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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Entries in 7 Plagues (1)

Sunday
Nov142010

7 Plagues for Human Resources

Last week was the last straw for Human Resources. First they made me take down the "666" office number I had put up, and now they won't approve me putting "Antichrist" on my business cards. How ridiculous. 

Other run-ins with HR, just to cite a few more examples: 

So I decided last week to take action and punish HR with 7 plagues. 

1. The Fuck Virus: I had my programmer Maharajapuram create an Outlook virus that converts "Thank" to "Fuck" and "Thanks" to "Fuck you" with the auto correct function. Then Gladstone had one of his desktop support analysts install it on specific HR computers.  

There were some good emails that slipped out from HR on Tuesday.  

  • I'd like to fuck the person responsible for...
  • Fuck you very much...
  • We just want to fuck all the employees... 
  • And of course, the company-wide email closing with: Fuck you all, from Human Resources

Once they figured it out, Gladstone told them that it was a known virus you can get if you open an email with subject line "Donkey Show." Why would you open something like that? he asked, appalled. They denied it vehemently.

2. The Donkey Show Video Virus: Gladstone's desktop analyst also installed another Maharajapuram Outlook virus to ignite one day later. This virus spams all company contacts with an email containing a Tijuana donkey show video. Gladstone went back to HR and said, Why would you open another email with the subject line "Donkey Show Video" after what happened the day before??

3. Chicken Shit: Did you know you can buy live chickens in Chinatown? HR came into work on Thursday and found chicken shit everywhere. Computers, desks, chairs. Everywhere. Oh, and some chickens. Oddly, the security camera didn't record anything that night. But there was a message left on the wall written in chicken blood (or tomato paste. One of the two). It read: "Alcada was here." Pangbourn, the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team was informed immediately and now the building is on 24/7 terrorist alert.

4.  Locusts (sort of): Did you know that you can buy 250 live crickets from a novelty store? Kessler and I unleashed them in HR's area Friday night. Oddly, the security camera won't record anything again. They can pretty much chalk this one up to something supernatural and most likely satanic. 

Although these plagues were obviously caused by malicious hackers, terrorists, and potentially Satan himself, once I'm through with them, I'm hoping HR will require that I put "Antichrist" on my business cards.

I need three more plagues for HR for this week. I welcome any suggestions you may have...