I suppose the main reason zombies don’t date is because they don’t fuck.

Dead dicks don’t fuck and neither do dried-up pussies. That’s just one of the facts of life. Zombies don’t fuck so zombies don’t date.

Whether you’re male of female, we’re all just trying to get laid. Sure, some people want to throw emotions and commitment into the exchange, but sex is what drives us all. Except for zombies. Hunger for human flesh drives zombies....

Blair and Kelsey were also invited to this meeting.

I was beginning to wonder if he took this job just so that he could fillet me in front of these very people in a meeting, like the one I was about to attend. 

I had no strategy going in because I had no idea what to expect. I didn't want any surprises walking into the room, so I got to the meeting first, found my power position at the conference room table, then mentally prepared for the onslaught as I waited.

Of course, the first to arrive was Kelsey's Angry Fiancé. 

He greeted me with a smile and a handshake. 

I told myself: Wait for it... Wait for it...

But it didn't come. 

He made small talk, like any new employee might. Even so, I stared at him apprehensively. He didn't seem to notice, didn't seem to care. He just blabbed on like we were palling it up. 

Then Blair came into the room. She introduced herself to Kelsey's Angry Fiancé, then sat in the chair furthest from me and proceeded to ignore me completely. She wanted to make it very clear to the new guy that she was not sleeping with me by pretending I didn't exist. 

Again, nothing abnormal about the situation.

Then Kornfeld came into the room. I saw Kelsey's Angry Fiancé tense up. He smiled again, but this time it was a very forced, criminal smile. When he took Kornfeld's hand and didn't let go for at least a full minute. This not only made Kornfeld uneasy, but Blair also.

He said: "Glad to finally meet you."

It was obvious that he still thought Kornfeld was the guy who fucked his wife.

The two sat down, then Kelsey walked into the room. She apparently didn't check the invite list because when she saw both her angry fiancé and me in the same room, she gasped.

I was more worried about Blair's reaction. Which, predictably, resulted in Blair giving me the evil eye.

So Kelsey still thought I was Kornfeld while Kelsey's Angry Fiancé knew that I was not. But he also didn't think I was the guy who fucked his wife. He thought Kornfeld fucked his wife while Kelsey also thought it was Kornfeld who fucked her, but that I was Kornfeld. 

Kornfeld knew nothing while Blair suspected everything.

The meeting began, and every time Kornfeld asked a question, Kelsey's Angry Fiancé answered with a seemingly unrelated riddle. For example:

Kornfeld: It's your first week, but where do you see this brand heading? 

Kelsey's Angry Fiancé: The maker makes it but doesn't use it.. The buyer buys it but doesn't need it...
The one who needs it never knows it... What is it?

Everyone just stared at him. Kornfeld looked to me for some sort of assurance that he wasn't hearing things, but my expression conveyed that I didn't find anything abnormal about the question at all. 

Kelsey's Angry Fiancé: A coffin. 

And then he chuckled to himself, but didn't take his eyes off Kornfeld. Kelsey couldn't understand why her angry fiancé was angry at this other guy and not me. Blair stared at Kelsey trying to understand why she was staring at the new guy and not me.

Blair knew something was wrong, knew it had to have something to do with me, but couldn't figure out why nothing was being directed at me. 

The riddles continued. Kornfeld became speechless, Kelsey started to sweat, and Blair started boiling over. And then there was me. I just sat there listening as if this was a normal meeting and a normal discussion.

Blair couldn't take it any longer. She stood up, slammed her hand on the table and said:

"What the fuck is going on?"

The room went dead silent as we all stared at Blair. Finally:

"Just a meet and greet," Kelsey's Angry Fiancé said casually with a smile. 

The meeting concluded, everyone left except me and Blair. She just stared at me. 

"Something wrong?" I asked innocently. 

She nodded her head looking at me with squinted, suspicious eyes. Then she walked out of the room.

Well, a reprieve for today. Let's see how long this lasts. Hopefully at least until Kelsey's Angry Fiancé kills Kornfeld.  

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Kelsey's Angry Fiancé will be starting work at my company on Monday as a Brand Manager.  

I suppose I knew this all along, but Kelsey is not the sharpest tool in the shed. She is, however, a really hot piece of ass, which always outweighs.... Well, just about any other factor [reference How to Get Inside Your Enemy's Head (and Mouth)]. 

I asked Kelsey why she would help her angry fiancé get a job at our company. Forget about the fact that he wants to kill me-- she's still trying to fuck me on the side and now it's going to be that much more difficult to pull off with an angry fiancé in the same building all the live-long day. 

Her answer: I didn't think about that...

Kelsey's Angry Fiancé working at the same company presents several problems:

• He wants to murder me
• I can't easily fuck his fiancée right under his nose
• They both still think I'm Kornfeld, the Director of Finance

Now that third little item might have worked in my favor when Kelsey's Angry Fiancé didn't work at the company. But now, it's only a matter of time before they both figure out that I'm not who I said I was.

Kelsey has not figured it out yet only because, again, she's not the brightest bulb on the tree. But her angry fiancé will take no time at all, I'm sure.  

This may also raise some red flags for Blair. Especially when it becomes known that Kelsey does not, in fact, have a thing for Kornfeld. Blair does not need to be told that Kelsey has a thing for me; she just needs to know that Kelsey doesn't have a thing for anyone else. Because that puts me on the market for the new girl. 

Blair will be the least of my concerns. For once. I'm reasonably sure the new Brand Manager will not actually attempt to kill me. However, he may try to make my life a living hell once he figures out who I really am. 

Just when I break down the Berlin Wall of my arch enemy Fiona the Cunt, another one goes up. And I won't be able to fuck this wall down, I can tell you that right now.

He'll be in orientation on Monday which gives me one day of reprieve before the onslaught.  I guess I'd better come up with my counterattack. 

Fuck. 

For example, there’s nothing worse for a woman than being known as the Office Slut at work. And it doesn’t take much to become one. All you really have to do is blow two guys in the same department. Once you’re labeled the Office Slut, you’re stuck with it until you leave the company...

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Blair believes that I also think Fiona the Cunt is a real cunt and therefore that's one less woman Blair needs to worry about me fucking around with. 

However, one thing I have learned as a result of recent events: I will fuck any hot female who wants to fuck me--even if I think she's a real cunt.

I finally had a talk with Fiona the Cunt and she seems just as hot for me as she did the night we fucked in the parking lot. But trust me when I say, I do not believe a word she says. Although apparently I do not have a problem fucking someone who may have ulterior motives, just for the sake of getting laid. Regardless, I'm on to her and will not make the same mistakes Gladstone made. Well, not all the same mistakes.

And even if she is sincere as a result of my deception, what's the harm in not trusting her? I don't trust anyone, least of all someone I named "The Cunt". 

But I told Fiona the Cunt that we should still pretend to hate each other for the sake of appearances. It seems to give us both leverage in this company: her with her bosses Mulhausen and Fernandez and me with Blair and The User Pool in general. 

And imagine if Gladstone finds out about this. The shit I would get... I mean, I've still been punishing him for fucking around with Fiona the Cunt and Bonnie Bod. John Yaya was hired specifically to fuck with and torture Gladstone. 

I feel kind of bad about that.

So there's really only one thing to do: have Yaya fuck with Gladstone even more.

And although Gladstone deserves it less in light of my own recent actions with Fiona the Cunt, he's going to receive even more punishment. And although he should actually be absolved of his crimes, I will pretend he is even more guilty. 

This is how I will distract Gladstone from the truth. Just so he doesn't give me any shit for being almost as dumb as him.

Click to read more... 

Since Pangbourn has contributed so much to this company, including the Bomb Threat Checklist, Human Resources has decided that this means he has done nothing wrong.

Also, given the incident happened over a week ago, HR says enough time has passed that we should all just move on. 

HR issued this statement:

Whatever you think about this so-called "horrific, indisputably grotesque crime," it would be irresponsible of this organization to ignore the monumental contributions Pangbourn has made that have directly impacted this company's bottom line. 

Debra, his assistant, has forgiven Pangbourn, since her 13-year-old sister is too young to really understand the concept. We do, however, anticipate that when she's reached the age of 45, she will long since gotten over it and ultimately forgive him completely.

Regardless, the Girl Scouts of America are not satisfied. It seems that after the rape Pangbourn did not give the girl money for the cookies he took. They had this to say:

Apparently in this country a man with executive status can get away with drugging and raping a Girl Scout and not pay one dime for her cookies. We are not going to let him get away with this.

While the police have been notified, apparently they have their hands full with all the blatant violations of the new laws regarding the use of mobile phones while driving. They won't be available for comment until early next year. 

One of Pangbourn's executive peers also commented:

Osmund: Since it was just rape and not rape-rape, and definitely not rape-rape-rape, I don't know what the big deal is. Just because someone is drugged and repeatedly says "no" to forced intercourse, doesn't mean you have been rape-raped or even rape-rape-raped. He's an executive for god sake. What did she ever do for this company? She sold a few cookies. Get a real job, then come complain.

Before HR had issued their statement, it was thought that Pangbourn had gone into hiding. However it was later discovered that he was actually just stuck in the bathroom, having been penguined by Kessler.

Sooner or later, as long as Kessler is around, executives at this company will pay for their crimes.