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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Entries in SOX (1)

Monday
Jun212010

E&Y Has T&A

Ernst & Young auditors have learned that the more tits and ass they bring to a meeting with me, the less difficult I'll be. The less tits and ass they bring, the more difficult I'll be. And with no tits and ass, it will be absolutely impossible to deal with me. 

I've been meeting with E&Y auditors to discuss SOX compliance as it relates to our software deployment process. These are the same compliance requirements that were in place when the mortgage industry collapsed. So not only is it boring, it's also completely useless. 

And we've already done this once with the internal SOX Auditors

That's why this sort of meeting really irritates me. And the only way I can entertain myself is to torment these consultants by being difficult. Unless tits and ass are present. 

Most female E&Y auditors are Asian. So I haven't been getting a lot in the tit department. And the ass, well, they're sitting on their asses in the meeting, so I'm not getting much of that either.

I've been behaving like Lindsay Lohan in a bar that won't serve her anymore alcohol. 

So they finally found an Asian with tits and brought her to our meeting today. She's Korean. And her name is Kum Soon. 

When she introduced herself, I held my tongue. But it was hard. I quickly glanced around the room to see if anyone else was going to snicker, but everyone was completely stoic. Are you fucking kidding me?

So I wiped any semblance of a grin off my face, shook her hand, and introduced myself. 

Today, I was the least difficult I had ever been with E&Y. 

Not only did her tits keep me occupied, but I also entertained myself with her name the rest of the meeting:

Kum Soon: "I'll try to get the first part of the evaluation finished by tomorrow."

Me: "I can only hope you do, Kum Soon."


Kum Soon: "Do you think you'll be able to send me those files today?"

Me: "I will Kum soon, if all goes well."

 

Me: "I'd like to see you Kum Soon in my office after the meeting."

 

Me: "It was a pleasure having you Kum Soon here today." 

I'm not sure if she understood what I was doing, but I did get some nice little smiles from her. It wasn't exactly a Fuck me smile; it was more of a Fuck me maybe smile. But consultants are like strippers. When they look like this one, it's her job to make the client think she wants to fuck him. And if she's really good at her job, she makes the client forget about all the money he's throwing away on their worthless audit. 

So she did actually stop by my office after the meeting. I, of course, refused to talk about the audit. Instead, I asked her what kind of alcohol she liked to drink the most. She's a vodka woman.

We'll be having drinks together after work soon. And hopefully, I'll get to see if she lives up to her name.