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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Entries in dysfunctional relationships (2)

Thursday
Sep022010

Dysfunctional Relationship Management

I'm convinced that a good relationship boils down to the number of stories you have to exchange.

Once you run out of stories to tell each other or begin repeating stories, the relationship is over. Then you become that couple sitting at dinner who doesn't speak to each other. We all make fun of that couple until we become that couple. 

The beauty of a dysfunctional relationship is that it can go on for years independent of the stories you have to tell. 

Blair and I have a near perfect dysfunctional relationship

Our relationship is based on a dysfunctional cycle that continuously repeats or varies slightly and repeats and somehow never seems to get old. Here's a sample of that cycle:  

  1. Blair and I get together and have passionate sex.
  2. The next day, I'm in a great mood.
  3. Blair assumes that I'm in a great mood because I'm fucking someone else.
  4. Blair starts spying on me because she thinks I'm in a great mood because I'm fucking someone else.
  5. Although I am always fucking someone else, the day after I fuck Blair, I have to pretend to appear like I'm not fucking anyone else.
  6. The more I pretend to appear that I'm not fucking anyone else, the more she becomes suspicious that I'm fucking someone else. 
  7. After spying on me for a couple of days and once it becomes clear that I can't possibly be fucking anyone else, Blair is absolutely convinced that I'm fucking someone else. 
  8. Blair gets angry and starts ignoring me completely.
  9. Blair expects me to pay more attention to her because she's ignoring me, but instead I pay less attention to her by ignoring her back.
  10. The more I ignore Blair, the more she pays attention to me. 
  11. The more Blair pays attention to me, the more she wants me.
  12. The more Blair wants me, the more she thinks I must want her too and can't possibly be fucking anyone else because I want her so much.
  13. Once that happens, we're on again.
  14. We fuck and the cycle starts over. 

As I mentioned, there are variations to this cycle. For example, sometimes I don't say things she's thinking I should say at the moment she imagines me saying it. She will work out entire conversations in her head that she somehow expects me to also hear and then repeat with her. When that doesn't happen, she wants to cut my balls off. 

Then we're just angry at each other until we both get more horny than angry and we fuck again.

We're in the "Off" stage of the cycle right now, and although I pretend to appear like I'm not fucking anyone else, that's the time I fuck other women the most. 

I'm thinking of giving Tabbatha the Sexoleptic another chance. But I'm taking her to Starbucks for a quad first. 

Friday
Apr102009

The Return of Blair

I walked into work on Tuesday sane for the first time in a month. HR did not believe my mental stability had improved, but that the poor economy had redefined what sanity really was. HR now has an algorithm they use to determine an employee's mental state:

where p1 = (x1,y1),

    p2 = (x2, y2),

            x and y are both increasing from p1 to p2,

            Sanity = x2 - x1,

            Insanity = y2 - y1 and

            Sanity>= Insanity

Basically, you can't be insane because the poor economy is making everyone insane, so if you are insane, it's a clear indication that you're actually sane.

Blair immediately got back together with me. 

Now that everyone believes I'm sane except Maricruz, Blair is now convinced that Maricruz is insane

And if Maricruz is insane, everything she said about me having an affair with her had to be the false ramblings of a lunatic. 

So Blair is back and our relationship couldn't be stronger. Before noon she had already broken up with me and gotten back together with me twice. Everything was back to normal again.

That night I took her to see Watchmen and a lot of blue dick and balls. She was both repulsed and turned on. So I tried to get her to suck my dick in the theater. But too many people.

Early in our relationship we used to go to see crappy movies at this theater because nobody would be there and we could fuck in the back row. 

I'm afraid we've reached that comfortable, settled phase in our adulterous relationship. 

I did, however, bend her over the trunk of my car and fuck her in the parking lot after the movie. 

Settled or not, it ain't marriage.

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