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« Therapy for the Dead | Main | Res-Erection »
Tuesday
Jan262010

Jason Y

After being dead for only a week, the Company has already replaced me with another Jason. My death was only a vicious rumor started by my boss, who actually doesn't even exist. So how true could it really be?

But even though Smithee doesn't really exist, he has apparently earned a great deal of credibility within this company. According to subordinates and peers, there is nobody more honest and sincere than the man I made up. 

Only Payroll knew it was a false rumor because I told them so. Finance, on the other hand, considered it fact since they found out through Human Resources, a department which is infallible, much like the Bible. HR has wanted me dead for quite some time now, so when they heard the rumor they immediately substantiated it and asked Finance to free up the headcount. 

Mulhausen immediately replaced me with his nephew, another technology manager named Jason, who he felt could do the job more than adequately. Fernandez had no part in the hire, so he was pissed off because the position has a dual reporting relationship to both Mulhausen and Fernandez through Smithee. 

Although neither Mulhausen nor Fernandez were happy to see me alive, Fernandez was happy that Mulhausen had fucked up.

Besides Payroll, Blair was the only other one who didn't think I was really dead. She thought maybe I had entered the FBI witness protection program because I had been involved in something really shady and had to rat out all my shady business partners--but not death. No, not until she saw my cold dead body would she believe I was actually dead. 

Either way, I thought she'd at least be happy to see me. But she too was disappointed. Apparently she had taken a liking to the new Jason, like everyone else. 

"Did you see the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks?" she asked. "At some point you have to give up hope and move on with your life."

"He was on the island for five years," I said. "I was 'dead' for a week."

"You know I don't have a long attention span," she said. "At least we have our memories."

So Jason X has been replaced by Jason Y across the board. Maybe I should stop playing jokes on people. As fun as they are, I really fuck myself up with them...

Mulhausen and Fernandez called in both Finance and HR to help resolve the double Jason issue.

"Well," Triplet, the VP of HR, began slowly, obviously with no real plan in her head. "You were dead, so we replaced you."

"I was never dead," I said. "So you'll just have to unreplace me."

Mulhausen chimed in: "Jason is very likeable."

"Thank you," I said.

"The other Jason," Mulhausen clarified.

"Well," I said. "I like myself. A lot. That makes me likeable too. You screwed up, so fix it."

Fernandez jumped in: "We'll just get rid of Jason. Fair's fair."

Mulhausen: "Agreed."

Fernandez: "No, the other Jason. Not this Jason."

Muhausen: "Oh, then not agreed."

Fernandez and Mulhausen argued back and forth for a few minutes until Kornfeld, the Director of Finance, interrupted:

"I have a solution," he said. "Keep them both. I'll just mortgage a headcount from next year."

I looked at Kornfeld sideways, as did everyone else.

Kornfeld continued: "I can't increase headcount for this year, so I'll mortgage a head from the increase in headcount we're going to get next year. We don't own it yet; we just borrow it until we do."

"What if they cut headcount next year?" I asked.

"Then we'll move to plan B."

"Which is?"

"TBD." 

Now I share an office with Jason Y. And I'm finding that he is actually very likable, which is another reason I hate him.

I started the new year off with a bang, all right...

Reader Comments (11)

I think you just need a good old Agony Booth...

January 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFar

I don't like likable people either. They must be hiding something.

January 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMe

Fuck sharing an office! (Unless of course Jason Y knows what a sock on the door means.)

January 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Sounds like you need to get Jason Y fired or force him to quit.

January 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Far: What the what?

Me: The good thing is, I can uncover what he's hiding and exploit it. As long as he doesn't do the same to me first. After all, we are the same person.

Tech Babe: I will educate him. In the office though, it's a power cord.

Matt: I'll do something. Not only is he invading my space, he's splashing around in my pool...

January 28, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

In the mirror universe, the Agony Booth was a device used to discipline and punish misbehaving officers. In your case, Jason Y.

Traditional forms of punishment can overwhelm the nervous system, after a time the brain ceases to feel anything. However, the agony booth possesses sensors that continually shift the stimulation from one nerve cluster to another, keeping the subject in a constant state of agony.

Sound good to you...? ;)

January 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Me thinks a Frame Job is in order. Sully up that 'Likable' reputation of his.

January 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNnamdi

Companies need to insall suicide booths in their offices, you know, for rainy days

January 30, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@Alexdmcnally

Far: Where do I sign up? You can change your name to Fear Wyde now...

Nnamdi: Oh I'll sully. I will sully. Or our names aren't Jason.

Alexdmcnally: Windows work well too. Well, when you're on a floor higher than 5 or so...

January 30, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

Have you considered the fight club scenario with you and Jason Y?

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNik

Nik: Well, I already went through that with Smithee as Tyler Durden and since Jason Y actually exists, I think I'm going to have to deal with him in a different way. Still working on a strategy. But good suggestion. Always looking for assistance with my evil plotting.

February 1, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

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