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« Res-Erection | Main | How to Plan Your own Death »
Monday
Jan112010

Speaking from the Grave

There are definitely advantages and disadvantages to being dead. 

Pros

  1. You do less. People expect much less of you at work when you're no longer alive. Assignments go to other people, emails and calls go to other people, and you don't have to attend meetings that accomplish nothing.
  2. You're praised more. With mournful respect, people give you undue praise for things other people accomplished. You get credit for more.
  3. Juggling women is much less stressful. Time management is a breeze.
  4. Nobody talks to you. They all have to go through God first. Someone wants to get a message to you, they have to pray. And the beauty of this is, God is not very good at taking messages so you never have to answer back.

Cons 

  1. You don't get laid. It's very difficult to fuck a dead person. Not that I've ever tried, but flirting and seduction doesn't get you anywhere. And praying to God usually doesn't get you laid, especially if you're trying to fuck someone 6 feet under.
  2. No sympathy sex because you're dead. Because, well, you're dead. So at least not for you. The women you used to fuck are probably getting sympathy sex all over the place for their "loss". 
  3. You can't be sarcastic in meetings. Mainly because you're no longer invited to the meetings. Which is a pro. But it also means you can't be an ass and ruin someone's day. So sad.
  4. You can't expense lunches. Finance will never approve an expense report from a dead guy.

My Users have sent numerous emails to Smithee trying to get more information.

Lucia is saddened that she'll won't be sodomized by me anymore. She'll probably get more religious.

Kelsey won't get laid but will still be accused of fucking around by her fiancé because I died, not Kornfeld.

Fiona the Cunt probably wishes she still hated me so that she could celebrate, but instead she has to mourn the guy who might be responsible for her slutty sister's death.

Maricruz still thinks she's insane, so I don't think she's noticed.

Blair doesn't believe I'm dead. Mainly because she's suspicious of everything connected to me. I don't think she'll believe it unless she sees my cold dead body on a slab at the morgue. She's tried asking Kessler and Gladstone, but they just respond with: I can't talk about it yet...

Other Users are deeply saddened. They were expecting orgasms this week.

Mulhausen is apparently just giddy with glee. He can't even pretend to be sad that I'm dead.

Fernandez is probably just as giddy, but this is his opportunity to look like a saint by praising me and by making politically correct statements like: He wasn't only a great employee, but a dear friend...

Well, the company is a-buzz with excitement and the new year has come alive. I accomplished my goal. Another day or two and I'll rise like Christ and everyone who praised me will be fucked because now I'll have leverage to get promoted.

Death has been kind to me. 

Reader Comments (7)

I think it's time for you to resurrect. Before something bad happens. You have a history of plans gone wrong...

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBedtimeStory

BedtimeStory: Yeah, but it's a new year. I'm only dead, coming back to life. What could go wrong?

January 12, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

I soooo miss you and think you should come back, this joke has gone on long enough . . .

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSoSad

I can't hold my tongue here. Around you, a grave is hot. Don't submit to re-erectile anxiety just yet.

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCap'm

SoSad: Coming back on Friday. Yeah, I'm tired of being dead.

Cap'm: No anxiety here. When I resurrect, everything resurrects. Dick included.

January 14, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

I'm so confused when I only visit periodically. Of course I was looking for sex and find this.

I heard of two real deaths this week. People my age. People I know. Looking forward to the resurrection and Tech Babe kicking your butt!

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDevilbluedress

I've got the perfect shoes for a nice ass kicking. (He'll make me keep them on, I'm sure)

January 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

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