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« Cleavage Discrimination | Main | Weekend in Vegas »
Tuesday
May182010

The Cleavage Jar

I never thought I'd say this, but there's just too much cleavage in the workplace. Blair is competing with Aimee the Temp to get Jason Y to stare at her tits, although Aimee the temp is not competing at all; she just has huge tits that everyone stares at except for Jason Y. 

While Blair's tits have a friendly demeanor, her face still has the bitch from Finance demeanor, so Jason Y will not stare at her tits.

While both Aimee the Temp's tits and her face have a friendly demeanor, she seems way too friendly, so Jason Y will not stare at her tits either.

Now Maricruz has thrown her push-up bra into the ring. However, she thinks Blair and Aimee the Temp are trying to get me to stare at their tits, not Jason Y. Because Maricuz is not trying to get Jason Y to stare at her tits, Jason Y cannot stop staring them.  

Both Blair and Aimee the Temp are jealous that Maricruz is getting all the attention from Jason Y, even though they are both getting all the attention from the rest of the company. 

Now Kelsey has also decided to show more cleavage, although she has less cleavage than any of them. While she thinks everyone is now staring at her tits, they're really just staring at her ass like they always do. This has caused Kelsey's Angry Fiancé to get angry again. This time he's not angry at Kornfeld for fucking his fiancée, even though it was actually me who fucked her; he's angry at everyone for staring at Kelsey's tits even though they're really all just staring at her ass.

I need to put a stop to this.

So I told my boss Mulhausen that there's too much cleavage in the workplace and that he should start a Cleavage Jar, similar to his Swear Jar

He thought it was a great idea, but that he couldn't call it a cleavage jar, otherwise Human Resources might get involved. He also couldn't tell anyone why they owed a dollar otherwise they might think he was staring at their tits, which he would now be doing to determine whether or not they owed a dollar. 

I brought Blair into his office first. 

"You owe me a dollar," he said.

"Why?" she said. "I didn't swear."

"There's another jar."

"What's it for?" she asked.

"I can't tell you," he said.

She looked at me. I shrugged.

"If you don't tell me, I'm not paying," she said.

"I'm a VP. So you have to do what I say," he said.

She got that Blair look on her face, but pulled out a dollar and stuffed it into the jar.

"What am I doing wrong?" she asked.

"I can't tell you," he said.

"If I don't know what I'm doing wrong, how will I know what to stop doing?"

"That's not my problem."

I made up a reason to bring each of the women into Mulhausen's office and they all ended up paying a dollar even though none of them knew what it was for. 

Since none of them know why they're paying the dollar, none of them will necessarily stop showing cleavage. However, since Mulhausen is now staring at all their tits, that may be enough incentive to actually start covering up. 

Reader Comments (5)

This shit's hilarious and well written.

Please publish a book so that I can buy it.

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@TPHD

Clever post! Here's my buck$. I know nothing of what I'm to stop doing, and I like it that way. ox

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjennyablue

@TPHD: working on the book. Coming soon...

Jennyablue: I just like that you're one of the ones who has to contribute a dollar. Even though you don't know what it's for.

May 20, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

1/There's no such thing as "Too Much Cleavage."

2/I also think this could all make an awesome book. I'd buy it.

May 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJ.R. LeMar

I agree, but there is a such thing as too much drama. With cleavage and drama, there's a delicate balance.

May 22, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

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