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« Speaking from the Grave | Main | Holiday Party 09 »
Wednesday
Jan062010

How to Plan Your own Death

The first week back from the holidays is always pretty boring in the office. People are just coming back from vacation and nobody feels like working. A lot you'd like to get done, but little motivation. Like trying to jack off to People Magazine. It's just been boring as hell around here.

So I decided to kill myself. 

No, I'm not returning to my suicidal tendencies of the past (thank God for Megan, the Suicide Hotline Volunteer; she sucked all those suicidal thoughts right out of my body).

I figure killing myself will brighten my day considerably, and for others as well. My death is just what everyone needs to pump some life back into this place.

And how hard could it be? So this afternoon I laid out a plan.

Step 1: Leak the news of my death.

Have Smithee, my imaginary boss, send a message to Tawny the Temp. She has the biggest mouth in the company. And now that I think about it, a very deep throat too. The message will read as follows:

"Please send a dozen roses to Mrs. Jason X and let her know we're sorry for her loss. He was a good man, blah blah blah. Real caring and empathetic. A death in the family is never easy, etc. etc. And keep this to yourself. Not public knowledge yet."

Tawny the Temp will infer that I have died and will spread the news like herpes at a Lady Gaga house party.

Step 2: Set up Outlook Out of Office message

This will read:

"Jason X is unfortunately unavailable. Very unfortunately. Please forward all requests to Smithee. Thank you. And our condolences." 

Step 3: Set up Voicemail

In my best Smithee voice:

"Jason is out of the office. (Sniff sniff). He won't be checking messages."

Step 4: Set up command center in conference room 3402

I'll come into work in disguise. Dark sunglasses or something. I'll take the freight elevator up to the 34th floor, work from conference room 3402. Since it's rumored to be haunted, nobody will schedule meetings in that room. And if anyone happens to see me in there, it'll make sense because they'll assume I'm a ghost. 

I have to be at work for this. I can't miss out on all the fun. I'll let Kessler and Gladstone in on it. Conklin can mourn or celebrate like the rest. I have no idea how Blair will react. Strangely. 

Pretty simple, really. Step 1. begins tomorrow morning. Hopefully I've covered all bases. If I haven't, feel free to make suggestions. 

I think I'm going to like my own death. 

Reader Comments (9)

you better tell Payroll your okay, have them deliver your check to Room 3402 unless you have direct deposit!

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDaniel

So sorry to hear of your loss, and a little jealous of the fun (and the potluck they'll no doubt hold in your honor).

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDevious

good luck on this man!!!

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterhyperkind

You've forgotten to plan the best part...when they find out that you're alive. Do it right and you could give Teft that heart attack she should have had thirty years ago.

January 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGamerDarling

I was planning on faking my own enthusiasm, but your way sounds easier.

January 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJon

Daniel: Hopefully payroll won't cut me off based on a rumor. But they are idiots. So maybe I'd better follow up on that.

Devious: Mourning or celebration? We shall see...

Hyperkind: Thanks. Things like this usually blow up in my face, but I have a good feeling about my death.

GamerDarling: Oh yes, half the fun will definitely be my resurrection. Followed by an erection with those women who are actually happy to see me alive.

Jon: I'm with you there. Faking enthusiasm at work is much harder than faking your own death. At least so far...

January 7, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

Funnier than hell...I think I need to do this. We're so f'n busy at work...I could use the break. But on the other hand, they really would killl me if I died...so probably not a good idea after all. :(

And WTF did I just say, anyway? Hahahaha

January 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGoddess Aphrodite

I'm mourning your fake death by wearing a black ribbon...

January 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Goddess Aphrodite: I'm only going to do it short term. I'm going to resurrect like Jesus. Or a zombie.

Far: Texas must be happy.

January 10, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

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