Cunnilingkiss

Ladies: You're at the bar, you meet a guy, you're hitting it off, drinking, thigh-touching and eventually, making out. What does this mean? Nobody really knows. Especially the guy. Is he getting your number? Getting a blowjob? Getting blown off? Or taking you home? That's the big question. I mean, this shit could go on for hours, in the bar, outside the bar, in the parking lot...

And there's the thing: Maybe all you want to do is have him take you home, but you don't want to be the one to suggest it. So if that's what you want, nip it in the bud and help us all out. Once you've made the decision that he's "In," give him a "Cunnilingkiss" by kissing him while putting two fingers up to your mouth (as depicted in the photo to the right). Make sure to give him plenty of tongue. This gives him the green light and neither of you have waste any more time. 

As always, just trying to be helpful. 

Like tits, Donations are up

Donations to the Cleavage Jar have continued to rise since Tuesday. Cleavage in the workplace has also risen at an equitable rate since Tuesday.  

None of the women know why they're contributing to the Cleavage Jar since Mulhausen refuses to tell them.  The Cleavage Jar hasn't discouraged anyone from showing more cleavage in the workplace. 

So I decided to tell Blair and Aimee the Temp what the Jar was actually for, assuming they would spread the word and stop competing with their tits to get Jason Y's attention. 

However, now that word is out about the Cleavage Jar, both women are competing to contribute the most money to the jar, because whoever contributes the most money, must also be showing the most cleavage. And whoever is showing the most cleavage should also get the most attention from Jason Y. 

I guess all I can do now is sit back and enjoy all the cleavage like everyone else. Well, except for Jason Y, who still isn't looking at either Blair's tits or Aimee the Temp's tits.

When the Dog is Away

Jason Y asked for my advice again. He said that he went out with Aimee the Temp again over the weekend while I was in Vegas. He said the date went well and at the end of it she kissed him, which is a very good sign. So I told him that it was a very bad sign.

I told him that in light of the new bases, kissing is the new Friend Zone and that he should not let her kiss him again or he'll be stuck there forever. 

I told him that the next time she tries to kiss him that he should immediately try to go down on her and take 1st base. 

They're going out again this Friday, which means I need to have monkey sex with her in a tree before the date. 

Blair's Perky Tits

Blair has been wearing a push-up bra ever since she lost respect for Jason Y for dating a girl with big tits. Somehow, Blair's tits have grown a cup size since then. 

Blair is annoyed because everyone has been staring at her perky tits except Jason Y. If she doesn't respect him for dating a girl with big tits, the least he could do is not respect her back by staring at her perky tits. 

But if he's going to be a nice guy about this, she will not want anything to do with him again. 

Meanwhile, everyone else is enjoying Blair's perky tits, including me. And although she wants Jason Y to stare at her perky tits, she does not want me to even glance at them. Because in her twisted mind, if I like her bigger tits, that somehow means I want to fuck Aimee the Temp.

Is it lunchtime yet? 

Rounding 1st

Jason Y has finally made it to 1st base with Aimee the Temp. And not according to his definition of the bases; according to mine. 

Last night, Aimee the Temp gave oral pleasure to Jason Y's right index finger. You should have seen how ecstatic he was this morning. 

I'll be stealing home tonight with Aimee the Temp. 

But kudos Jason Y. Kudos man. 

Hello Kitty Meets Hello Cock

Hello Kitty has a new playmate. His name is Hello Cock. Here they are meeting for the first time:

 

Black Friday

It's interesting when you die because the company actually openly acknowledges your contributions. When you're alive, the company can only acknowledge your contributions behind closed doors. And each contribution needs to be balanced with some sort of "needs improvement" otherwise it positions the employee for a promotion or at least a pay increase. Management 101: always temper praise with criticism, otherwise your employee will develop a very annoying sense of entitlement. Squash that attitude before it even develops. 

I personally don't care about being praised for the work I do because I don't really do any work. Instead, I delegate. And although I don't seek praise, I get praise for the things other people do because it appears that I have done those things myself. 

And now that I'm dead, I'm doing even less than I did before but getting more praise than ever before.

The only people that know I'm alive are the people in Payroll. I assured them that my death was only a false rumor. Nobody talks to the people in Payroll, so my secret should be safe. 

Death is good.

Keep Out

Santa: you're not welcome here.

A Jason X Charlie Brown Christmas Tree Tradition

I have an Xmas tradition of finding the smallest, most pathetic Charlie Brown Christmas tree on the lot and trying to negotiate a price lower than whatever they have it priced at based on how pitiful it looks. They never come down on the price and I always buy it anyway.

This year, I went to two lots and neither place had a tree pathetic enough to satisfy my holiday tradition. So rather than chance another lot, I found a random branch on the ground that I thought would make the most wretched and worthless Charlie Brown Christmas "tree" ever. I asked, "How much for this branch?" The guy said, "Nothing." 

It was a Christmas miracle...

(The tag is from last year. And notice the hand made paper angel at the top; that's been around for years, if you couldn't tell...)

Pussy Whipped

Now that's the way to hold your girlfriend's purse. Over the shoulder. It should feel comfortable, like it's yours. This is how you tell the world you've given up on being a man.