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« Blair is Suspicious | Main | Earth Day: Time to Recycle »
Friday
May072010

Intercourse is Gay

Jason Y is happy about the way his relationship with Aimee the Temp is going. And while they have not had sex yet, they have had some very romantic evenings together.

And while I have not had any romantic evenings together with Aimee the Temp, I have had unbelievable monkey sex with her many times.

Jason Y knows nothing about me and Aimee the Temp. I know every detail about Jason Y and Aimee the Temp. 

Since Aimee the Temp does not want to become the office slut, as long as she's having sex with me she cannot have sex with Jason Y. For me, the sex is great. I have no desire to stop. But even more so, I do not want to stop having sex with Aimee the Temp because I do not want Jason Y to start. 

I'm very interested to know how long he will go out with her without getting any sex. 

Today he asked me for advice. He said he's never had this much trouble getting to second base. I asked him to define the bases for me so that we'd be on the same page. 

  • 1st Base: Kiss
  • 2nd Base: Tits
  • 3rd Base: Pussy
  • Home: Intercourse

I told him that was old school and if he wanted to get anywhere with her he had to have the current definition of the bases:

  • 1st Base: Oral sex
  • 2nd Base: Toys (vibrator, cock ring, anal plug or beads, strap-on, etc.)
  • 3rd Base: BDSM (anything that causes pain)
  • Home: Anal sex

He just stared at me for a moment and then said:

"What about intercourse?"

"What are you, gay?" I said. "So what base are you on?"

"Well..." He said. "I guess I'm still in the dugout." 

"What?" I said with a horrified look on my face. "Are you gay?"

"Of course not!"

"Then you need to get out of that dugout soon. What's holding you back?"

"Well, she keeps saying No," he said.

I explained to him that No used to mean No, then No became the new Yes, and now No just means Drop your pants. That way you're not forcing yourself on her even though she said No, but you're still giving her the option to proceed or retreat.

"It also helps if you're already wearing a cock ring," I said. "Then she knows your intentions are purely sexual." 

I'm not sure if he believed a word I told him, but he at least seemed more confused and less confident than he already was before he asked for my advice. 

Apparently, Jason Y and Aimee the Temp are going out again tonight. So I asked Aimee the Temp if we could have monkey sex before she goes on her date. She agreed to it. That way, No will absolutely mean No, and Jason Y will still be standing in the dugout, but now with his pants around his ankles.

Reader Comments (10)

Wow!!! I am living in the 1890's please someone come and save me before I wither up and die.....

May 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Moran

Kelly: You're right, get with it now. You don't want people to think you're uncool.

May 8, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

Intercourse may be gay, yet arrive at 1st base and you're on. ox

May 9, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjennyablue

Jennyablue: That's the beauty of my bases. First is almost good enough to score the point.

May 9, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

You sound like you play small ball :P Sacrifice those after you to traverse the bases :P

May 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTremas

Tremes: You get that this was all just made up to make Jason Y look like an idiot, right? Just checking.

May 11, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

Yep, I get it. Still think it's hilarious though :P

May 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTremas

Tremas: Maybe I can use it with some women at work just to fuck with them too. And maybe get to BDSM quicker.

May 11, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

If I were you, I would have told him second base was something really perverse. That way when he tries it, she will turn him down cold and he will be humiliated at work when Aimee tells everyone what a sicko he is. But this is still pretty funny.

May 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

I think the whole "drop you pants when she says No" advice is what got Bill Clinton into trouble with Paula Jones.

May 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJ.R. LeMar

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