In Technology, a whiteboard is like a dick: size matters. 

The larger the whiteboard, the more important you seem and the more attractive you are to women in Technology. If it's big, they always want to touch your whiteboard. But they're intimidated by it because they know if they put something on it, there will be a lot of exposure. So it better be good.

If your whiteboard is small, you're obviously responsible for very little in the organization and therefore undesirable. 

The more diagrams and bullet points you have drawn on the whiteboard, the more overworked everyone thinks you are. So you need a lot of space. Large content translates to high performance. Size and performance always matter.

I have a very large white board. 

While most people use their whiteboards for drawing boxes that point to each other, I like drawing different renditions of my staff.

For example, when Maharajapuram broke his leg hiking, I drew him breaking his leg off with blood spewing in all directions. A little much, but I figure I should have the artistic license to elaborate a little in order to maximize the entertainment value for my audience. 

I also like to list out potential users for the user pool as if they're people I need to contact for a project or something. I can reference my whiteboard often to keep my eye on the ball, so to speak.

One thing I don't like is when people write "Don't erase" on whiteboards in conference rooms. If you have to keep something for a day so that you have time to copy it down, I'll let it go. But if I see that note on a whiteboard for more than a day, I erase it--whether I need the whiteboard for a meeting or not. I, of course, leave the "Don't erase". 

Other things you should NOT do with a whiteboard:

• Use a Sharpie, especially on your boss's whiteboard (unless he's not in the room at the time).
• Use it to write out code; code is an eyesore, I hate looking at it.
• Write things like "Blendi stopped by!! XXOO". Because before you get back, Blair stops by too and leaves the message: "You're dead."
  
• Draw pictures of naked women (unless it's on your boss's whiteboard and he's not in the room--and you're using a Sharpie).
• Use as a wakeboard; warps it and washes off the latest diagrams.

I'm telling McKinney today how disgusted I am when people don't wash their hands after they take a piss, or worse, after they take a shit. They're out there. Happens more often than you think. This is how the conversation went:

"I don't wash my hands after I take a piss," McKinney said.

"What?" I said, shocked. "What do you mean? You're one of them?"

"That's right," he said.

"We just did the knuckle thing."

"What knuckle thing?" he asked.

"The knuckle thing. The 'what's up' knuckle thing," I said, motioning with my fist.

"So?"

"So, when was the last time you took a piss?"

"I don't know," he said. "Doesn't matter, I don't hold my dick with my fists when I take a piss."

"How can you take a piss and not wash your hands?" I asked.

"My mother taught me how to take a piss without getting pee on my hands," he said. "So why should I wash my hands?"

"I don't piss on my hands either," I said. "But I still wash my hands."

"Why?" he asked. "Is your dick dirty?"

"What?"

"My dick is clean," he explained. "It's like touching any other part of my body. So why should I wash my hands after I touch it?"

"It doesn't matter," I said. "If you touched your dick, I don't want you touching me. No more knuckle thing with you."

Well folks, there you have it. I'm curious to know what you think, so please vote. And of course, comments are always welcome--especially if you're one of "them". I'd like to understand why you do what you do... And this certainly applies to both men and women.

Today was a half day because tomorrow is the Fourth of July.

Tefft was responsible for our noon potluck, which meant she decorated with Independence Day artwork. I didn't even have to mislead her this time.

Apparently she's a big Will Smith fan. And while she is not a racist, she does not hire African Americans. But she doesn't hire African Americans because she doesn't trust them, not because their skin is black. So obviously, she's not a racist.

But even though she does not hire African Americans because she doesn't trust them, she loves Will Smith and has seen every movie he's ever made.

So for Tefft, Independence Day was the day our forefathers took back control of the Earth from aliens.

She served fried chicken and watermelon in honor of Will Smith.

But Tefft is not a racist.

We got to leave work early today, which is why I'm depressed.

I hate long weekends. That means three days with the wife. No users. 

Uggggh. 

Fashingbauer wants to quit his job, but he doesn't know how.

He's an Oracle DBA who reports to Dinton. Since nobody can find Dinton, least of all his own staff, Fashingbauer cannot submit his resignation because he has nobody to submit it to.

He has spoken to HR about the situation, but Triplet says her hands are tied. According to HR policy, for a resignation to be valid, you must submit the signed resignation to your direct supervisor. Fashingbauer cannot submit the signed resignation to Dinton because he cannot find Dinton. He has left voicemail messages and sent email messages, but he has not received a response. He even sent him a meeting request to meet so that he can deliver his signed resignation, but the meeting was rejected.

The meeting was not rejected by Dinton, but rather by his assistant Beth who has been instructed by Dinton to reject every meeting proposal he gets. Dinton does not want to meet with anyone because if he appears to have time to meet with someone, it will appear that he doesn't have anything to do. So he always keeps his calendar completely free so that he can tell everyone that he is completely booked. 

If Dinton appears to always be completely booked, nobody can accuse him of not having anything to do.

This is why Fashingbauer can't quit his job.

And while he can't quit his job, he can't get fired either.

Fashingbauer has decided the only way out is to get fired. So he has stopped working all together. And it's not that he refuses to do the work. He gladly accepts the work but then just doesn't do it. He agrees to get it done, but it is always never done by the time it's due.

This is particularly upsetting to both Mulhausen and Fernandez, and I suppose Smithee too, because they have projects dependent on the work Fashingbauer is supposed to be completing for them but that has now come to a grinding halt.   

This all just trickles down to me, since I'm running the projects. But I don't care because Fashingbauer is the bottleneck, so I don't have do any work on the project until he does. The longer he tries to get fired by not doing his job, the longer I don't have to do my job without getting fired. 

Mulhausen and Fernandez both went to HR to complain about Fashingbauer and try to get him fired. Unfortunately, according to HR policy, Fashingbauer's direct supervisor is the only person who can actually fire him. So unless they can find Dinton, Fashingbauer can't be fired.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal for Fashingbauer. I hope he doesn't reconsider quitting or trying to get fired, otherwise he might want to keep his job and worse--start doing his job again. Which would mean I would have to start doing my job again.

Let's just hope Fashingbauer continues to want to leave the company for a very long time. 

Fuck this. How long can this shit go on? I'm revolting.

I sent a message to Teri. In approximately 1 minute, she's going to interrupt this stupid ass clusterfuck meeting and inform me that my house has caught fire. I will rush out of the room and never come back. Smithee will complain to both Mulhausen and Fernandez that even if he is not available for a meeting, they should still never go directly to me or involve me in any way. That's just bad business.

Blair is not speaking to me because I am not speaking to her. I am not speaking to her because I don't want to see her tonight. If she thinks I'm angry with her, she will be angry with me. If we're angry with each other, we won't get together.  

Too many fantasies about the Island of Lesbos today so I have to see Athena the Lesbian tonight instead of Blair. Which is why I need Blair to be angry with me.

Here's Teri. Showtime...

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Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld