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« 3 Last Plagues for HR | Main | Dysfunctional Relationship Management »
Sunday
Nov142010

7 Plagues for Human Resources

Last week was the last straw for Human Resources. First they made me take down the "666" office number I had put up, and now they won't approve me putting "Antichrist" on my business cards. How ridiculous. 

Other run-ins with HR, just to cite a few more examples: 

So I decided last week to take action and punish HR with 7 plagues. 

1. The Fuck Virus: I had my programmer Maharajapuram create an Outlook virus that converts "Thank" to "Fuck" and "Thanks" to "Fuck you" with the auto correct function. Then Gladstone had one of his desktop support analysts install it on specific HR computers.  

There were some good emails that slipped out from HR on Tuesday.  

  • I'd like to fuck the person responsible for...
  • Fuck you very much...
  • We just want to fuck all the employees... 
  • And of course, the company-wide email closing with: Fuck you all, from Human Resources

Once they figured it out, Gladstone told them that it was a known virus you can get if you open an email with subject line "Donkey Show." Why would you open something like that? he asked, appalled. They denied it vehemently.

2. The Donkey Show Video Virus: Gladstone's desktop analyst also installed another Maharajapuram Outlook virus to ignite one day later. This virus spams all company contacts with an email containing a Tijuana donkey show video. Gladstone went back to HR and said, Why would you open another email with the subject line "Donkey Show Video" after what happened the day before??

3. Chicken Shit: Did you know you can buy live chickens in Chinatown? HR came into work on Thursday and found chicken shit everywhere. Computers, desks, chairs. Everywhere. Oh, and some chickens. Oddly, the security camera didn't record anything that night. But there was a message left on the wall written in chicken blood (or tomato paste. One of the two). It read: "Alcada was here." Pangbourn, the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team was informed immediately and now the building is on 24/7 terrorist alert.

4.  Locusts (sort of): Did you know that you can buy 250 live crickets from a novelty store? Kessler and I unleashed them in HR's area Friday night. Oddly, the security camera won't record anything again. They can pretty much chalk this one up to something supernatural and most likely satanic. 

Although these plagues were obviously caused by malicious hackers, terrorists, and potentially Satan himself, once I'm through with them, I'm hoping HR will require that I put "Antichrist" on my business cards.

I need three more plagues for HR for this week. I welcome any suggestions you may have...

Reader Comments (13)

If they have a water cooler you should put laxatives in it. This would make for a very "shitty" day, possibly week!.

November 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Heh heh, yeah, I was thinking about spiking their coffee. As a plague companion, I should do something to the bathrooms too. Just to make the experience that much worse...

November 14, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

Plastic wrap over the toilet bowl would make things extra messy! Haha

November 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Fill cubes with KY Jelly.

November 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJed

My Suggestions:

5. Fire - "The sun was given power to scorch people with fire. They were seared by the intense heat and they cursed the name of God, who had control over these plagues, but they refused to repent and glorify him." ....who wouldn't like HR to DIAF..!?

6. Ants in their pants - "They become blood" ... Itchy people = LOL

7. Herpes Virus - in any connotation "ugly and painful sores broke out on the people who had the mark of the beast and worshiped his image"... that's just damn funny

November 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Great suggestions. Not sure where I'm going to get a hold of the Herpes virus though. Thank God.

November 15, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

I always find an open can of Starkist tucked neatly into the back of a file cabinet gets the results I want. The waiting is the hard part. Patience is a virtue, though.

November 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

Or maybe a dead squirrel. The wait is shorter.

November 20, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

Alcada with a "c". Nice!

December 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterM

people judge me because my bf s lesbian but i love her..

January 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterrowena

ohhh.. scary

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