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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Entries in office relationships (3)

Thursday
Sep022010

Dysfunctional Relationship Management

I'm convinced that a good relationship boils down to the number of stories you have to exchange.

Once you run out of stories to tell each other or begin repeating stories, the relationship is over. Then you become that couple sitting at dinner who doesn't speak to each other. We all make fun of that couple until we become that couple. 

The beauty of a dysfunctional relationship is that it can go on for years independent of the stories you have to tell. 

Blair and I have a near perfect dysfunctional relationship

Our relationship is based on a dysfunctional cycle that continuously repeats or varies slightly and repeats and somehow never seems to get old. Here's a sample of that cycle:  

  1. Blair and I get together and have passionate sex.
  2. The next day, I'm in a great mood.
  3. Blair assumes that I'm in a great mood because I'm fucking someone else.
  4. Blair starts spying on me because she thinks I'm in a great mood because I'm fucking someone else.
  5. Although I am always fucking someone else, the day after I fuck Blair, I have to pretend to appear like I'm not fucking anyone else.
  6. The more I pretend to appear that I'm not fucking anyone else, the more she becomes suspicious that I'm fucking someone else. 
  7. After spying on me for a couple of days and once it becomes clear that I can't possibly be fucking anyone else, Blair is absolutely convinced that I'm fucking someone else. 
  8. Blair gets angry and starts ignoring me completely.
  9. Blair expects me to pay more attention to her because she's ignoring me, but instead I pay less attention to her by ignoring her back.
  10. The more I ignore Blair, the more she pays attention to me. 
  11. The more Blair pays attention to me, the more she wants me.
  12. The more Blair wants me, the more she thinks I must want her too and can't possibly be fucking anyone else because I want her so much.
  13. Once that happens, we're on again.
  14. We fuck and the cycle starts over. 

As I mentioned, there are variations to this cycle. For example, sometimes I don't say things she's thinking I should say at the moment she imagines me saying it. She will work out entire conversations in her head that she somehow expects me to also hear and then repeat with her. When that doesn't happen, she wants to cut my balls off. 

Then we're just angry at each other until we both get more horny than angry and we fuck again.

We're in the "Off" stage of the cycle right now, and although I pretend to appear like I'm not fucking anyone else, that's the time I fuck other women the most. 

I'm thinking of giving Tabbatha the Sexoleptic another chance. But I'm taking her to Starbucks for a quad first. 

Tuesday
Mar302010

Aimee the Temp

A new temp with big tits has been working in our department for over a week now and I was not informed.

When shit like this happens, you know there's a real breakdown in office process and communication. Gladstone and McKinney have been buried in Easter preparations as directed by Tefft. She wants to make this year's celebration the biggest and best to date, tying Jesus and his resurrection to the Zombie Apocalypse. This should be interesting.

So I can't really blame either one of them.

Kessler blacked out last week and hasn't been the same since. I'll detail the saga in an upcoming post. He is also excused. 

Yaya has been playing video games in the Test Lab for over a week. And while he should actually be fucking with Gladstone since that's why he was hired, I can't blame him for not talent scouting. Not his job. 

But Conkin and Petrizzo have both been doing something reprehensible and unacceptable: their jobs. If you have to spend more than 20% of your time at the office actually doing work for the company, you've got a serious time management and priority planning issue. 

After I determined how such a travesty could've happened and put both Conklin and Petrizzo on probation, I wandered over to Network Services where this new temp has been hired.

Her name is Aimee. Very young, brown hair, big tits and an annoying personality. Did I mention, big tits? 

It's very easy for me to strike up a conversation with a new temp. Where's Gladstone? Where's McKinney? You're new here, aren't you? Blah blah blah. You look important so she'll talk to you, and smile, and laugh as long as you're willing to stand there. 

She's sarcastic in a really young way. Which means the sarcasm isn't funny; it just lies there while you look at it, neither offended nor humored by it. 

Did I mention she has really big tits? From the look of them, natural too. 

So against my better judgment, I had every intention of getting smacked around by those two big bad-ass cans of hers--whether she knew it yet or not. But then she said:

Do you work for Jason Y?

Work for? Talk about a mood killer. The evil Jason had already gotten to her. Evil, in the sense that he's good, which makes him evil to someone as evil as me. Because I view myself as good regardless of the mainstream definition of good. But I digress...

No, I don't work for Jason Y. We're peers. I'm the good Jason. He's the evil Jason. Remember that.

It's bad enough that he's hitting on my existing Users, but to beat me to the punch with new talent... That's just unacceptable. 

I keep saying this, but Jason Y has got to go. I need to stop being lazy about this. 

Did I mention she has really big tits?

Wednesday
Sep102008

Sympathy Sex

I've found that having my arm in a sling gets me a lot of sympathy sex. 

Even women I haven't hooked up with in a while are stopping by just to give me that sympathetic look and rub my thigh a little. Next think I know, we're playing ring toss in the parking garage. It's not easy to maneuver with one arm, but it's definitely doable.

Brandi stopped by on Monday. Melanie on Tuesday. These are the two women who have maintained a healthy distance for months because they thought I had become suicidal. And since they believed I was suicidal, they somehow believed I would find a way to commit suicide while having sex with them. Apparently they have no interest in fucking a dead man.

Zenda the Persian also stopped by today. We started having an affair because I thought she would not have an affair with me because I believed she was having an affair with her boss Rusbridge. I made a bet with Gladstone that I would not be able to sleep with her because she would not double fuck at work otherwise she would be considered the office slut. I lost that bet when she fucked me senseless. Turns out she was not having an affair with Rusbridge, so she was free to fuck me without fear of being dubbed the office slut.

Oddly enough, she quickly stopped having sex with me so that she could have sex with her boss Rusbridge who found out there was a rumor that he was having sex with his employee. He pulled her into his office to assure her that he did not start that rumor and that the idea was completely ridiculous anyway. She was offended that he thought the idea was ridiculous, so he made it up to her by fucking her.

She then told me that she could no longer have sex with me because she was now having sex with her boss and could not double fuck at work. I told her I understood and then I tried to get my money back from Gladstone. He said that Zenda the Persian's affair with her boss was ex post facto and therefore the loss was nonrefundable.

Zenda the Persian had sympathy sex with me in my office today. So she's now doublefucking at work which makes her the office slut.

I also saw Blair today in the hallway. She gave me neither the fuck me look nor the fuck you look. It was a look I'd never seen before. It was just sort of a blank stare. But she was mainly looking at my arm in a sling. We didn't speak at all. She just looked at me and my sling in that weird way.

Not to worry. I heard she's hooking up with Szymanski on Friday for drinks. Perfect. That ends it for good. I'm hooking up with Athena the Lesbian on Friday too. If all goes well, we'll run into each other and that will seal the deal forever.