Latest Posts
Latest Comments

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Blog Roll

us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

 Subscribe in a reader


Free Adult Dating

Entries in SOX audit (3)


E&Y Has T&A

Ernst & Young auditors have learned that the more tits and ass they bring to a meeting with me, the less difficult I'll be. The less tits and ass they bring, the more difficult I'll be. And with no tits and ass, it will be absolutely impossible to deal with me. 

I've been meeting with E&Y auditors to discuss SOX compliance as it relates to our software deployment process. These are the same compliance requirements that were in place when the mortgage industry collapsed. So not only is it boring, it's also completely useless. 

And we've already done this once with the internal SOX Auditors

That's why this sort of meeting really irritates me. And the only way I can entertain myself is to torment these consultants by being difficult. Unless tits and ass are present. 

Most female E&Y auditors are Asian. So I haven't been getting a lot in the tit department. And the ass, well, they're sitting on their asses in the meeting, so I'm not getting much of that either.

I've been behaving like Lindsay Lohan in a bar that won't serve her anymore alcohol. 

So they finally found an Asian with tits and brought her to our meeting today. She's Korean. And her name is Kum Soon. 

When she introduced herself, I held my tongue. But it was hard. I quickly glanced around the room to see if anyone else was going to snicker, but everyone was completely stoic. Are you fucking kidding me?

So I wiped any semblance of a grin off my face, shook her hand, and introduced myself. 

Today, I was the least difficult I had ever been with E&Y. 

Not only did her tits keep me occupied, but I also entertained myself with her name the rest of the meeting:

Kum Soon: "I'll try to get the first part of the evaluation finished by tomorrow."

Me: "I can only hope you do, Kum Soon."

Kum Soon: "Do you think you'll be able to send me those files today?"

Me: "I will Kum soon, if all goes well."


Me: "I'd like to see you Kum Soon in my office after the meeting."


Me: "It was a pleasure having you Kum Soon here today." 

I'm not sure if she understood what I was doing, but I did get some nice little smiles from her. It wasn't exactly a Fuck me smile; it was more of a Fuck me maybe smile. But consultants are like strippers. When they look like this one, it's her job to make the client think she wants to fuck him. And if she's really good at her job, she makes the client forget about all the money he's throwing away on their worthless audit. 

So she did actually stop by my office after the meeting. I, of course, refused to talk about the audit. Instead, I asked her what kind of alcohol she liked to drink the most. She's a vodka woman.

We'll be having drinks together after work soon. And hopefully, I'll get to see if she lives up to her name.


Lunch with Lissa and Her Tits

I had lunch today with Lissa the SOX auditor. I noticed her double Ds speak very loudly, even in public. 

Some tits talk softly. Some tits don't talk at all (but that's rare). Some tits talk dirty (like Giselle's perky tits from the vendor lunch). But Lissa's tits are big and loud.

I couldn't hear Lissa speak because her double Ds were so in-my-face blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to smack them. And I'm pretty sure they said they wanted to smack me.

At one point Lissa's double Ds became offended because I wouldn't look at them while I was speaking to them. This sort of thing always puts me in somewhat of a predicament with women. This is because women do not like it when you speak to their breasts. They find it rude. On the other hand, breasts also find it rude when you won't look at them even though you are speaking directly to them.  

And when tits are this loud, it's difficult to ignore them. 

I decided to speak to both Lissa and her double Ds at the same time so as not to create confusion, jealousy or ill-will. So instead of just staring at one or the other, I let my eyes "work the room" so to speak.

Surprisingly, they all seemed to enjoy that. No one was offended and everyone felt special. Like I was interested in all of them, not just the tits and not just Lissa. 

By the end of the lunch, there was no more talk of SOX but a clear committment to have a drink after work sometime. All three of us.

Sometime very soon. 

I like this new strategy they have with the SOX auditors. They definitely have my attention.



SOX Lite

I would hate the SOX auditors if only Compliance would stop sending cute ones. Over the last year they've been replacing the older SOX hags with much younger, cuter, and more pleasant women. This, I believe, was done to create the illusion that SOX is somehow a desirable business activity.

I had a meeting with the SOX (Sarbanes-Oxley) Sr. Auditor from Compliance today regarding the process of approving time charged to projects by my staff.

Her name is Lissa. That's right. Double "S". I told her that her name was misspelled. She said, No, that's the way it's spelled. I said, No, there's only one "S" in "Lisa". She said, No, my parents named me "Lissa" with a double "S". I said, Then someone should tell your parents they misspelled it. Are they from the South?

Needless to say, we did not get off on the right foot.

This is my dilemma. She's cute, yet I'd rather antagonize her than flirt with her. I mean, I still want to meet with her because she's cute, but all I do is offend her.

SOX auditors are a pain in my ass. Therefore, I feel the need to make them suffer just as much as they make me suffer. That way, they spend as little time as possible with me. Everybody wins.

We met in my office. She asked me about the approval process... Now, the problem with the current approval process is that I have Teri, my assistant, approve everyone's time so that I don't have to. I'm absolutely sure this will not comply with SOX.

However, Teri is more qualified to approve the time than I am because she is more aware of how my staff and contractors spend their time than I am. I have asked her to keep tabs on everyone.

The good news is that she logs into the approval system with my ID and password so it looks like I am doing the approvals. SOX just needs an audit trail back to me, so technically I'm in compliance since my name is stamped on every approval. I.T. Security, on the other hand, may have an issue with Teri using my ID and password to log into the system. But that's a non-SOX topic...

"What do you look for when you approve time?" she asked.

"SOX should be concerned with controls that can clearly be identified with a paper trail," I said. "What goes on in my head is my business."

"I'd like to understand your thought process though. In case we need more controls," she said. "So in this case, what goes on in your head is my business too."

I gave her a look. "Are you positive you want to know what's going on in my head?"

Now the look I was giving her was a look that didn't require any explanation about the thoughts behind it. She knew exactly what I was thinking.

And she smiled.

Suddenly, I didn't want to antagonize her anymore. And suddenly, I don't think she wanted to make me suffer anymore. I may have actually made a connection with a SOX auditor. I mean, with all the shit I had been giving her, she should hate me. If she doesn't, and is actually attracted to me, that can only mean one thing...

This Sr. SOX Auditor is fucked up in the head and might make a great addition to my User Pool...