Similar to Rule 5, don't say what you think or everyone will hate you and you'll find yourself assigned to work on "Special Projects" which are designed to keep undesirables away from the general office populous.

Instead, translate your rude thoughts into something that conveys the same message in a more acceptable format. Here are some examples:

Say: You have some interesting ideas. 

Translation: You're a fucking idiot.

Say: If you ever need any help, just let me know.

Translation: I'm better than you.

Say: Let's try to think outside the box.

Translation: Your ideas are stupid.

Say: Can we wrap this up? I need to run to another meeting.

Translation: This meeting is boring the shit out of me.

Say: Chew on it for a while and let me know what you think.

Translation: Suck my dick.

Say: Why can't you be a little more flexible on this?

Translation: Why are you being such an asshole about this? 

Say: I'll see what I can do.

Translation: Go fuck your mother.  

Say: You have a unique style.

Translation: Who dresses you in the morning? A monkey? 

 Say: Nice charts.

Translation: Nice tits.

Say: I'd like to provide some solid input and get your honest feedback.

Translation: I'd like to fuck your brains out and make you scream like a Banshee.

Don't say what you think; think what you say and keep your career moving forward and upward.

Some old book somewhere said, "... You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." In office politics, the truth shall get you fired.

I'm not telling you to lie; just don't tell the truth. Here's the difference:

George Washington admitted he cut down the cherry tree when he was cornered by his father. He said:

"I cannot tell a lie, father, you know I cannot tell a lie! I did cut it with my little hatchet."

Did he tell the truth? Not exactly. But did he lie? No. The fact of the matter was that he cut down a lot of shit with his shiny new hatchet that day. Did he volunteer that information? No chance. Caught with one mistake, he could have panicked and lied by saying:

"I cut down the cherry tree, but I didn't cut anything else down with my new hatchet."

But he didn't say that. He very cleverly declared that he couldn't tell a lie and admitted to one irrefutable truth. If he had volunteered the whole truth, let me tell you, his ass would have been grass. 

A lie condemns you; not telling the truth protects you.

Semantics is a beautiful thing and also allows you to avoid telling the truth. Take Clinton for example. In his deposition he was asked if he had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. He very clearly said:

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

When it was later proven by the famous blue dress that Clinton did hook up with Monica, he stated that he believed the definition of sexual relations excluded oral sex. Good one, Bill. He was acquitted of perjury charge.

Nixon was nearly impeached, resigned in disgrace and never recovered from the mistake he made. Clinton was actually impeached, still didn't resign, and remains beloved by many to this day. He knew how to work it.  

In business, there are people who fuck up constantly, and yet, they're still around thriving and getting promoted. That's because they know how to work the political system too. 

Here are some lies revised to be true but not the whole truth:

• We hit all our target dates in the project plan revised to We achieved all major milestones in the project plan (although it implies we hit our dates, we only delivered; we did not hit our dates).
  
• The system was delivered on budget revised to The system was delivered on the approved budget ("approved" in this case means "revised" not "original")
• The system is bug free revised to There are no remaining critical system issues (although there are a ton of bugs).
  
• I am not fucking around with my assistant revised to I did not have sexual relations with my assistant (even though she blew me behind closed doors on a conference call with Ernst & Young; it worked for Clinton, right?).
• I did not expense a visit to a strip club revised to I did nothing inappropriate (if all else fails, this is a catch all).

Those are just a few ideas, but you get the point. There is no reason to tell the truth. But there is a reason to not tell the truth. If you want to get ahead in business, keep the truth between you and God.

Some people are of the opinion that sex with co-workers is a bad thing. They may be absolutely correct, but it's still going to happen. So you should at least understand the ramifications of lascivious behavior with co-workers and how to minimize the risk.

Here's a list of things you should never do:

1. Never have sex with someone who works for you. The potential for a sexual harassment suit against you and your company is very high. So don't even think about this one. If you're considering hiring someone who you think you might have difficulty with down the road, DO NOT hire that person. Hire the homely or dorky person. Not to generalize, but they'll probably get the job done better anyway.
2. Never fuck around with someone who doesn't have just as much to lose as you do. If you're married, you'd better only fuck around with someone who's also married or you might lose both your job and your marriage. Same goes for job title. If you're a vice president, make sure the person you're bumping uglies with has a career they value too. If you mess around with a single 21-year-old woman in an entry-level position who gets pissed off at you one day, what does she have to lose by calling both your boss and your wife?
   
3. Never fuck the boss' wife or daughter. Do I have to explain this one? I didn't think so.
4. Never let your personal life interfere with business. If you two love birds are having a quarrel, don't bring it into the office. If you let your personal feelings drive your business decisions, you are a failure in the business world. You suddenly hate each other, but you still have to work together. If she has a good idea, it's a good idea. If you shoot it down because you're pissed off at her, others will see right through you and you will lose all credibility. Don't be an ass.

Now, here are the things you should avoid. You probably won't lose your job over these, but they tend to make life at the office painful:

1. Avoid people in your same department. You end up competing for the same positions, raises, merit increases. It makes things very tense around the office and then later in bed. You see them too much as it is, think about after the break-up. Every single day will be a drag.
2. Avoid seeing two people who are in the same department. If you're going to mess around with multiple people at work, keep them as separated as possible. Otherwise you get into the love triangle crap that you see in soap operas.
   
3. Avoid the company slut. People will make fun of you and nobody else will want to touch your dirty dick. Likewise for women, avoid the company man-whore, otherwise nobody will want to touch your dirty cooch.
   
4. Avoid using email to flirt or talk dirty to your new company fuck buddy. Email is not private. Anything you send or receive can be read by others. Granted, nobody is watching and reading every email that goes through the pipe, but some systems flag emails with certain words and phrases, like "fuck", "suck", and "meet me in the conference room in five so you can tickle my pickle".
   
5. Speaking of which, you should avoid having sex in conference rooms during the work day. This should probably be listed under "never", but it's so damn exhilarating... Anyway, try to do this after hours if you just have to nail someone on a conference room table. And you know the phrase, "Get a room"? Well, get a room that locks from the inside. And watch out for the cleaning crew. They unlock those doors lightening fast.
   

As far as I'm concerned, everything else is fair game. Some people feel very strongly one way or the other. I'm curious to know, so if you haven't already taken the poll, please do. And leave a comment if you'd like to elaborate on your opinion. And as always, feel free to add to my lists if you think I forgot something important...

Always have a long term strategy that you can discuss with superiors and other managers. Put it in a nice PowerPoint slide presentation and make it impressive. Not the actual strategy, but the presentation. You know, with block arrows, clip art, maybe even a photo of you. The strategy itself can be basic. Like, In three years we'll be 100% (choose one):

1. Digital or Paperless (depending if it's a Technology or Business strategy)
   
2. Automated
3. Consolidated onto a single massive global system that will ultimately take over the world and enslave the entire human race

Regardless, you'll never have to implement it. Why? Everything changes long before anyone can even consider implementation. A good long term strategy yesterday makes absolutely no sense today. All you have to do is talk strategy, not implement strategy.

If you don't talk strategy, it means you have no vision. If you have no vision, you're not thinking about the future of the company. And if that's the case, why should anyone think about your future with the company? A long term strategy means you have a vested interest in the company's future and the company should therefore have a vested interest in your future. 

Having a vision is like having a sexual fantasy. You have all kinds of crazy shit in your head that you want to do, like having a threesome with your wife and her sister. Is it going to happen? Not in this lifetime buddy. But it's the thought that counts.  

The company values strategic thinkers more than it values tactical implementers. In management, you pay people to do the work for you. Your job is to think of things for them to do. These are the peons; the simple worker bees. You are the benevolent dictator. Never be mistaken for one of them by being caught doing something. You should not do anything except think of things for other people to do. And when you have a vision, that means you've already thought of things for people to do after they've done whatever you asked them to do today. You've got their day planned out for them for the next three years. Now that's impressive.  

Having a long term strategy also protects you from doing things you don't want to do. For example, it's not acceptable to refuse work because you don't want to do it. It is, however, acceptable to refuse work because it doesn't align with your long term strategy. People respect long term strategies even though they're meaningless. Mainly because they have their own long term meaningless strategy and they want the same respect. But also because it classifies you as a player. Even if you're on opposite teams, you're playing the same game. And people will respect you for it.    

Attire is critical in the workplace because this is one of the easiest ways to mislead everyone regarding your level and power within the company.  

I will address this issue from the male perspective. 

There is a tendency, especially in Technology, to dress down. The dress code for many companies today is business casual. It used to be simple when a suit and tie were required because the only way you could go wrong was with a cheap suit and tie. Unfortunately, business casual can be interpreted many different ways, allowing for big mistakes in the selection of business attire.

Wearing a polo shirt and Dockers is one of the most common mistakes. While this certainly qualifies as "business casual", it does not convey business clout. This is one step away from jeans and a t-shirt and tells everyone you have no ambition. This is how mothers dress their kids to go to school; how wives dress their husbands to go to work so that women won't be attracted to them; how teenagers dress when they go to a nice dinner with the grand parents. This is not how you should dress at work.

Here's what you want to achieve: if you're an analyst, you want people to look at you and think you're a manager. If you're a manager, you want people to think you're a director. If you're a director, you want people to think you're a VP. People need to believe you're already in the role you're trying to get promoted into.  

Here's how you need to dress for business casual:

• Button-down shirt, always pressed (no wrinkle-free, dryer fluffed), single color, no pattern, fitted with sleeves buttoned.
• Crew neck, white t-shirt underneath (never wear a button-down shirt without a crew neck white t-shirt underneath, especially if you can see through the shirt).
  
• Dark slacks, no pleats, no patterns unless it's a very light pinstripe.
  
• Long dark socks that will never bunch up down around your ankles and expose your white, hairy legs.
• Polished leather shoes, never scuffed. No penny loafers or loafers with tassels. Let's just say, no loafers. No square toes either. Keep it simple, but still stylish. No Payless shoes. They squeak. Spend the money. Trust me, people look at your feet and judge you.
  
• A simple belt, small buckle. Never wear suspenders, unless you're a stand-up comedian. Even then, I wouldn't recommend it.
• And get yourself a watch. Nothing digital. Nothing a skateboarder would wear.
  

Look at the executives in your company. Look how they dress. The best put together people are always at the top. You need to look like that's where you belong. Because then people start believing the rest of your bullshit, and pretty soon you get promoted to the position you're pretending to already have.

As mentioned, this is from the male perspective. I'll defer to Tech-Babe for the female perspective... She'll address (a-dress) this shortly (Yuk yuk)...