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« Aimee the Temp | Main | Therapy for the Dead »
Wednesday
Mar032010

Girl Scout Cookies Cause Global Warming

I refuse to eat Girl Scout cookies because a new study indicates that these cookies are now a leading cause of Global Warming.

Don't take it from me; listen to the experts:

Some guy in some lab in some institute in Washington had this to say: "Pollution is one of the biggest man-made problems. Burning fossil fuels is one thing that causes pollution. Fossil fuels are fuels made of organic matter such as coal, or oil. When fossil fuels are burned they give off a green house gas called CO2. Girl Scout cookies are made with oil." 

Al Gore had this to say: "Another major man-made cause of Global Warming is population. More people means more Girl Scout cookies, and more methods of transportation to distribute those Girl Scout cookies. The more sales of Girl Scout cookies, the more distribution, the more damage we do to increase the threat of Global Warming."

The stats speak for themselves:

  • 20% increase of America's carbon dioxide emissions from Girl Scout cookies since 1990.
  • 15% increase of America's carbon dioxide emissions forecasted by 2020 if we do not cap the sale of Girl Scout cookies.
  • 80% decrease in Girl Scout cookies required by 2050 to prevent the worst consequences of global warming.

I have posted signs all around the office to inform the uninformed and promote this critical environmental cause. 

Although my efforts to obliterate Girl Scout cookie sales every year tend to be very successful on my floor, there are still those who somehow ignore my slashed Double Stuff Oreo prices and still pay full price for Samoas and Thin Mints to support whatever cause these little girls are peddling. And that's what bothers me the most. It's not the little girls doing the selling; it's their parents bothering me at work so that their daughters don't have to do jack shit. 

For those who actually bought Girl Scout cookies, their orders have arrived. Well, I for one cannot idly stand by and let them enjoy eating those cookies, so I have decided to create some hysteria and controversy. Apart from religion, the easiest way to control people with guilt and panic is to attach global warming to whatever you want to ban.  

So far, it's working like a charm. Even though Tefft sells the cookies for her kids, she has now taken it upon herself to police the floor by ostracizing anyone she catches who is either eating Girl Scout cookies or has them on their desk. 

I think Jason Y is on to me. Turns out he's a clever little bastard. And potentially one of the leading enemies of the Global Warming cause. Therefore, he must be eliminated.

Reader Comments (12)

That chick in the graphic is causing a large percentage of global warming as well...
Funny stuff Jason X and Jason Y. But funniness aside, this is a serious issue and it takes a strong man to speak out about it. The fear of repercussions would keep a weaker man ball&chained to his faintheartedness. I value you a rebel like you. You're a rogue, loose canon who won't play by the rules.

If your blog helps just one person your job is done. As long as that ONE person is God. Otherwise you've wasted your energies, but hey, I promise to never buy these global warming Girl Scouts Cookies ever again, so count me in as .000001 percentage of a person next to God.

March 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCt Kingston

I was hoping it would help Al Gore mostly. But thanks for your support. I'm pretty sure God stopped reading my stuff after I took Jesus out, got him drunk, and he got arrested for indecent exposure. God apparently isn't all that forgiving after all.

March 6, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

They got me good this year! A dozen boxes and guilty of contributing to the expedience of global warming. Fucking little bitches!

March 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

I think they should stop selling those cookies and start selling THEIR cookies. Chicks are biodegradable, so as long as you aren't throwing a Girl Scout Mazola party, the only warming that will be happening is on my nutsack!

March 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKesslerX

Tech Babe: Well, you've made some fucking little bitches very happy. At the expense of the world. I hope your tummy can sleep at night.

KesslerX: Now that you mention it, I think I will throw a Girl Scout Mazola party. And don't think about crashing it again pal. Just because you put on a Girl Scout uniform, doesn't make you a Girl Scout.

March 6, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

JasonX: You know you loved it!

March 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKesslerX

I have some global warming that you may want to help out with. Cookies may or may not be involved. You'll love it, trust me...

March 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Far: Somehow I get the feeling this has nothing to do with saving the environment. So you can definitely count me in.

March 8, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

The Girl Scouts are tricksters. hooligans. liars and thieves. Why, in MY day YOUNG MAN, they were twice the size and cost half as much.

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDangerous Lilly

"You dont have to buy cookies, we take cash donations as well." And then 100% will go to the troop. If more people would think this way ^ we wouldnt have to sell cookies.

March 31, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterohcheap1

Ohcheap1: Good tip for those who do not want to support increased Global Warming, but do want to support the Girl Scouts.

March 31, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

If Girl Scouts looked like the one in the picture, I won't mind burning in hell >_>

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMichael

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