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« How to Violate the Office Temp | Main | Good Jason, Evil Jason »
Thursday
Apr012010

Jason X Has Been Murdered

Well, I died again.

This time, brutally murdered in my office. There is really only one suspect: Jason Y

In reality, Jason Y is the only victim... Of my April Fools joke

The best thing about my adult film actor friends is that they are all dying to play legitimate acting roles. And for them, coming to my office to pretend they are someone they are not just so that I can either fuck with peers or get out of trouble with execs, is considered by them to be a legitimate acting role. 

Today, Rob Jackhoff reprised his role as Detective Curran, Candi Kans played a uniform cop (wearing the same police uniform she wore in "Mouthland"), and Nick Zima played the timid, yet possibly psycho serial killer Dexter-esque forensic blood splatter specialist. 

Since Nick Zima also played Smithee, my imaginary boss, I told him he would have to wear a disguise, which he was all over. He wore a fake mustache. So instead of looking like a pornstar, he looked like a 70's pornstar. And Smithee with a mustache. 

I was able to observe from Gladstone's office via the "Jason Cam".

Jason Y came into the office today to find an outline of my body on the floor by our desk, blood splattered on the floor, and a bloody knife. 

Candi Kans stepped in front of him and blocked him from the scene with her enormous cans. No cop has tits that big unless she's about to strip for you. Apparently Jason Y was too concerned with the splattered blood to notice.

Once he let her know that it was his office, she let him by. 

Nick Zima pretended to be doing some sort of forensic work, but it really looked more like a dog sniffing his own shit. Not a lot of preparation went into this. 

Jason Y couldn't speak. His mouth was down around his ankles. 

Detective Curran asked Jason Y to follow him to a conference room for questioning (where again, I had a cam set up to observe).

"Where were you last night at 9:00 pm?" Curran asked.

"Having dinner with my mother," Jason Y said.

Curran hesitated. And then: "Where were you last night at 10:30 pm?"

"At what time exactly did the murder take place?" 

"I"ll ask the questions!" Curran barked. "Once I know when you were alone, I'll tell you when the murder took place."

Pause.

Curran continued: "11:30 pm?"

Finally, Curran isolated the time frame between 2:00 am and 7:00 am when Jason Y was completely alone. And sleeping. Not surprisingly, within that exact time frame, Jason X was murdered.

At that moment, Dexter Zima came in the room. He showed Curran a finger print on a piece of plastic.

"I lifted a finger print from the murder weapon," he said. 

Curran took the piece of plastic, held it up and asked Jason Y to hold up his thumb next to it. He compared the two, as if this was conclusive.

"It's conclusive," Curran confirmed. "Your print is on the murder weapon."

Jason Y's eyes became very wide. He stammered to say, How could that be conclusive? but Curran cut him off and said he had to make a phone call. He left Jason Y alone with Dexter Zima. 

That's when forensic Dexter Zima turned into psycho Dexter Zima.

"Now that it's conclusive," Dexter Zima said, "I can kill you myself--according to the code."

Dexter Zima pulled another knife and chased Jason Y around the conference room table. Finally, Jason Y managed to get out the door, screaming as he ran down the hallway. 

I believe Jason Y ran all the way out of the building, still screaming as if he were going to be the first victim on Dexter's season opener. 

Not only was I able to view the whole thing from the web cams, but I was able to record the whole thing and play it back for most everyone in the office. Including Jason Y when he finally returned. 

April Fools

Jason Y hates Jason X. Wait until he finds out I had drinks with Aimee the Temp tonight. Hopefully that will go according to plan too...

Reader Comments (5)

Finally! That was fucking fantastic. I've been waiting for something truly entertaining to go down and for you to start terrorizing that fucker. What a gullible loser. Let the games begin!

April 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterM

Hook me up with Dexter Zima please. Thx.

April 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

M: I'll be relentless now. He's going to pay dearly for trying to take my job when I was dead.

Tech Babe: One Dexter Zima, coming up.

April 1, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

Hook me up with Candi Kans? LOL

April 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Matt: Yeah, she's hot. Especially in a uniform. Watch out for that night stick though. She's kinky.

April 3, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

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