In Technology, a whiteboard is like a dick: size matters. 

The larger the whiteboard, the more important you seem and the more attractive you are to women in Technology. If it's big, they always want to touch your whiteboard. But they're intimidated by it because they know if they put something on it, there will be a lot of exposure. So it better be good.

If your whiteboard is small, you're obviously responsible for very little in the organization and therefore undesirable. 

The more diagrams and bullet points you have drawn on the whiteboard, the more overworked everyone thinks you are. So you need a lot of space. Large content translates to high performance. Size and performance always matter.

I have a very large white board. 

While most people use their whiteboards for drawing boxes that point to each other, I like drawing different renditions of my staff.

For example, when Maharajapuram broke his leg hiking, I drew him breaking his leg off with blood spewing in all directions. A little much, but I figure I should have the artistic license to elaborate a little in order to maximize the entertainment value for my audience. 

I also like to list out potential users for the user pool as if they're people I need to contact for a project or something. I can reference my whiteboard often to keep my eye on the ball, so to speak.

One thing I don't like is when people write "Don't erase" on whiteboards in conference rooms. If you have to keep something for a day so that you have time to copy it down, I'll let it go. But if I see that note on a whiteboard for more than a day, I erase it--whether I need the whiteboard for a meeting or not. I, of course, leave the "Don't erase". 

Other things you should NOT do with a whiteboard:

• Use a Sharpie, especially on your boss's whiteboard (unless he's not in the room at the time).
• Use it to write out code; code is an eyesore, I hate looking at it.
• Write things like "Blendi stopped by!! XXOO". Because before you get back, Blair stops by too and leaves the message: "You're dead."
  
• Draw pictures of naked women (unless it's on your boss's whiteboard and he's not in the room--and you're using a Sharpie).
• Use as a wakeboard; warps it and washes off the latest diagrams.

The new iPhone not only has 3G and custom apps, it also allows you to catch your dirty, rotten cheating lover. Here's how Blair tried to do it to me:

Blair somehow found a store during lunch on Friday that had iPhones in stock. She picked one up for herself then called me and asked if I wanted her to pick one up for me too. I immediately knew something was wrong. Blair does not do anyone any favors, least of all me.

Even though it's against policy, she convinced the clerk to do it for her. Blair can be a very charming person if she wants to be. It certainly helps if you don't know her.

All the clerk needed was my phone number and the last four digits of my social security number. 

That was an immediate red flag. But since I really wanted an iPhone and didn't see much of a risk (what was she going to do? Steal my identity and run up my credit cards?), I gave her the digits.

By the time I got the phone, she had already activated it for me. Once again, favors are not Blair's forte. 

I started playing with the phone and quickly realized one application had already been downloaded for me by my gracious lover. It's an app called "Whrrl". Here's the description:

Whrrl lets your friends light up your map based on the places they go in the real world. You can zero in on what they are up to right now, plus their past visits. 

Apparently, Blair didn't think I'd notice this application. She also thought that since I wouldn't notice this application, she'd be able to track my every move. She further thought she'd be able to verify if I was home like I said I'd be. She even further thought she'd be able to catch me cheating on her.

Well, it was certainly worth a try. An application my wife also would've been interested in checking out.

I disabled the feature of course. But if you and your lover both have the iPhone and he/she has downloaded a bunch of apps--he/she might not notice one more called "Whrrl". And then you can catch that dirty, rotten cheater. 

Looks like I'm safe for now. 

Today was a half day because tomorrow is the Fourth of July.

Tefft was responsible for our noon potluck, which meant she decorated with Independence Day artwork. I didn't even have to mislead her this time.

Apparently she's a big Will Smith fan. And while she is not a racist, she does not hire African Americans. But she doesn't hire African Americans because she doesn't trust them, not because their skin is black. So obviously, she's not a racist.

But even though she does not hire African Americans because she doesn't trust them, she loves Will Smith and has seen every movie he's ever made.

So for Tefft, Independence Day was the day our forefathers took back control of the Earth from aliens.

She served fried chicken and watermelon in honor of Will Smith.

But Tefft is not a racist.

We got to leave work early today, which is why I'm depressed.

I hate long weekends. That means three days with the wife. No users. 

Uggggh. 

Fuck this. How long can this shit go on? I'm revolting.

I sent a message to Teri. In approximately 1 minute, she's going to interrupt this stupid ass clusterfuck meeting and inform me that my house has caught fire. I will rush out of the room and never come back. Smithee will complain to both Mulhausen and Fernandez that even if he is not available for a meeting, they should still never go directly to me or involve me in any way. That's just bad business.

Blair is not speaking to me because I am not speaking to her. I am not speaking to her because I don't want to see her tonight. If she thinks I'm angry with her, she will be angry with me. If we're angry with each other, we won't get together.  

Too many fantasies about the Island of Lesbos today so I have to see Athena the Lesbian tonight instead of Blair. Which is why I need Blair to be angry with me.

Here's Teri. Showtime...

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Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld

I excused myself to get some coffee. I quickly checked out the Starbucks Cam and the line was short. However, by the time I got down there, it seems everyone had the same idea and probably checked the Starbucks Cam as well. My system seems to have a flaw... Anyway, I'm back in the meeting again. This is fucking bullshit. I don't even know what these guys are arguing about anymore. I'm dreaming of Athena the Lesbian on the Greek Island of Lesbos frolicking with other Lesbians on the beach. They have kidnapped me, tied me to a tree, and will have their way with me shortly. For this to work, we have to assume the other Lesbians are like Athena the Lesbian, who is only attracted to men.

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Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld