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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Entries in finance (4)

Tuesday
Jan262010

Jason Y

After being dead for only a week, the Company has already replaced me with another Jason. My death was only a vicious rumor started by my boss, who actually doesn't even exist. So how true could it really be?

But even though Smithee doesn't really exist, he has apparently earned a great deal of credibility within this company. According to subordinates and peers, there is nobody more honest and sincere than the man I made up. 

Only Payroll knew it was a false rumor because I told them so. Finance, on the other hand, considered it fact since they found out through Human Resources, a department which is infallible, much like the Bible. HR has wanted me dead for quite some time now, so when they heard the rumor they immediately substantiated it and asked Finance to free up the headcount. 

Mulhausen immediately replaced me with his nephew, another technology manager named Jason, who he felt could do the job more than adequately. Fernandez had no part in the hire, so he was pissed off because the position has a dual reporting relationship to both Mulhausen and Fernandez through Smithee. 

Although neither Mulhausen nor Fernandez were happy to see me alive, Fernandez was happy that Mulhausen had fucked up.

Besides Payroll, Blair was the only other one who didn't think I was really dead. She thought maybe I had entered the FBI witness protection program because I had been involved in something really shady and had to rat out all my shady business partners--but not death. No, not until she saw my cold dead body would she believe I was actually dead. 

Either way, I thought she'd at least be happy to see me. But she too was disappointed. Apparently she had taken a liking to the new Jason, like everyone else. 

"Did you see the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks?" she asked. "At some point you have to give up hope and move on with your life."

"He was on the island for five years," I said. "I was 'dead' for a week."

"You know I don't have a long attention span," she said. "At least we have our memories."

So Jason X has been replaced by Jason Y across the board. Maybe I should stop playing jokes on people. As fun as they are, I really fuck myself up with them...

Mulhausen and Fernandez called in both Finance and HR to help resolve the double Jason issue.

"Well," Triplet, the VP of HR, began slowly, obviously with no real plan in her head. "You were dead, so we replaced you."

"I was never dead," I said. "So you'll just have to unreplace me."

Mulhausen chimed in: "Jason is very likeable."

"Thank you," I said.

"The other Jason," Mulhausen clarified.

"Well," I said. "I like myself. A lot. That makes me likeable too. You screwed up, so fix it."

Fernandez jumped in: "We'll just get rid of Jason. Fair's fair."

Mulhausen: "Agreed."

Fernandez: "No, the other Jason. Not this Jason."

Muhausen: "Oh, then not agreed."

Fernandez and Mulhausen argued back and forth for a few minutes until Kornfeld, the Director of Finance, interrupted:

"I have a solution," he said. "Keep them both. I'll just mortgage a headcount from next year."

I looked at Kornfeld sideways, as did everyone else.

Kornfeld continued: "I can't increase headcount for this year, so I'll mortgage a head from the increase in headcount we're going to get next year. We don't own it yet; we just borrow it until we do."

"What if they cut headcount next year?" I asked.

"Then we'll move to plan B."

"Which is?"

"TBD." 

Now I share an office with Jason Y. And I'm finding that he is actually very likable, which is another reason I hate him.

I started the new year off with a bang, all right...

Tuesday
Sep222009

Blameless Again

Kornfeld is surprised that he's suddenly getting anonymous death threats for having apparently fucked another man's fiancée.

However, I am not surprised at all. 

Since Kornfeld is Blair's boss, she found out about the anonymous death threats and told me because I had told her that Kelsey was interested in Kornfeld, even though she's engaged. 

Blair thought Kelsey was interested in me until her spies confirmed that Kelsey was telling people that she was interested in Kornfeld. 

Kelsey was interested in Kornfeld because I told her before she was hired that I was the Director of Finance. I told her this because I thought it would get me laid. 

It did get me laid and also got me off the hook for fucking another man's fiancée. 

Unfortunately for Kornfeld, the whole thing has sort of fucked him over. 

Blair is surprised because she never thought Kornfeld would cheat on his wife. She's actually right about that because Kornfeld is a work-a-holic and doesn't have time to fuck around with anyone, including his wife. 

So because of me, Kornfeld, who has done nothing wrong, will have: 

  • Rumors circulating about him cheating on his wife 
  • A jealous mad man tracking him down to murder him

I can't say I feel guilty about this. 

Finance is the arch enemy to I.T. So even though this unfortunate turn of events for Kornfeld was an accident, it's actually something I would have done on purpose under other circumstances. 

What surprises me the most is that Kelsey still believes that I am Kornfeld. 

I told her not to call or email me; only text me messages. And I told her not to come by my office, otherwise people would talk. Unfortunately for Kelsey, people will talk because of Blair. Fortunately for me, they will be talking about Kelsey and Kornfeld, not Kelsey and me. 

I can't say I feel guilty about this.

Kelsey is marrying a mad man by choice and this is a taste of things to come. 

Once again, I really haven't done anything wrong here. At least, that's the appearance. And in fact, I can continue to have sex with Kelsey without fear of being killed or accused of cheating on Blair. Or my wife, for that matter, which of course is secondary. 

I must have done something right in a previous life. 

Friday
Apr172009

Plotkin's Disease

Since Plotkin is no longer in the wheelchair and he can't for the life of him catch a disease, let alone a common cold, he has resorted to extreme measures.

Plotkin is the most healthy person in the company although he pretends to be the unhealthiest. Kornfeld is the most unhealthy person in the company although he pretends to be the healthiest. 

The difference between the two is that Plotkin works in Accounting and Kornfeld works in Finance. 

Accounting:

  • Manages the numbers
  • Reports facts
  • Has no power because facts are facts
  • Realist/practical
  • Company perception: necessary evil
  • Nerdy (aka bean counters)
  • Friendly and accommodating

Finance:

  • Manipulates the numbers
  • Reports fantasies 
  • Has all the power because they make it up as they go
  • Visionary/delusional
  • Company perception: our last hope and savior
  • Up and coming stars (aka Hitler youth)
  • Difficult and general megalomaniacs

Plotkin hates his job and wants to die, which is why he's always trying to catch something so that he can be home or hospitalized. But since he's the most healthy in the company, he can never catch anything and so he must resort to imaginary illness.

Kornfeld loves his job and works until he's ill, but always denies he isn't well so that he can keep working. Since he is the most unhealthy in the company, he always catches everything and so he must resort to imaginary wellness.

Now that Plotkin is out of the wheelchair he has contracted a disease that doctors have never encountered before. Which is why they named it Plotkin's Disease. 

Plotkin's Disease only has one symptom: you are unable to see numbers in any form; you are number blind.

Plotkin can't see numbers on a computer, on a keyboard, on a piece of paper, or on a whiteboard. Letters he can see; numbers do not register. 

The head of Accounting has subconsciously figured out a way to eliminate counting numbers from his job responsibilities. He turned the main part of his job which he hates the most into a disease and then got doctors to name it after him. 

I thought I was good, but this is fucking impressive. Hats off, my friend.

Tuesday
Apr142009

Delusional

Now that Blair is back with me and doesn't hate me anymore, she can no longer pretend to like me.

While she hated me, she had to pretend to like me, otherwise people would think she and I were having an affair. 

She believes that people at work who seem to hate each other, used to be fucking but are now in the middle of a lovers quarrel. So whenever we break up and Blair hates me, she pretends to like me so that nobody will know we were fucking.

On the other hand, when we're together and she does like me, she has to pretend as though she doesn't like me otherwise people will also think we're fucking. So she ignores me completely. 

Blair's boss Kornfeld, the Director of Finance, is always uncomfortable during meetings with Blair and me when she likes me because Blair pretends I'm not in the room. 

As I've mentioned before, even when I ask Blair a finance question, she looks at Kornfeld when she answers. Kornfeld just stares at her not knowing what to say since he didn't ask the question, and in fact, already knows the answer to the question. 

When Blair has a question about one of my technology projects, she looks at Kornfeld again as if he'll provide the answer. This confuses Kornfeld greatly, but before he can say anything, I answer the question. Blair then thanks Kornfeld.

Kornfeld knows, of course, that we're fucking.  

Kornfeld feels much more comfortable in meetings with Blair and me when Blair hates me because that's when Blair pretends to like me. She actually looks at me, smiles at me, and interacts with me. 

In today's meeting, Kornfeld was extremely uncomfortable because things had been going so well for so long with Blair and me, only because things had been going so badly for so long with Blair and me.

Kornfeld finally said: 

"Until you two don't get along again, you can have these meetings without me." 

And then he left the room. 

Blair looked at me and asked: 

"You don't think he knows about us, do you?"

"No," I said. "If he thinks there's anything going on between us, it's only because he's delusional."

"Good," she said, relieved.

Blair left the meeting self-assured our secret was safe.

Yes, Kornfeld is the delusional one. 

..