Kelsey's Angry Fiancé will be starting work at my company on Monday as a Brand Manager.  

I suppose I knew this all along, but Kelsey is not the sharpest tool in the shed. She is, however, a really hot piece of ass, which always outweighs.... Well, just about any other factor [reference How to Get Inside Your Enemy's Head (and Mouth)]. 

I asked Kelsey why she would help her angry fiancé get a job at our company. Forget about the fact that he wants to kill me-- she's still trying to fuck me on the side and now it's going to be that much more difficult to pull off with an angry fiancé in the same building all the live-long day. 

Her answer: I didn't think about that...

Kelsey's Angry Fiancé working at the same company presents several problems:

• He wants to murder me
• I can't easily fuck his fiancée right under his nose
• They both still think I'm Kornfeld, the Director of Finance

Now that third little item might have worked in my favor when Kelsey's Angry Fiancé didn't work at the company. But now, it's only a matter of time before they both figure out that I'm not who I said I was.

Kelsey has not figured it out yet only because, again, she's not the brightest bulb on the tree. But her angry fiancé will take no time at all, I'm sure.  

This may also raise some red flags for Blair. Especially when it becomes known that Kelsey does not, in fact, have a thing for Kornfeld. Blair does not need to be told that Kelsey has a thing for me; she just needs to know that Kelsey doesn't have a thing for anyone else. Because that puts me on the market for the new girl. 

Blair will be the least of my concerns. For once. I'm reasonably sure the new Brand Manager will not actually attempt to kill me. However, he may try to make my life a living hell once he figures out who I really am. 

Just when I break down the Berlin Wall of my arch enemy Fiona the Cunt, another one goes up. And I won't be able to fuck this wall down, I can tell you that right now.

He'll be in orientation on Monday which gives me one day of reprieve before the onslaught.  I guess I'd better come up with my counterattack. 

Fuck. 

For example, there’s nothing worse for a woman than being known as the Office Slut at work. And it doesn’t take much to become one. All you really have to do is blow two guys in the same department. Once you’re labeled the Office Slut, you’re stuck with it until you leave the company...

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Blair believes that I also think Fiona the Cunt is a real cunt and therefore that's one less woman Blair needs to worry about me fucking around with. 

However, one thing I have learned as a result of recent events: I will fuck any hot female who wants to fuck me--even if I think she's a real cunt.

I finally had a talk with Fiona the Cunt and she seems just as hot for me as she did the night we fucked in the parking lot. But trust me when I say, I do not believe a word she says. Although apparently I do not have a problem fucking someone who may have ulterior motives, just for the sake of getting laid. Regardless, I'm on to her and will not make the same mistakes Gladstone made. Well, not all the same mistakes.

And even if she is sincere as a result of my deception, what's the harm in not trusting her? I don't trust anyone, least of all someone I named "The Cunt". 

But I told Fiona the Cunt that we should still pretend to hate each other for the sake of appearances. It seems to give us both leverage in this company: her with her bosses Mulhausen and Fernandez and me with Blair and The User Pool in general. 

And imagine if Gladstone finds out about this. The shit I would get... I mean, I've still been punishing him for fucking around with Fiona the Cunt and Bonnie Bod. John Yaya was hired specifically to fuck with and torture Gladstone. 

I feel kind of bad about that.

So there's really only one thing to do: have Yaya fuck with Gladstone even more.

And although Gladstone deserves it less in light of my own recent actions with Fiona the Cunt, he's going to receive even more punishment. And although he should actually be absolved of his crimes, I will pretend he is even more guilty. 

This is how I will distract Gladstone from the truth. Just so he doesn't give me any shit for being almost as dumb as him.

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Since Pangbourn has contributed so much to this company, including the Bomb Threat Checklist, Human Resources has decided that this means he has done nothing wrong.

Also, given the incident happened over a week ago, HR says enough time has passed that we should all just move on. 

HR issued this statement:

Whatever you think about this so-called "horrific, indisputably grotesque crime," it would be irresponsible of this organization to ignore the monumental contributions Pangbourn has made that have directly impacted this company's bottom line. 

Debra, his assistant, has forgiven Pangbourn, since her 13-year-old sister is too young to really understand the concept. We do, however, anticipate that when she's reached the age of 45, she will long since gotten over it and ultimately forgive him completely.

Regardless, the Girl Scouts of America are not satisfied. It seems that after the rape Pangbourn did not give the girl money for the cookies he took. They had this to say:

Apparently in this country a man with executive status can get away with drugging and raping a Girl Scout and not pay one dime for her cookies. We are not going to let him get away with this.

While the police have been notified, apparently they have their hands full with all the blatant violations of the new laws regarding the use of mobile phones while driving. They won't be available for comment until early next year. 

One of Pangbourn's executive peers also commented:

Osmund: Since it was just rape and not rape-rape, and definitely not rape-rape-rape, I don't know what the big deal is. Just because someone is drugged and repeatedly says "no" to forced intercourse, doesn't mean you have been rape-raped or even rape-rape-raped. He's an executive for god sake. What did she ever do for this company? She sold a few cookies. Get a real job, then come complain.

Before HR had issued their statement, it was thought that Pangbourn had gone into hiding. However it was later discovered that he was actually just stuck in the bathroom, having been penguined by Kessler.

Sooner or later, as long as Kessler is around, executives at this company will pay for their crimes.  

I successfully executed the plan, enlisting the help of Kessler and Chelsea the Intern. But then things got weird. Mainly, when I fucked Fiona the Cunt.

Admittedly, most of my devious plans are directly tied to a goal of fucking someone.  

But in this case, all I wanted to do was get the bitch off my back. When a plan backfires and I end up fucking a hot piece of ass as an accidental result... Can't be all bad. 

After work, we met at an Italian restaurant for drinks and dinner as the ICATT (Integration Committee of Associated Technology Teams), formally known as ITTSC (I.T. Team Spirit Committee). The team is made up of  Tefft, Adler from the PMO, Maggie the Drunk, Dinton, Fiona the Cunt and myself, with Tawny the Temp as the "scribe". 

Dinton did not show up, since he has not been seen by anyone for over a year. 

Maggie the Drunk was already drunk when she showed up and decided to take a nap as soon as we all sat down. 

Adler and Tefft ordered wine, Fiona the Cunt and Tawny the Temp ordered tequila shots with me. I knew getting their white trash asses sloshed before the main event would be easy.

But I also knew these two evil bitches had a plan of their own. And I'm sure part of it entailed getting me drunk.

Of the entire group, Fiona the Cunt and I got along the best. In part, because we each had an agenda; in part because the group was so goddamn boring.

Tefft kept talking about how PETA was going to save the world as she chow-ed down on her Veal Parmesan. Adler just spoke to hear himself speak even though nobody else was listening to a word. Maggie the Drunk snored, head on the table. 

Once we were finished eating, Tefft had a surprise activity for us. And when I say "surprise activity," I mean surprise for everyone but me. 

Right next to the Italian restaurant was a little shop called the "Psychic Eye" psychic readings.

Not only did I convince Tefft we should eat at this restaurant, I also convinced her it would be fun for each of us to get a psychic reading.  

All of this was carefully staged. Chelsea the Intern knew the psychic because they used to strip at the same strip club. Her former stripper name was Uzzi and her new psychic name was Urzla. For a nominal fee, Urzla would tell Fiona the Cunt anything we wanted her to say.

The goal was to convince Fiona the Cunt that I had nothing to do with her sister's death. Which I didn't. Technically.

Any other kind of offensive would result in an all out war, which if you've read anything about this bitch, you know, would be a risky undertaking. She's a formidable adversary. 

The risk of this approach was that she wouldn't buy the bullshit. But again, her white trash roots gave good odds that she would.

While nobody else was in the room with Urzla and Fiona the Cunt, Kessler and Chelsea the Intern were in the back listening.

Even if Fiona the Cunt didn't ask about her sister, Urzla would bring her up. That's what psychics do. They tell you who's been asking about you from the netherworld.

Conklin's dead slutty wife essentially confirmed that I had nothing to do with her accidental death. 

Afterwards, I watched Fiona the Cunt's expression carefully, trying to determine whether that blank stare showed any indication of either belief or disbelief. It revealed nothing.

But once we were all saying good-bye for the night, Fiona the Cunt walked up to me and asked if I'd stay and have a drink with her.

Tawny the Temp was livid and asked her what the fuck she was doing. Fiona the Cunt told Tawny the Temp to go fuck herself and then we went down the street to a Mexican bar to get a drink. Just the two of us. 

I did not expect it to work this well. Urzla didn't give away too much or two little. She was probably a great stripper in her day too.

We had some margaritas and a couple more shots and Fiona the Cunt told me that she had me all wrong and that she didn't blame me anymore.

I'm not exactly sure how we got into the next situation, but suddenly we were out in the parking lot, her mouth around my cock. I then turned her around, pulled down her jeans, pulled her black panties to the side, bent her over the hood of someone's car and started fucking her like an animal.

Headlights were occasionally hitting my bare ass and I think I heard more than once someone's voice saying, "Get a room." Funny how sex and tequila drown out the rest of the world. We're lucky we didn't get arrested.

Since she's on another floor, I have successfully avoided Fiona the Cunt so far this week. I'm not sure what to expect. Has she come to her senses? When the alcohol wore off, did she realize how stupid it all was and that I played her? 

Regardless, she can't deny that was fucking hot-ass indecent exposure. In fact, oddly, I'm still thinking about how good it was.

I fucked Fiona the Cunt. 

Uh. That is all. 

And not in a good way.

Tawny the Temp still wants her money for fucking me even though she didn't disclose there was a cost until after the fact; and she still wants the money even though her pimp, Bonnie Bod, has been exposed and disposed of (again). 

And Fiona the Cunt still wants to prove I killed her sister, Conklin's Slutty Wife, even though I had almost nothing to do with it. 

I'm on the ICATT (Integration Committee of Associated Technology Teams), formally known as ITTSC (I.T. Team Spirit Committee). I actually got them to agree to change the name because its more about team integration than "team spirit," which sounds too juvenile for professionals like ourselves. And because I really like saying ICATT (I see a titty). 

Fiona the Cunt is also on the committee and she brought in Tawny the Temp to be the scribe. 

Given Tefft, Adler from the PMO, Maggie the Drunk, and Dinton are the other members of the committee, Fiona the Cunt and I align more often than not on ideas. Which makes me very uncomfortable. I'm sure it makes her very uncomfortable as well, which is why she brought Tawny the Temp in to be the scribe. Someone who can remind her who the enemy really is.

Tawny the Temp sits next to Fiona the Cunt on the opposite side of the conference table from where I sit and whispers to Fiona the Cunt throughout our ICATT meetings. 

They are planning something. And it ain't team building.

I met with Chelsea the Intern and Kessler to discuss defensive tactics. I would have brought Gladstone into the conversation, but his dick can't be trusted around discussions about Fiona the Cunt. I know how his dick thinks. It starts hearing her name too much, and it starts focusing on the "Cunt" in Fiona and it comes up with other plans.

So we decided that the best defense is a good offense. Basically, I need to strike first. 

Even though Tefft is technically a woman, she prefers to be called "Chairman" of the ICATT over "Chairwoman" or even "Chairperson". This is because she believes in equality and believes everyone should be referred to as a "man."

And as Chairman of the ICATT, Tefft has decided that we, as a committee, should do a little team building together before we involve the entire department. So we're going to have dinner and drinks this Friday night as a first stab at integration.

This also seems like the best time to strike an offensive. Both Fiona the Cunt and Tawny will get sauced, both being extremely white trash in nature, and I will have the outside help of two of the most devious minds I've ever met: Kessler and Chelsea the Intern.

Not sure exactly what we're going to do yet, but personally, I'd like to convince Fiona the Cunt that her dead sister is trying to contact her and wants to finger her real killer. Get her off my back and onto someone else's. 

However, I haven't been able to convince Kessler or Chelsea the Intern. They both think it'll be too hard to pull off. I reminded them both that I created an imaginary boss that everyone believes is real and have kept him "alive" and well for almost two years. 

Anyway, we need to figure something out before Friday.

I'm open to suggestions if you have any...