I can see I need to step in and do something about this. Not because I care about these perks. The perks I get from work come from the women I work with on a daily basis. And if this becomes the unhappiest place to work on Earth, the women will go away and they will take their little perks with them.

Tough economy or not, the Company is going to have to find another way to cut costs.   

Reader Comments (4)

I'm pretty sure the fire extinguishers go next.

September 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

You should find out who came up with these great ideas and seek revenge.

October 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

M: I'm sure it's already been added to the suggestion box.

Matt: Mostly HR. I'm always seeking revenge on HR. My life-long quest (and entertainment)...

October 1, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

To support the tough economy, they lowered the prices for a can of soda in the vending machines from .75c to .25c. That lasted about 2 weeks, after EVERYONE brought in a roll of quarters to stock up at their desks and take some soda cans home to their kids. Prices were raised to $1.00. #fucktards

October 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

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