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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Entries in necrophilia (1)

Thursday
Aug052010

Sexolepsy

It's never a good idea to have sex with someone who works for you. Which is why I never hire hot women. Not that there's an over abundance of hot women in the field of technology, but you do occasionally come across a candidate that doesn't fit the geek profile. At all.

If I hire a hot woman, no matter how professional I keep it, sooner or later I will rationalize that professionalism right into the bedroom. 

Thus, my personal recruitment rule: Do not hire hot women. 

A few weeks ago, I hired two additional staff members. Both women. Both hot.  

I was never good at following rules, even my own. 

But I had reasons for breaking this rule. First, I didn't hire the web designer because she's hot. That would be absurd and shallow. I hired her because her last name is "Knipples." Yes, she's talented, and that was certainly a factor, but hot or not, there was no way I could pass up hiring a woman whose last name is Knipples.  And I guarantee this: I will never call her by her first name.

The second woman I hired is a business analyst. Her name is Tabbatha. She's hot, but not exactly my type. On the other hand, she's exactly the kind of woman who will make both Mulhausen and Fernandez blush and get all giddy around her. She's a slim blond with apple-sized tits, but doesn't really ooze sexuality. Instead, she oozes sweetness. She's not annoyingly sweet, but genuine.  Both my bosses will eat it up. And that will put me in a position to get things done that I might have otherwise struggled to achieve because they both hate me with a passion.

So really, there was nothing to worry about. I hired them for the right reasons.

Although I did have sex with Knipples last night.

Sort of.

She's cute, but skinny, flat-chested with a Peter Pan haircut. So I thought I'd be safe having drinks with her after work. It was her idea. But unlike Tabbatha, Knipples oozes sexuality. Especially when she gets alcohol in her. How was I supposed to know?

It wasn't long before we were back at her place having more to drink. That's the way it goes. Let's save some money and drink at my place. Right. 

Once there, it was only moments before I had her clothes off and we were bouncing on the couch. Well, futon couch.

But there I was thinking everything was going really well and all of a sudden Knipples fell asleep. 

That's right. Right in the middle of what I thought was a stellar performance on my part, she seemed to dose right the fuck off. 

I stopped. Gave her a little nudge. She woke up and looked up at me.

"Am I boring you?" I asked.

"No, not at all," she said. "I forgot to mention. I have Sexolepsy." 

I gave her a Scooby look and a "Ruh?"

"It's not a big deal," she continued. "It's like Narcolepsy, but it only happens during sex. Just keep fucking me. I'll wake up when I orgasm."

Um. Okay.

So I kept going, and once again, she fell asleep. Then I started thinking, this must be what it's like to be a necrophiliac. She's asleep, but she also looks kind of dead. And I can tell you right now, having done it last night, I don't like fucking dead people. 

So I tried to focus on her body, not the fact that her brain was shut off. Then I realized how truly young she looked. Skinny body, no tits, short little haircut. Then I felt like a pedophile. 

That was it. 

I got up, let her sleep, and left. So I don't really think that counts as having "sex" with your employee. In fact, I'm still not sure what it was. So in my mind, I haven't crossed any lines. And today, things shouldn't be awkward at all. 

I've been hiding in my office all day with the door shut. Just in case.