Smoke Test
Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 01:26PM
Smoke testing...just another joy in the world of IT.
After every major systems release, I'm the lucky bitch that coordinates smoke testing activities. This requires a keg of caffeine and a headset surgically planted in your ear. Smoke tests occur right after code has been dropped into production and right before all the fucktarded users come into the office to actually use that code.
This last systems release required smoke testing to begin at four o'clock in the morning. We had exactly sixty minutes to make sure everything went seamless; just enough time before the right-coasters came into the office to try out the new system and ask stupid ass questions."Why is there a button here?" "Why is the text color now blue?" "Can I have the old system back?" To which my responses are, respectively, "because it's not there, because I like purple, and sure you can have the old system back if you pay me the $3.2M it took to rebuild the system." (Dumbasses.)
I am completely disfunctional prior to 9am, especially considering my first piss of the day doesn't happen til about seven. I'm usually able to conduct these smoke tests remotely but this time, I was required to be in the office. I told my boss the only way that was going to happen was to allow me to come into work in jammies and have coffee delivered to me every hour. He obliged.
I came into the office the next morning with my skulls and crossbone flannel jammies on and fuzzy boots. The floor was dark with the exception of my office. I noticed my door was unlocked and the first thought that came to mind was the cleaning people better not have been having sex in my office! (It's happened in someone else's office.) I was relieved to find a fresh cup of coffee sitting on my desk but no one else was in the office except me. The testers are in Mexico and the Philippines, so that was far from being a possibility. It freaked me out, nonetheless. To ease my fear, I flipped on MTV and turned the volume up and smoke testing commenced.
An hour went by and I just ended the final test call with my QA guys and went to the bathroom. I returned to my office, and my coffee cup was refilled. "What the fuck?" Still no one was in the office. I then received an IM half an hour later from Rico, another IT Manager, that said, "are you enjoying your coffee?" I was relieved but still a bit freaked out because there was no one in the office. I responded,
"Where the fuck are you?"
"In the conference room on the 6th floor. I had to come in too and your boss asked me to make sure you had your coffee."
"Thanks, but why the fuck did you agree to that?"
"You know that rumor that's been going around about the cleaning people?"
"Yes."
"Well, it wasn't the cleaning people. Your boss caught me on my knees."
And here I used to feel bad for the guy because he was always the unlucky bastard that had to conduct smoke tests in the wee hours of the morning. Turns out, he was more than just smoke testing. He's been taste testing too! The IM thread continued...
"HOLY SHIT. What did you do? Or who did you do?!"
"You know that new asian consultant chick in Solutions Delivery?"
"Yeah..."
"Well. She delivers alright! I've got a thing for asian chicks right now."
"Rock on. And good thing I'm not asian."
"Yes, you are. But you don't have to worry about me. You scare me. I've seen the balls on your desk."
I also have an inflatable donkey in my office. I wonder what he thinks about that?












